SWiVELtime

Networking with a Money Back Guarantee

"And if for any reason you don't like it.........." This ubiquitous phase and thought is tattooed in our brain. It is part and parcel of our disposable and short attention span consumer society. Almost any choice we make comes with an "out clause". Like so many contracts, we discuss and agree to a"pre-nuptial" and a "divorce" in the same document. As an aside, unless you are a billionaire, a pre-nup discussion before your wedding vows makes no sense. Before you say "to death do us part" you sign a document that describes the consequences of your divorce. Pre-nups have not only been embedded in our consumer lives but into our lives. We sow the seeds of failure or dissatisfaction before the actual experience is harvested. "Your complete satisfaction" is guaranteed. Even though we know we are rarely if ever "completely satisfied", because we have trained ourselves not to be. This marketing gimmick would not work if everyone who was not "completely satisfied" asked for their money back and returned the "unused portion" and kept the bonus "as our gift". But our gullibility and our impulse buying gene are only out performed by our laziness. So this idea of a satisfaction guarantee is an effective business model.

I see this mindset in the people that seek my advice week in and week out. They reveal great truths about their lives. Their interests, curiosities, experiences, and once in awhile their passions. They see options and opportunities now or ahead. They want to know how to choose, how to have more certainty. They are conducting a due diligence process to evaluate these choices. 

Can I/should I leave my job?

Can I switch sectors, industries, or careers?

How can I keep what I have and make this change?

What is my downside risk if it doesn't work out?

Will I damage my future career options by making this switch?

These are reasonable and important questions. They focus almost entirely on the object--the choice, the job or the career. Again, like a consumer who is trying on a business suit or new cocktail dress, we are making an important but ephemeral decision. We are trying on a career costume and want to know what the return policy is.

A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use. Carlos Casteneda

If we are dating, then we are seeking a life partner at some point. When you meet someone special you know because you have emotional and physical reactions that are impossible to quantify. Your heart tells you so much more than your brain. And in the end you listen to your heart, if love is your goal. Otherwise it is just another M and A deal. You merge your assets and acquire a partner. Regrettably this occurs a lot. 

Your search for greater meaning and fulfillment can not be quantified--unless you believe money will buy you happiness. :) Your quest for a new career can not be solely guided by a shopping list of questions that compare and contrast the attributes of the existing marketplace options. They have to be driven by what you want? The source of the answers to your questions lies within you. Sir Ken Robinson calls it the element. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls it the flow. Daniel Pink calls it your purpose.

Some of you are saying, "That's great John. I need a job and you want me to do soul searching. Thanks  a million." As I say on these pages all the time, if you are in crises, your process is different. Get out of your crises and then think. Yes, this process is better suited for those who can plan. It is also a crises prevention plan. But most people are dominated by their consumer mindset that has removed their heart from the decision making process.

The study where a group of 1500 people were given the option of joining two groups. Group A was a group of people who were going to pick a career they believed was going to be a practical way to make a lot of money and then they were going to follow their passions after they made enough money. 1255 people joined Group A. Group B was a group of people who were going to pick a career that they were interested in and passionate about and just trust that the money would come. Only 245 people joined Group B.

20 years later there were 101 millionaires out of the 1500 people who signed up for the study. 100 of the millionaires came from group B, the group of people who followed their passions and just trusted that the money would come. Only 1 out of the 1255 people who picked a career because they believed it was a practical way to make a living actually became a millionaire.

My unscientific study of thousands of other people, including myself, have proven to me these findings are true. .

I met a woman last week who asked me, "How did you retain your financial goals and still work in non-profits?" I caught myself laughing and saw she was not amused. It is a good, practical, "want to keep all my marbles" and do something "good" question. I told her I discovered that compensation comes in many forms including happiness. Yes, I had to save for my kids' college tuition, but our family has worked around careers of happiness and personal satisfaction. We have decided that more is not better, that better is better. My family and I have endured three substantial pay cuts and took a second mortgage on our house in making these choices. Not just cuts in pay but in upside equity and bonuses. I described to her how our family discussed these decisions (when the kids got older we voted on my career choices) knowing that my pay and our lifestyle would be cut back. Let me be clear, I made these choices out of pure selfishness. This has little to do with my virtues as a person. Once I learned that my passion bucket had to be full--that my heart had to be satisfied--that my non-financial pay was more important than my salary and my 401k--I sought that work and those careers. I also learned how much less we needed as a family, how I felt better as a husband and parent when my career was in sync with my heart. When I am professionally fulfilled, my heart grows and my ability to give more of myself to my family and others expands.

Lead with your heart. Listen to your heart. Help your heart grow. Be prepared to take the chance, the risk of falling in love. Of making a real committment to yourself and reap the rewards for the people around you.

The door of opportunity opens from within your heart. 

Picking paths with a heart render money back guarantees irrelevant. 

Thanks for reading. John

 

Who You Are then What You Do

There is such an over-emphasis on defining success by what you do. Many people see their job title as the single most important defining quality of their lives. Any job, even important ones, will never fully define a person. Titles, positions, roles, employers, industries are just labels on the human beings. You define those labels. You are so much bigger than your day job. Who you are. What you stand for. Becoming the best you can be. Being good. Helping others. Your values. Your passions. Your ability to love. These things define you.

Big difference between a good career and a good life.

I meet so many people who tell me:

I am a totally different person at work than I am at home.

In my next chapter, I want to do something that is meaningful to me.

We all play roles in our lives and they are different. I get it. But you compromise yourself when you can't bring your whole self to work. Again, I am not talking about your job but to your work! If you are not getting meaning from your life, then it is by definition a meaningless life. 

Settling for a life that is disconnected from the soul is a tragedy.

David Brooks recently wrote about the warped way people think about their careers and lives:

 In whatever field you go into, you will face greed, frustration and failure. You may find your life challenged by depression, alcoholism, infidelity, your own stupidity and self-indulgence. So how should you structure your soul to prepare for this? Simply working at Amnesty International instead of McKinsey is not necessarily going to help you with these primal character tests.

Working on who you are should define what you do--you are defined by your soul. Who are you and who are you becoming? 

Rene Descartes in trying to prove we exist said, "I think therefore I am." 

What are YOU thinking? You are what you are thinking. 

I do therefore I am--makes no sense.

Becoming the accumulation of what you do is a resume not a life. It is certainly not your soul. Nurturing and aligning your soul around your beliefs and your life portfolio is our challenge and should be our joy.

People are so overbearingly concerned about what others, including their kids, should be. 

Kevin McCarthy says, "Stop shoulding on yourself and on others."

Let's take the time to find out who we are---not just what we do or should do. 

We will define ourselves by whether we pursued what we believed, thought, and desired. In the end, many will define themselves not by what they did, but rather by what they did not do and wanted to---their regrets.

When people are connected to their heart and their soul, their eyes light up, they are filled with life! We need those connections. We need the amazing greatness within every human being to shine. We need the light and the warmth. We need the solutions and the salvations.

The most efficient and effective strategy that will maximize our society's returns requires each of us to become and help others become, who they are. To develop that inner goodness. Helping people know themselves, pursue their gifts, and define their lives accordingly is the greatest mentoring and networking opportunity.

Who are you? Will your job title be your legacy or your epitaph? Now what are you going to do?

Thanks for reading. John

 

The Write Stuff and the Write Thinking

One of the reasons I decided to create this blog was to write down my ideas and share them with others. Writing has become an exercise in articulating my commitments to myself and to others. It has become a habit that enables me to discuss my thoughts and to commit them to written words. Ideas that swirl around in our heads can evaporate and are only meaningful if they are held in captivity and examined in writing. 

In our minds we are legends. :) We are very collected, poised, ready for anything. We can think we are pretty awesome. :) But the reality is we need to evaluate what we are doing, where we are going, and the big differences between what we intend and what we do. 

My son is off to Yosemite to hike for a week with members of his senior class. I have encouraged him to journal. I told him to try not to write about what he did and saw, but about what he is thinking about. Not necessarily profound thoughts but just his current thoughts. My daughter is studying abroad and her lengthy e-mails on her experiences are very insightful. She has become a very good writer because her words describe the emotional and intellectual content of her experiences. Writing will help them and anyone who does it. It is not a student exercise, it is a life habit.

We all need to write more. More about who we are and who we intend to be. We need to write our career ideas, our relationship commitments, our bucket lists, and our goals. That's why I developed the SWIVEL_(new_2012)  to assist people in capturing in lists and brief written expressions what they want to strengthen in their lives. 

A few sample questions from the SWiVEL to prompt you to write.

• What three things do I have to change in my life? Things I have to improve or work on?

1. _________________________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________________________

• What three issues, causes, or things am I passionate about? Things that are meaningful to me.

1. _________________________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________________________

• What am I curious about? I would really appreciate some help exploring/learning about these subjects.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Write to yourself so you see and hear who you are.

There are studies that show that writing goals improves goal achievement. Did we really need a study to prove this? The act and process of writing deepens our commitment, even more so if you share it.

Have you ever seen FutureMe.org? Where you can write your future self an e-mail. You can write anything. Describe how you will be different, what you have accomplished, or how you have changed.....The point is any time we write, we are writing to our future self about the past. Writing helps us understand the past in the future. 

Ink your commitments to yourself. Write it down. And feel free to change it and make it better as you get more perspective through your networking and mentoring experiences. Literally comparing notes with others can bring powerful results. Sharing your well thought out questions and ideas will always yield more insights. Relying solely on your your ability to talk---your adlibness, your glibness is safer and easier and a bit more dangerous. You probably have well developed verbal packages that both falsely defend your actions and protect your ego. These need to be tested in the laboratory of writing. Write and read what you are thinking and I guarantee your thinking will change. Written words demand precision and accuracy. They summon the editor in you to make the words convey what you are thinking. 

 So move your thinking to the write! Type it, scribble it, just write more. Your personal narrative will improve and be more believable and more authentic! Your questions will be more potent. Your connections with others will be more meaningful. Write!

Thanks for reading. John

Lessons from My Mom

We honor all the mothers for their love and for their nurturing of the children. Kinda silly to have one single day for Hallmark and FTD to make money, when we should be honoring our moms everyday.

Mothers are what power our society. They bring us into this world and they nurture our talent and our dreams. I have had the great fortune to work for a number of moms who have endured more work-life pressure, challenges, and sheer discrimination than any man has ever encountered.

Last week, I laughed when Norm Mineta, former Secy of Commerce and Secy of  Transportation, began his lifetime award acceptance speech like this:

I was very fortunate to have chosen my mother,  father and family so well.

There are an infinite series of events and factors that brought us into the world that you had nothing to do with. One thing is certain, you have a mother. And she made great sacrifices and taught us great lessons. Bottomline: we are here because of her and the only way to fully repay her is to make her proud of you and of the job she has done.

Like everyone's mom, my mother is very special. :) She has been my primary mentor and teacher about life and how to live. I have learned as much from observing the way she lives as from her words of wisdom. She was born in 1927 on a poor farm in the San Joaquin valley right before the Great Depression. She was the second to the youngest of 11 who grew up to "appreciate every grain of rice." With only one sister she had few female role models and had to develop her own sense of destiny in a world dominated by men. At the age of 15 she and her family where placed in the internment camps for almost 4 years. So she "graduated" from high school in the camps. She went to nursing school, met my Dad, raised a family and decided to become an artist at the age of 49. She has never complained about her hardships. She has always lived life with gusto and made everyone around her feel special and loved.

Just wanted to share five of the many lessons she taught me:

1. Always Look like You Know What You are Doing: Whatever role you take, job you accept, even sport you play--look the part. Study people who do these things well and try and do what they do. Look like they do. This was a very early version of the advice to dress for success. If you are serious about mastering a role, make the effort to look like it. Met so many young people who are ambitious with no ambition. They want to be given opportunities and even request to be mentored when they neither act or look as if they are mentorable. Youwill never be taken seriously unless you start looking like you know what you are doing.
2. Always Treat People as They are Going To Be: If you pay attention you can see people's potential. You can see that they are working on who they are and where they are going. My mother was big on treating people you encounter as if they have become their potential. You meet, work with, and are connected to people who have many failings and shortcomings. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don't be quick to judge people by their initial actions, see them for what they are becoming. Clearly, this is great advice as a parent, or a teacher. All children are becoming, and treating them with respect and without prejudice is essential for their development. But my mom extends this to all adults too. Everyone has something to offer and you should never do anything to undermine the best intentions and potential of that relationship.
3. Give First: Living is not staying current on your debts. Life is about being generous. Reciprocity is not the goal. Keeping score is not worth the effort. Always be generous with your time and resources. We never went to someone else's home without food or a gift. Be the best of who you are all of the time. And being the best is about giving first and giving often without expectation.
4. Being a Host is an Art form: Learn how to be a host of events. How to take on a Host mindset. Being a host means you rarely think of yourself as a guest who must be served and entertained. You take on a host mentality to help people engage and not allow the other guests to disconnect even if it is not your party. You host many events at your home to become a hub for activities and connections. You want people to feel at home in your home. And when you host events, you make it special even if it is a routine gathering. You don't have to spend a lot of money to present the food and your home with style and elegance. It just takes a little effort and a bit of creativity.
5. Draw Outside of the Lines: We were encouraged as children to color outside of the coloring book lined figures. My mother's right brain orientation told her that creativity comes from using and understanding the positive and negatives spaces. Outside of the lines is always a bigger and better place to create and learn--she would say. Never be confined by or make assumptions about, the boundaries that have been imposed upon you.

I love my mom for what she has taught me and teaches me. I work hard at trying to use these lessons and many others to realize my potential. Her lessons have shaped my views of mentoring and networking.

Every mom teaches us lessons we should appreciate. How do we take what we have learned and make her proud everyday?

Aren't we lucky we picked our mothers well? ;)

Thanks for reading. John

The Asian Crossover and Our Common Destiny

In May 0f 1992, Congress declared May as Asian Pacific American (APA) Heritage Month. It was an extension of their resolution to establish APA Heritage Week 14 years before. It is a special time to raise awareness about the APA communities' history and culture. It is also a time to re-ignite pride within the communities by celebrating the many achievements and galvanizing the APA community around issues, causes and challenges within our communities. While there are many good things about APA Heritage Month, I honestly have mixed feelings about a month set aside to focus on a specific ethnic group. For me every month is APA month! When you are an APA you confront the challenges of mis-information, ignorance and just sheer discrimination all of the time.

I am an Asian Crossover. No I am not talking about a new car that is part SUV and part sports coupe. Nor I am alluding to Jeremy Lin's sweet ankle breaking dribble move. I have been an APA who has worked in "mainstream" places and organizations for my whole career. I have been many times in my professional and personal career, the "first APA to lead/head" and organization, the "first APA" on a board or the "highest ranking APA" in very large organizations and industries. No brag here just fact---plus I am pretty old :) It actually is more a source of embarrassment to me that we have to use these labels even in 2012! Sadly we do, because we still have a long ways to go. My point is that I decided early on that I had an obligation, nee, a duty to help everyone, especially my "round eye" colleagues to be more sensitized to APA issues. I have also helped those organizations and industries engage more APA talent and customers. In general, you become the local Google search engine for APA questions and referrals. It is really tough representing millions of APAs and billions of Asians! :)

But being an Asian Crossover has its price and costs. Some in the APA community consider you a "sell-out" or even a banana----yellow on the outside and white on the inside. (Asians are really good at copying others---clearly inspired by the Oreo designation in the African American community) I have been called a sell-out several times. But I knew who I was and who I was trying to become.

Being an Asian Crossover is a role that I do not shy away from. I decided I would bite my tongue and help as many others understand me and other APA communities no matter what was said or happened. I chose to become a bridge of understanding, with a specific focus on non-Asians. I always wanted to share what I have learned with the APA community--push APA talent to rise. But I learned there also needs to be a pulling force from the top of organizations, which is overwhelmingly non-Asian. Being a crossover means you have to do the pushing and the pulling.

This mindset enabled me enter new worlds with a purpose. To be very comfortable being the only person of color and usually the only Asian in the room. 25 years ago I was asked by KPCC, the NPR affiliate here in LA, to do an "Asian" show. KPCC was very interested in reaching the burgeoning Asian population in southern California, especially in the San Gabriel Valley. I told them that the only way they would reach these new Asians was by doing Asian language programming, starting with Mandarin. A couple years before I played a small part in launching the Jade Channel, a new cable tv channel with an array of Mandarin programming. I had a series of awkward conversations with the KPCC execs, about the challenges these new immigrants were having to assimilate and the high levels of discrimination they were already facing. Finally I told them I would do an "Asian" show focused on raising the awareness of non-Asians. I told them I would call it Asian Understanding. They were so pleased because they got their "Asian show". So for 10 years and 455 live shows I designed Asian Understanding as a crossover talk show, building bridges to the new and venerable APA communities through the arts, news, and personalities.

How do you take the bananas you are given and make a great banana milkshake? :)

Last Friday I was honored to be the keynote speaker at Southern California Edison's APA Heritage luncheon. All SCE's execs were in attendance, as well as SCE's APA partners, a smattering of SCE employees. It was a very formal and elegant luncheon filled with music, inspirational awards, and of course wonderful food. My speech themes followed my path as an Asian Crossover. To build bridges of understanding. To connect APAs with other communities. To strengthen our connection to our common destiny.

Here is an excerpt from my speech: Download SCE APA Heritage Final 5.4.12:

The greatest limitation to our advancement is our own imagination, our own concept of ourselves. We impose many constraints on ourselves. Yes there is discrimination, prejudice, racism and stereotyping. Sad to say these are omni present forces that can hold us back. But we must rise above these enemies of our growth and ambitions by becoming stronger. We have to grow to be more visible, more assertive, and better leaders. We cannot wait to be recognized, to be invited, we must seize our opportunities.

This is our time. Right now. To remember our ancestors to appreciate our opportunities. But what will we do to honor them?

It's not about me it is about we—our destinies are tied to one another

We have to live a life of passion and compassion.

We have lead by example and live our legacy.

We are many but are we much? We have much for which to be grateful. But what will we do to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. What will each of us do to make sure our kids understand the roots of their past and give them the wings to their future?

Each of us can crossover to other communities to build bridges between and amongst our communities of interest. And to discover new communities, new people, and new things along the way. This is the lifestyle of networking and mentoring. To connect to your own identities and to connect with others.

So I mark this 20th anniversary of APA Heritage Month, inspired by what has come before us and challenged by the road ahead. Any chance to remind myself of who I am and what I stand for is a great month. But next month and the month after are just as important times to use our uniqueness to connect our commonalities to strengthen our communities.

Thanks for reading. John

When will I start my yellow brick road journey?

When I talk to people about their lives the most popular concept of time is:

The future will be better. And Now is definitely not a good time to make a change.

There is widespread occurrence of optimistic procrastination. People plan to do many things. Down the road a better future awaits--an Emerald City down a yellow brick road. These include things that they must do, to ambitions and aspirations, to full on bucket list items. Many things get jammed into their time capsule of the future. Funny thing is the amount of time continues to shrink and the amount of things to do grows inversely. Not a great formula for fulfillment. Most dream more than they do. Still others enjoy the momentary pleasure they get from self deception and deceiving others with their fantasies.

It is impossible to argue with somebody’s future plans, isn’t it? Like a 8 year old who tells you he will be an astronaut or President, we never burst those bubbles of the future unless we are cruel. But we act similarly when we hear about the sometimes preposterous and possibly more unlikely scenarios of grown-ups. “I plan to own my own business.” “Head a non-profit.” “Launch a new start-up.”

But the planning required to even consider that path are procrastinated as well. Do they talk to others in their network who already do these things? Do they understand what it takes and more important, would they enjoy the experience? Everyone envisions that their restaurant, their idea for a new app, even their non-profit etc will succeed, get rave reviews and grow like a weed—and of course make them financially well off. Similarly, becoming a VP or CEO is much better than what they have now. Because more is always better. We know there are substantial pluses and minuses to all choices but living ambiguously allows us to avoid the confusion that comes from facts, real plans and the experiences of others.

Do friends let friends drive their lives in a state of ambiguity?

So the seemingly endless time ahead is aided and abetted by a very able co-conspirator--the persistent thought that Now is a terrible time to make any changes. We are all so busy Now to think about the future. Busy with what seems important Now and never getting to what we want. Being busy is never a life strategy.

Time flies and you never get it back. And stuff happens—wonderful and horrible events that throw you off track. Optimistic procrastination ensures that the Emerald City remains an illusion. One thing is certain you never come this way again.

Things do improve with age, your perspective, your maturity, your judgment, your priorities. But the opportunity to evolve and change is always NOW.

Implement your plan. Get on your yellow brick road.

A new friend has aging parents that have dreamed of seeing the Eiffel Tower and the Egyptian Pyramids. His parents physicality is evaporating and they always wanted to see these sights. So he is taking them next month to both Paris and Cairo! Not a convenient time for my friend, but it is not his time that is important. A man I worked with has struggled with his relationship with his daughter. The daughter is in school 3 hours away and my friend now drives every Tuesday to have dinner with her. Shockingly their relationship has improved. :) I met a stay at home mom who has teenage sons and she is trying to recalibrate her career, so she is volunteering at nights and weekends at a non-profit to make a career shift. She could wait until both her sons graduate, but she was compelled to follow her heart and get a head start on her dreams.

If you are doing something to pursue your goals, aspirations etc now, then you will be with others who want that too. You will be talking about what you are doing and we know that links us to others and new connections. So active pursuit of what you want is not just a hollow cry to get motivated and eschew procrastination. It is a process of actions that changes your orbit and puts you into new constellations of support that push you further toward your destination leaving potential regrets in your gulfstream.

What time is it? Time to move! Time to get off the road of self deception, procrastination and ambiguity. Time to help others make and take the time to get where they need to go. Time to find your yellow brick road and join others who support and understand your journey.

Thanks for reading. John

Winning without being first

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.--Napoleon Hill

Talked to a friend who saw his dream job in a passive Linked In message. He was surprised that a job like this existed and wasn't even looking. (amazing what happens when you are not looking) He applied and got to the finals and could taste it. But was told he did not have a little extra the #1 candidate had. He was deeply disappointed. Over the next few months. he licked his wounds and chalked it up as a lesson of life and was deeply grateful that he found an example of what his next adventure would be. But then time and a positive perspective yield benefits. Low and behold, he gets a call from the recruiter and the "better" candidate quit and my friend was being back if he was still interested! No other candidates will be interviewed so it appears he will get his dream job.

In my travels, I have heard this story over and over again. People who suffer the initial disappointing defeat of a door slammed in their face only to find a new window swings open through persistence and grace.

I truly believe things happen for a reason and if you don't give up on who you are and what you want, new opportunities are revealed. New paths appear. I have learned that there are many paths that can take you where you want to go and to wonderful places you did not know existed.

It's not what happens to us, but the response to what happens to us that hurts us. ---Stephen Covey

My career path is a road filled with potholes, detours and surprising off ramps. Not to mention the paths I chose NOT to take. While I'd like to take credit for my trajectory, the truth is I was rarely the top pick for anything. I have learned over time that my persistence and presence kept me in the process and sometimes, through a series of quirks and situations I was hired. I know that my mentors and network played a much bigger role than I ever did.

My hiring at the UCLA Alumni Association only happened after a series of candidates turned the job down. I was the "least qualified" of all of the candidates considered, according to the executive search firm in charge of the placement. My lack of university and alumni relations experience was considered a major deficiency. Once I became interested in this job, I waged a "campaign" to get it. During this time, unbeknownst to me, all of the top candidates fell away. I asked all of my references to advocate for my candidacy. As a result, I was politely asked, "please stop the lobbying". In the end, I believe expressing my serious interest in the position was the difference that got me the job.

Once you get it, what placed you finished in the original race is irrelevant.

Numerous times my hiring, appointment to a board, and selection as a keynote speaker came after the top candidates were considered. I don't have a complex about this! :) I have learned that the tortoise can win the race. That being available, qualified, well-connected, and truly interested in the opportunity has always mattered.

I love the story about how Dick Clark got his big break on the Bandstand television show, when the original host was arrested for drunk driving. While I am sure Clark wanted the job, he was never expecting that his radio career would become a tv career in an unexpected moment. Clearly he was ready!

My fav story involves Paul Marcarelli, the "Can you hear me now?" guy from Verizon. Paul was filming one of his famous commercials at our house and talking to a group of my kids and neighbors. One of the kids blurted out, "How much do you make?" And after an uncomfortable silence, Paul told these mesmerized kids that he was living his dream and makes "millions", but that he was not Verizon's first choice.  As Paul tells the story, he was an understudy, who's primary occupation was a waiter. When the first commercial was to be filmed, the lead actor came onto the set heavily made up to conceal his new black eye. Apparently he had a rough nite which ended in a bar fight. The Director fired the actor and summoned Paul in front of the cameras--for the next 9 years. And the rest is history!

What does all this mean?

• Always be ready. Always look like you are ready.
• Every interview is important to build your brand, no matter where you end up.
• Be open and ready for a new and unexpected opportunity.
• Stay in touch with your "dream" employer. Stuff happens.
• Continue building your skills and delivering the goods.
• Keep your netwok engaged with your searches and your dreams
• Never give up on your dreams or yourself.

It is not whether you win, it is whether you get the opportunity. And you get the opportunity if you are consistently ready, willing and able.

Thanks for reading. John

 

Bundles of Potentiality

Readers of my blog have a greater and larger understanding of networking. Not a set of techniques used to advance personal agendas or selfish goals. Such networking is short term, short lived, and short on changing lives and the world around us.

Networking is a process of connecting people, their ideas, their dreams, and their synergistic power. Networking is a set of relationships that forms a web of love and support for the people in and around it. It is a way of life or a lifestyle. Research shows us this is not just a collection of good ideas for self improvement, this is about how the world works It is about our human potential and releasing that potential for the common good.

According to Margaret Wheatley:

The scientific search for the basic building blocks of life has revealed a startling fact: there are none.  The deeper that physicists peer into the nature of reality, the only thing they find is relationships.  Even sub-atomic particles do not exist alone. One physicist described neutrons, electrons, etc. as “. . .a set of relationships that reach outward to other things.”  Although physicists still name them as separate, these particles aren’t ever visible until they’re in relationship with other particles.  Everything in the Universe is composed of these “bundles of potentiality” that only manifest their potential in relationship.

We live in a culture that does not acknowledge this scientific fact.  We believe wholeheartedly in the individual and build organizations based on this erroneous idea.  We create org charts of separate boxes, with lines connecting the boxes that indicate reporting relationships and alleged channels of communication.  But our neatly drawn organizations are as fictitious as building blocks are to physicists.  The only form of organization used on this planet is the network—webs of interconnected, interdependent relationships.  This is true for human organizations as well.  Whatever boxes we stuff staff into, people always reach out to those who will give them information, be their allies, offer support or cheer them up.  Those lines and boxes are imaginary.  The real organization is always a dense network of relationships.

 

We are just "bundles of potentiality" that only manifest their potential in relationship.

In many ways we are like acorns with hundreds, perhaps thousands of oak trees within us. Seeds of potential that will sprout, grow and endure only under the right circumstances----relationships. Most of us never know our true bundle of potentiality. We get caught up in our lives and we reap what we sow. We are afraid of our potentiality. And most potential is lost.

It is the many relationships and experiences in our networks that cause friction with our potentiality and sometimes sparks fly. Sparks of inspiration, understanding and meaning. When we connect to help, to learn, to support, and to explore our goodness and the goodness of others, we encounter our potentialities. We start to understand how interconnected we are. How intertwined our potentiality is. How much our destinies are tied together.

Funny thing is we can see the potentiality in others. It is often plain to us what others could or should do. Others see us that way too. What would happen if we helped one another to reach that potential? To work together to find our common interests and seek the common good. 

We waste so much time on our differences.

  

As the physicist notes above, we need to reach outward and become visible, our potentiality becomes visible only through relationships.

 

If we don't connect and work together we will perish. We will not create, procreate or generate new solutions and ideas.

 

A network is a web of mutual obligations, of love, and caring of human expression. Nothing that lives and thrives is alone or not networked. To network is to be human. That's why we network. To pursue our common bundles of potentiality and make them visible.

Thanks for reading.  John

 

Breaking the addiction to Zoloft for our souls

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. H L Mencken attributed.

Used in the 1960 Oscar nominated film, Inherit the Wind, where a newspaper editor says, "It is the duty of a newspaper to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."

I think this is everyone's job. This is why we exist. To care for those suffering and to make those not suffering to care.

Harvard released a study that shows that the protesters for the Occupy movement represent the top 1% of the world's population in wealth! We are all too comfortable!

More than ever we medicate our soul to avoid feeling for others. In order to focus on our needs we turn a blind eye to those in need.  

Nature abhors a vacuum. None exist.

Our  souls despise emptiness. Yet many seem to be.

We fool ourselves into to thinking we are caring and empathetic. We wear colored ribbons, and stand when the military is present, we buy products that support our causes, and we talk/complain about the needs of the poor and down trodden. These are all commendable gestures but we know they are insufficient. We know in our hearts that we should do more. We know that our actions are passive and not confronting the real problems. We make excuses that the issues are complex, overwhelming, and beyond our expertise. So we do nothing. It is zoloft for the soul. Each time we fool ourselves by doing or thinking something "good" we take a swig of anti-depressants to numb us from the reality. Numb is dumb. And we know it.

We know that all problems are addressed one person, one family, one, neighborhood, and one community at a time. Taht one person can make a difference. But we can easily hide in the shadows of the enormity of the issue or problem. "My kid's school is bad, but it is the system that fails our children, so my involvement with the PTA will do nothing." "Homelessness is primarily caused by mental illness, so what can I do?" "I really do want to volunteer, but I am very busy right now." I remember asking a man on my board at Big Brothers Big Sisters, why he was involved. He said. "I am here for the kids." I told him none of the kids will ever be at a board meeting you have to come to our events, to the schools, or to our offices during the work day to see the kids. He told me he was too busy for that. Our soul cries out for a more fulfillment and more humanity in our lives and yet we pretend, procrastinate and hesitate.

The map is not the territory.  Alfred Korcybski

We have to deep dive into these issues we care about to understand them. We have to pursue them with passion and compassion. We have to see and experience the issue first hand. What is the truth about my kid's school? Or about the homeless in my area? Which organizations are devoted to this issues? How can I help? What are others doing? Does my charitable giving follow my heart? We have to answer and pursue these questions with our network and our mentors. We have to advance our thoughts to test our convictions and our commitments.

We talk more about the next product we are going to buy, the video we saw,  complain about our dental benefits, or feed the rumor mill with our gossip. All of these diversions are part of the way we medicate ourselves.

Many people I meet talk about "helping others" or "changing the world" like it is a European vacation they will take upon retirement. They envision themselves having more time and flexibility in this utopian time ahead. That's when they will take the off ramp from the medicated freeway and put what they care about in the center of their lives. We know it is a lie. I get so depressed when I hear these false promises to become more altruistic and caring in a future time. It makes me want to take Zoloft, but  don't. :)

What people don't understand is we don't have much time. If you are 25 or 65, your time to define your life by your deeds and not just your thoughts is limited. You have to care AND act on those feelings now. Maybe you feel guilty. Maybe you are "doing enough". The truth is each of us can and should do more. We have to detox our souls from the comforting meds of avoidance and emptiness and replace them with heavy doses of the the realities of the opportunities to reduce the suffering that surrounds us.

The irony is once we do this, we fill our soul and we become more engaged in our lives. We meet people who share this lifestyle. We become more successful because our lives are more aligned with who we are, they become more reality based and less numb. We do it not just to comfort the afflicted but to afflict our souls with the comfort of truly being human.

 Thanks for reading. John

Curious Connection to the Chumash

My life path has been altered by the many chance connections I have had. I married a woman I met on a plane ride. I signed an agreement to publish a calendar with a dinner table seat mate I just met . I was referred to a new job by someone I met at Starbucks. And on and on.......have learned that if I keep an open mind, an open heart, and open to connections, things happen. Things that will expand my world and my world view.

Mati and Luhui Waiti are Chumash (shoo-maush) spiritual leaders and environmental advocates for Ventura and Los Angeles Counties. They run a non-profit called Wishtoyo, dedicated to the preservation and sharing of the Chumash culture. How did these people become friends and how does my family become supporters of Wishtoyo?

The wife of one of my closest friends, Brenda Berman, was part Choctaw Indian. When she was diagnosed with a deadly and unstoppable form of breast cancer called "triple negative", she sought spiritual support. Brenda's close friend Jennifer thought a re-connection to her Indian roots might help. She knew Wishtoyo and introduced Brenda and her husband Mitch to Mati and Luhui. The Chumash traditions brought great peace to Brenda. They helped her through her pain and struggle during her last days. They connected Brenda with her inner spirit in palpable ways. It is impossible to explain here, but it was extraordinary.

Brenda's husband Mitch, who previously had little spirituality, was transformed by the message and meaning of the Chumash, but especially by the spiritual embrace of Mati and Luhui. He is a different person today.

To be honest, while I was happy for Brenda and her family in finding their peace, I was wary about what this meant to me. I was not seeking any spiritual guidance or facing any personal tragedies.

Over the last 6 months, my family and I learned more about Wishtoyo, largely through several memorials for Brenda. Today, we have become deeply involved with Wishtoyo. We have been moved by the words and actions of Mati and Luhui. We have acquired an understanding of what Brenda experienced and we are better for it. When I think about it, it is a surprising turn of events.

So literally, a friend of a friend introduced us to a world we did not know---to people who seemed foreign  and not terribly relevant. How did a series of exotic experiences became existentially essential? How did this happen? Luck? Destiny?

More than anything it is open-mindedness. Acceptance of new and different things. The more my life is changed by these encounters, the more I  seek them and share them. I have come to learn how my view of the world, my routines, habits and preferences filter out so much. I am constantly humbled how much I don't know and understand.

We erroneously think that new experiences are out there in a special place we should visit some day. Reality is you encounter them everyday and they are right in front of you disguised as people, opportunities, and ideas you ignore. Connections are not chance they are a choice.

Wishtoyo means rainbow bridge in Chumash. We all need to be open to new bridges that connect us with one another and to our inner spirits.

Thanks for reading. John

Finding inspiration by jumping into it

Every day, every week, I seek inspiration to understand my role and why I do what I do. I have learned I need personal experiences to lift my eyes and my mind to the greater purpose of my work. When you look for something, you usually find it! Waiting to be inspired is the couch potato approach to life. The "maybe something interesting will happen today", is the lottery ticket approach to life.

The pursuit of inspiration is a relentless and inexorable process. My own journeys toward the inspirational light have taught me that the most powerful inspiration does not come from famous speeches or philosophical books. It comes from a closer examination of self and the lives of people you encounter. My search for inspiration is not on the internet or by endless referrals. I find it occurs when I open my eyes and see what is right in front of me, the people, their stories, the challenge, the cause and of course the unmet need. The fuel of this process  is accepting and pursuing the natural invitations in life. I do agree to meet with and go to, almost anybody and anywhere. I truly believe the Ubuntu philosophy that we become what we experience and who we meet.

Here are the top excuses to avoid experiences or meeting people:

I am too busy. (I have a complete life)

I am tired and need time to myself. (I am lazy)

This is not a good time for change. (I am never ready)

I am uncomfortable meeting new people and doing new things. (I am afraid)

I have nothing to offer others. (I have a lack of self confidence)

I hear these excuses almost everyday. It makes me want to scream. Because these are the same people that tell me that they want more! They want to grow! They want to advance their lives and the lives of others! This conflict of words, thoughts, and ultimately actions leads to horrible consequences. Mostly regrets and a sense of falling behind your dreams and goals. We can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And we can't let "good enough" be our goal. And we can't let all of the warning signs disrupt our journey.

As I say all of the time, the "Wait and See" strategy is the most personally damaging tact one can take. You the know the endless hesitation to jump into the moving waters of life. One of our favorite places is the north shore of Oahu--Shark's Cove, Haleiwa, and Waimea Bay. Beautiful waters and beaches. In Waimea Bay there is a giant rock just off shore. Dozens of signs warn visitors of the prohibition and dangers of jumping from the rock. Yet every day you go there hundreds of people of all ages and shapes are climbing and jumping from this rock. Some do high dives called "suicides" and others jump in feet first. But inevitably there are a few people young and not so young who freeze on the edge of the jumping off place. People on the rock encourage them and people in the water tell them it is okay. But they stand there for what seems like an interminable time. One young person stood there for 5 minutes! Then, they jumped in from various perches over and over again. It is that first leap that can be the hardest. Once you realize how exhilarating it is, how warm the water can be, and how it strengthens self confidence--you need and want more.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building the wings on the way down. --Ray Bradbury

The process of taking little jumps leads to bigger jumps. Jumps in your relationships, your career, and your overall satisfaction with your life.

Look around you and pursue what interests you, what is different from you. Reach out and get to know people you encounter. Find out what they do. Go and see it. All such experiences open our eyes to something new. And each one of these moments informs you of what you value, care about, and want to pursue. Every answer creates more questions. If you think you know it all, then you know nothing. Learning what we don't know is the greatest leap of all.

Otherwise, when you open your eyes you may only see your couch and your cubicle! Yes, being comfortable is important. But complacent?! But regretful?! And unfulfilled?!

If you don't jump into inspiration that is right in front of you. How will you get inspired?

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. Francis de Assisi

Thanks for jumping and reading. John

Standing for the silent

If we don't stand for something we will fall for anything. anonymous

It's interesting to consider for whom and for what we stand! I meet people who can't answer this question. But we ALL stand for others whether we like or know it. Our ancestors, our families, our heritage, our organizations. Our brands, our trajectories, our futures and our destinies are grounded in the histories and values of the past. All of us have silent partners, silent beneficiaries, silent supporters, and silent investors. But do we remember and represent them?

I was reminded of new and different silent groups who we benignly ignore or forget. People who we know about but don't understand. In our defense, there are just too many "less fortunate" and "victims", and "people in need." It overloads our capacity for emotions and empathy. And frankly, exceeds our guilt bandwidth.

I met the silent this week. People who literally can not speak and or advocate for themselves. People who need help or their memory triggers our human desire to help.

I visited an extraordinary special education school called College View Elementary. It is a comprehensive treatment program for 4 to 22 year olds who cope with and live through serious physical and mental challenges. When we think of special education, we might think about a student with learning disabilities, possibly autism, or a physical impairment who are being mainstreamed. The vast majority of these students can not communicate verbally and most will never be mainstreamed. They were and are silent, and very much alive. Young people trapped in a bodies and minds that restricts their ability to express themselves. The parents of these students, the staff of the school, and their community of friends have to stand for the silent everyday.

Then I met a couple of orphans from the Japanese tsunami. 2000 children and young people lost at least one parent on 3.11.11. One of the young people described his new commitment to become a search and rescue team member to help find people in the sea that took his dad. He will be standing for the silent.

Lastly, I went to an inner city elementary school and saw a presentation made by Kyle Smalley. It was one of the most powerful presentations I have ever seen. It began with 7 students standing behind enlarged photos of 7 smiling youth. Each student read a brief story of bullying where the young person in the photo was driven to suicide. Kyle then mesmerized and engaged the several hundred 8-12 year-olds in the audience with his authenticity and his folksy style. He told the heart breaking story about his 11 year old son Ty, who was bullied for two years. Ty could not take it anymore and retaliated and was suspended from school. His mother Laura took Ty home that day and Ty tragically took his life that afternoon.

With the help of friends they formed Stand for the Silent. Kyle and Laura have devoted their lives to Stand for the Silent in memory of their son Ty and to make sure that "no other babies suffer Ty's fate." Stand for the Silent aims to help us respect one another, to love one another, and to stand up and make a difference for those that have been silenced.

A new documentary film which comes out later this month, Bully, features the Smalleys and their work. See it! It will move you to act and to act differently.

All of us stand for the silent, either wittingly or unwittingly. The "silent" are the vulnerable  without voices to advocate for themselves. The silent are those we have lost who inspire our work and our dreams. The silent are those we represent on a daily basis in the values we embrace and the good we attempt to do. If we don't stand for them, who does?

All that is needed for the forces of evil to succeed is for enough good people to remain silent. (inspired by Edmund Burke)

Standing for the silent also means we can not remain silent. We tolerate too much bigotry, prejudice, hazing, hatred, bullying and mean-spiritedness. Not talking about political correctness. Nobody means to hurt another, except the socio-pathic. But we each see, hear and witness things that need to be stopped--where a teaching moment can possibly save a life. We can not remain silent if we are going to live our values. Easy to say, but necessary to assert.

What silence will we break to advocate for another?

Which silent will we stand for?

Let's all take the pledge to help one another. To keep the silent populations who need us in our hearts, our minds and in our daily work. To stand and speak for the silent.

Thanks for reading. John

Networking through the right side of your brain

We all know that the brain is divided into hemispheres that govern our functions and abilities. While research has proven that both sides are involved in almost every human activity, each of us has a "dominant" side--a hemisphere we rely on a bit more than the other. Simply put, the left side is the more logical, rational, sequential, and numerical. The right side is more holistic, emotional, organic, and visual.

One of the many advantages I had growing up was I was raised between these hemispheres. My artist mother is a right brainer who taught us how to draw outside of the lines. My accountant father has a big left brain and taught us to analyze the data. As kids, it was confusing at times, but we learned the benefits of both points of view. It was funny to watch my mom paint and my dad price the paintings!

Brain Dominance Test  Are you a right or left brainer? Take this test.

What happens is you have a hemisphere that is stronger and you start to favor it. It becomes part of your identity and then others reinforce it by what they say and how they encourage you. And often this defines life choices you make, your educational path, your network, your job and career choices.

Many years ago my mother encouraged me to read Betty Edwards, Drawing on the right side of the brain.  Can you draw what you see vs what you are thinking? I learned that through awareness you could engage the other hemisphere. You can change your preferences and abilities---and this alters the way you label and identify yourself. My drawing ability is still limited but I can see a lot more.

It is well known that regardless what hemisphere of your brain is dominant, you can be creative. Creativity is not determined by the hemispheres. It will be more determined by your network and your appetite to not accept the labels you give yourself or are assigned to you.  

A lot of people in our industry haven't had very diverse experiences. So they don't have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one's understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have. Steve Jobs

Jonah Lehrer's new book, which comes out later this month, Imagine:How Creativity Works outlines the forces and sources of creativity. Of course, there are many factors both environmental and personal that influence and generate creative thoughts. One of the most important of these factors revealed by this book is your network. Most of the most innovative companies encourage their employees to form "diverse networks" where they explore other disciplines and fields. Another of many compelling studies cited by Lehrer, is Martin Ruef's research on more than 750 Stanford MBA grads. All of them started their own companies. Those with "diverse networks" were 3X more creative. 3 Times! "Diverse networks" always mean networks that represent people who are different than you--ethnic, religious, political, geographic, occupational, age, economic and educational diversity.

Diverse always means different than you. It means different perspectives that you have to learn to understand. It means letting go of your assumptions.

I have learned not to pre-judge a source or to under-estimate a person. Everyone has talent, power, and ideas. Approaching every meeting, encounter and experience with expectations can destroy the opportunity to see and hear something new.

Who you know and talk to determines what you know and what ideas you will have.

 How diverse is your network? Probably not enough. How will you reach out to new people with new and different perspectives?

• What you read matters
• Who you interact with at the organizations you belong to
• Your propensity to attend events outside of your affiliations
• The frequency in which you engage in discussions with people with different perspectives
• Doing things because it it is interesting not obligated

A diverse network is never really complete. Because you evolve and your needs evolve. What sparks insight and innovation changes.  What is diverse  to you changes. So to remain creative and fresh you have to have a network that constantly enhances your world view.

 

When we reach out to new experiences and connections, it sparks creativity. Your potential to  offer solutions increases and your appreciation for other points of view rises. The world becomes more interconnected and interdependent. And your opportunities to contribute expands.

 

We can not let our dominant hemisphere dominate our identities and our choices. Creativity is within everyone. You need to open up your mind to new sources of ideas and inspiration by breaking out of a network that looks and sounds like you.  

 

Thanks for reading. John

 

What are we racing to?

Aaaaah to be a student. Yes, I know we are all students of life--that's what old people say. :) But to be an enrolled student in higher education where the postponement of reality and the grappling with, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" is a full time job. Most students think they are the disadvantaged ones. They mistakenly envy those who are finished with their formal education. Students labor under the wrong assumption that they have no real influence over their futures and are mere pawns in the bigger chess game of the worldwide economic landscape.

Those of us who have graduated, know that the lucky ones are those still within the ivy covered walls. That being a student is one of the most powerful, invigorating, and creative times in one's life.

Youth is wasted on the young.  George Bernard Shaw

Perspective is everything.

I had a series of encounters with undergrads and grad students at two of my alma maters, UCLA and USC, where I recently led class discussions. Not sure I could be a full-time professor, but I have always enjoyed and gained from these interactions.

Those of us who have taught know that the future lies in these classrooms. That fertile minds and grand ambitions lurk behind those youthful eyes. Yet for obvious reasons, these students crave something they think those who have graduated have--certainty about their futures--a career. Ha!

The students discount their freedom, their options, their overall power to choose a path. They are often straddling what is prudent and rational (a stable job that provides a good living and what their parents have told them) and the interests and ideas that throb within them (their emerging passions and talents).

Inevitably, I am asked over and over again, in different versions and phrases--"How do you know? How do you know what the right path is?"

One bright eyed and ambitious young man blurted out, "Is your passion within you or do you discover it?" This is a great question. And like all important questions, the answer is a resounding YES! :)

We underestimate what is within us--what is within others. Is is definitely within you, but you have to discover it too. You discover it by the friction you have with the world. The friction of taking chances and taking on challenges that interest you. By meeting people who are doing these things. By intellectually exploring these matters that seem to matter to your heart, mind and soul. By pushing yourself to new realms of understanding about the world and your role in it. By focusing on the growth not the gain. On the process not the promotion. On the wisdom not the wealth.

And how do you do this with a sense of urgency and not stress?

Most of us have discovered that finding THE Career is a fossilized artifact of the previous generation. Today, looking for a career must be replaced with finding oneself, then one's role.

The origin of career is basically a racecourse from the french and a wheeled vehicle from the latin. So it is like a NASCAR race. You go as fast as you can in circles trying to finish first but never getting anywhere.

Those of us who have learned this the hard way, including myself, know that you don't want a career but a vocation. Vocation literally means "calling". To find one's voice and spiritual path.

Back on my student's question. This is never a pursuit done in total solitude. It requires the power of connection and experience. To understand your suffering and the suffering of others. It is about the larger meaning of your life. It demands a network of opportunities and a mentor or three. It requires you to follow your ideas and interests that emerge as your passions. By listening to the voices within you, you will hear the whispers of your calling. You ignore these voices at your peril.

Passion is an itch that needs to be scratched and never goes away. It feels good when scratched but just persists. It is not just the source of joy but the source of great discomfort. That is what surprises people. They are looking for happiness and they find passion and passion is not pure joy, it is the essence of your life. It usually is triggered by the needs of others. And all needs are painful. Passion is discovering who you are and what is your purpose.

Being in front of students, I am reminded of the opportunity that is within all of us to discover who we are. To respond to our inner desire to help others and become the best we can be. I want to keep the student within me alive (the secret formula for eternal youth:).  So I can steer my vocational vehicle along a path paved with passion instead of doing circular laps in a career racecar.

Where are you going?

Thanks for reading. John

Why I use the N word: NETWORKING

Well intentioned people approach me and tell me that "networking" is so passe. It is an old school technique and phrase that really has not role in today's modern society. That I should be really talking about "relationship development" or "connecting" or  using social media.  And this is exactly why I have continued to use the term networking. :) Networking is a well worn word but it also still conjures up resistance. My view is we have to confront our fears and shortcomings. We are inclined to euphemisms and political correctness. We prefer to change the word instead of our behavior. So let me set the record straight, "networking" is a word that has been around a long time. And yes, its description and definition were archaic but they have evolved as well. And today, I think it is perhaps more relevant than ever before.

I believe that networking has been  poorly defined and even more poorly taught and learned. In the beginning it was perceived to be a tool you would employ for a job search and to meet new people, especially to get new sales leads. You would turn on or off your networking mode based on your needs and the situation. You were a selfish hit and run driver who met people and got what you needed and moved on. Networking got a bad rep over many years and that made people, even today, cringe when they'd hear it. Like public speaking, networking was an unnatural skill that people loved to hate. However, unlike public speaking, networking felt wrong, even unethical. The underlying premise that you were going to "use" other people. Networking was really for the extroverted. It felt forced and contrived. It seemed superficial and hollow. These ideas became the dominant and mostly offensive characteristics of networking that made it easier for most people to turn their backs on it. Yes, that me-oriented networking is anchronistic and actually toxic when it comes to your career and your life. 

Since 1991, despite people's objections I decided to use the N word and re-define it. Make it more accessible, usable and actionable. Like so many things, I have learned to embrace the fear versus trying to manipulate the words or my thinking. My goal has always been to help people conquer an old foe that they have shunned and procrastinated. I wanted to help people get back on the old networking horse and see it from a different perspective. That networking was not a selfish skill but a community building skill. That networking was not a technique but a lifestyle of engaging others and learning about oneself. I can not tell you how many thousand people have told me that adopting a lifestyle of mentoring and networking to help each other is not only more beneficial, but more important, it is more doable!

A brief survey of the last 75 years shows us how networking has evolved and is evolving.

Dale Carnegie in his legendary, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he espoused the basic  principles of how to connect back in 1936!

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interest.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Mark Granovetter's ground breaking research in the 70's showed conclusively that "weak social ties", people we know but not well, provide us with more opportunities and new perspectives than our strong and close ties. In other words, we have to break out of our enclaves of comfortable and familiar connections and make and strengthen new ties.

Fast forward to 2000 in The Tipping Point where Malcolm Gladwell introduces people who are Connectors. Connectors are people who know a lot of people ( we all do) and they connect others to one another. They are the hubs of the networks.

2003 and 2004, Linkedin and FB were respectively launched and changed the sheer quantity of people we are connected to---strong and weak ties. But they create more opportunities than networks.

Whatever you call it networking is an essential skill to engage people around you to strengthen a mutually beneficial community. Each of us has a network. And we network. Relationships from work, life and family. The question is, are you actively connecting to others and people in your network to one another? Do you do it without an expectation? Are you strengthening your weak ties? Are you a connector or aspire to be one? Is your networking skill evolving or is it stuck in the past? Call it what you like just don't let the word interfere with your inner desire to help others and yourself.

Thanks for reading. John

 

Linside Us All

The Jeremy Lin story is literally omnipresent. If you have to be on another planet or dead to be missing this compelling saga about the Asian-American basketball phenom who graduated from Harvard, was overlooked by 12 teams and who has recently emerged as the star point guard for the NY Knicks. His Cinderella story of benchwarmer and couch surfer to superstar is an American story about hard work and determination--it is a story about all of us. The confluence of potential, passion, mentoring and opportunity shows us what is Linside us all.

First of all, our collective bias about what a successful person looks like in a particular field can not be underestimated. All of us harbor stereotypes and prejudice that limit who we hire and admire. Even in the NBA, which has undergone a tremendous multi-cultural makeover largely due to the influx of international players. And remember when Tiger broke thru the elite ranks of the PGA...... The point is we still count "firsts" and marvel at people who shatter our assumptions.

Seems like we have forgotten that the first NON-WHITE player in the NBA was Asian-American, Wat Misaka. Ironically he was recruited in 1947 by the NY Kicks, a full three years before any African-Americans occupied an NBA roster. We have to remember the pioneer shoulders on which we all stand.

The news is rife with college and NBA scouts and coaches shaking their heads and apologizing for missing Lin in their recruitment. However, according to his HS coach Peter Diepenbrock, Jeremy is a totally different player today, more muscular, better shooter and quicker. Duke's Coach Krzyzewski saw Jeremy play and says he is a late bloomer, whose talent has developed in the last few years.

Coach Diepenbrock also now says that Jeremy's race and looks did hurt his recruitment. Coaches did not give him their full attention because he is Asian. Often we are blind to talent, potential, and opportunity because it does not exist in a form we expect. And we miss it.

Reminds me of the legendary story about Willie Mays, who was the top rated prospect by the Red Sox scouts passed over by the Red Sox General Manger Joe Cronin. Cronin allegedly said, "...not a Red Sox type." And the Red Sox were the last team to integrate.

Asian Pacific Americans (APAs) are frequently overlooked for promotions, Board seats, and executive suites. For more than 15 years there have been more Asian American graduates of the top American colleges than Latino and African American graduates combined. APAs have also received more graduate degrees. And yet APAs are woefully under represented in the corporate Board rooms (402 0f the Fortune 500 do not have an Asian board member), the C suites, and the executive management ranks. APAs are overlooked everyday. Because of how they look and the cultural ignorance of those making the decisions.  Even though 60% of the planet is Asian, APAs are still "exotic" and "inscrutable" to most Americans. If you are not on the coasts and/or graduated from college, you probably have had little contact with APAs. You rely on your instincts and what your parents told you. In other words, APAs are still foreigners.

But given the numbers of APAs in the pipeline these results must and will change.

There is a bamboo ceiling built by those who stereotype all APAs and thereby limit their growth , development and promotion AND the APAs who never pursue their true potential to lead and develop their own talent.

Last week, I spoke to a group and a man came up to me and gave me a "compliment." "Never heard an Asian speak as well as you. Excellent presentation. Thanks." I know what he meant. The surprise that an Asian spoke English well just underlines my point. It is something I have encountered my whole life.

ESPN news bloggers are fired and reprimanded for using ethnic slurs about Lin in the last few days. There have been numerous racist and discriminatory slurs used by the media in reference to Linsanity. One step forward two steps back. Would this be tolerated by the Black or Latino communities?

Despite all of our awkwardness about this new Asian name and face in the news, Lin is inspiring people around the world. Young and old are celebrating his performances, his humility, his hard work, and his Christian faith. Asian kids are captivated by a heroic and celebrated face that looks like theirs. Yes, some of them will dream of NBA careers, but most will dream bigger dreams.

The power of a role model changes lives. One person can trigger mass mentoring.

Jeremy Lin never gave up his dream. He continued to develop his talent, improve his skills and prepare for his opportunity. He had to fight off all of the doubters. The potential within us is most often stunted when we lose the battle with our own doubt. We all know people with incredible natural gifts, who take them for granted and others who give up on their passions. The other side of talent and potential is a curse if it is never realized.

But Lin did not do this alone. His parents encouraged his basketball and non-traditional paths. His Coach Mike D'Antoni believes in him and gave him the shot. You need a network of support and mentoring to get your chance. Who your boss/mentor/sponsor/coach is always matters.

We need people's dreams. To unshackle the restraints imposed on ourselves and on others that are not our type.

We are surrounded by Jeremy Lins everyday. They are kids, colleagues, neighbors, and fellow citizens. How do we see the potential in everyone regardless of our biases on how they look?

Thanks for reading. John

Your two-sided career mouth

It is hard to understand what people mean--when they say conflicting things.

I want to go to grad school, or travel, but we don't get off the couch.

I want to win the lottery but never buy tickets

I want more but I don't want to do more

I want to meet my soul mate but don't want to meet anyone

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.  Robert McCloskey

I meet a lot of people who confess things to me about their careers. And in that moment of honesty they say confusing things. Things that come from different sides of their mouths. I get to know in that instant the doubter and the doer, the courageous and the cowardly, the fearless and the fearful.

What I want to be and what I really want to be

What I hope to be and what I have to be

What I tell my parents and what I tell myself

Love people but not personnel

Enjoy selling but not sales

Value diversity, but no amongst my friends

Like change (read variety) but not change management

Love risk but want a guaranteed salary and retirement

Want new experiences but only the ones I choose

March Hare: …Then you should say what you mean.
Alice: I do; at least - at least I mean what I say -- that's the same thing, you know.
Hatter: Not the same thing a bit!

Pick your storyline and stick to it. Your story is all you got. Who you are and where you are going. Impossible to get help from anyone or make connections when your storyline is untold, inconsistent, or worse, conflicting.

Why do we take jobs we don't want, to impress people we don't like, to buy things we don't want? Deepak Chopra

Because we get distracted and settle for what looks good, or what others tell us or what just happens. Because we are NOT pursuing what WE want.

Time is meaningless to those who say things they don't mean. And in the meantime, time marches on and as Les Brown says, ..You fall behind in your bills and your dreams.....

We look to find our lives by exploring the new. We look for inspiration from other people's lives. Yet our inspiration is within us.

This is where mentoring and self reflection can be transformational. Making sure you know your story by telling it to yourself and to others you trust. To get feedback and direction.

We are creatures of habit who have thoughts and goals that often don't align with our actions. Either we have to wake up to these conflicts or we have to get help in understanding them.

Speak your possibilities.  Eric Saperston 

And if you do speak with your heart you will make connections to yourself and the world around you. The sooner you close one side of your mouth, the sooner you will have a clear idea of what you have to do to become who you are.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”  Dr Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go......

Thanks for reading. John

The Risk of Not Taking Risks

How will I know when I can take a risk? This may be the most popular question I get. Some hear about my career path and some are hovering around a decision and they wonder---How will I know when to jump? How will I know if it is worth it? How will I know if I should take the chance?

We are confronted with these decisions everyday and I assert almost every moment. Managing risk, choosing options, deciding not to say something or text something, making choices about how you spend your time, being lazy or being productive, doing something well or taking the short cut, listening to your angel or your devil.......You avoid or take micro, big or enormous leaps across a chasm of risk. You make hundreds and perhaps thousands of decisions like this that cumulatively impact your brand, your present self and your future self. We make bad and good decisions, but risk is a matter that we encounter while we are awake. Risk is not a foreign idea.

I was speaking to the kick-off meeting for AAPA, Asian American Professional Association, which has a primary objective of mentoring. 300 mentors and mentees showed up to connect and help one another. This weekend, I also taught a half day workshop for the Rising Stars Youth Leadership Program for high school students. And I emphasized in both these sessions that the greatest network starts with connecting with yourself. The young and more mature brought up the question of career risk taking. And the way the question is framed, can conjure up sky diving or alligator wrestling where you put yourself in harm's way. There are great dangers in career and life changes. The most lethal of which is not being who you are and what you want to be.

It takes courage to listen to your goodness, and acton it.    Pablo Casals

For me, and the way I answered the question, is the greatest risk is regret. I made a promise to myself not to accumulate regrets. Met and know people who have spent their lifetimes developing their regret collections. They seem very old to me. I have always said, "The number  of regrets is a much better determinant of your age than years."

So I use use what I call the regret matrix to make decisions.

• Will I regret it?
• How much will I regret it?
• Or which will I regret more?

Often on the other side of the equation is a deceptive, attractive and convincing opponent--her name is Miss Stability. She is a siren that beckons and whispers that no grass is greener and leaving her would be not only unfaithful but dangerous. She does represent a lot of truly good things--the known, the more predictable, and most important what you have. But for those of us who dream, have ideas, undeveloped talents or still want to change the world, she is a formidable foe. She guards the status quo with her powers that generate self-doubt.

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.  Shakespeare

Here's the real problem. Stability is a mirage. In fact, you don't even want stability. Do you really want world peace, global warming to end, animals to be protected, cancer to be cured, a promotion at work, your kids to have better lives, your company's stock to rise, your home value to increase etc etc? Then you are very dissatisfied with the present. You want lots of change at the macro and the micro levels. On personal, professional and even global levels.

No you can't say, "Can't some things stay the same?" Let me tell you oh selfish one, your wish will not be your command. In fact, the opposite will happen and will always happen. Change is the standard and the normal. Start adapting to it. And you want it too!

When I was in grad school, a faculty member told us that we would have 5-7 careers and maybe as many as 18 jobs during our lifetime that would not be able to predict! That has already happened to me. Today it is more volatile and change is more swift and comprehensive. In other words, if you are not changing you will be changed.

Hanging on to what you have is a nice theory. But if the stuff, ideas and even people you are coveting are evolving and morphing, then you have to stop and smell the change. Stability is a nostalgic moment that we can admire and use to model the next stability and so on. But Miss Stability is a fleeting femme fatale that has no intention of marrying you.

One of the financial institutions has a great ad: NO Risk or KNOW Risk. Clearly, you need to have a cup of coffee with your risks and get to know them, meaning your life's goals. The clock is ticking and regrets are piling up. As I said, the greatest risk is WE lose YOUR dreams.

Thanks for reading John.

 

Sell Yourself

I was on a career panel this week with Tim Harris Executive VP of the Lakers. We were presenting to a bunch of students at UCLA who want to know what they are going to do with their Sociology degrees. Tim and I were both Sociology majors.

Sociology, like a lot of social science or liberal arts educations truly enables graduates to do whatever they want to do. And we discussed these virtues. These are hollow words to those who expected a clear career decision to come out of their classes (including those nagging parents). Those with educations understand well that an undergrad degree is the platform, the foundation on which a career is built. But I digress....

Tim and I tried to share some thoughts, and suggestions about life after the degree and how to approach the choices and chances ahead.

Tim did something brilliant. He asked, "How many of you want to go into sales, cold calling, and marketing a product?" Predictably, there was an awkward pause and one hand shot up and another one sheepishly raised her hand halfway. Then Tim, said, "You all have to go into sales and cold call, because that is what you have to do to get a job!" He went on to say that marketing oneself is your number one product and if you can't do that you won't be successful. You could feel the regret rush into the room. The regret of not answering the question correctly. But also the regret of being ill-prepared to "sell" oneself.

We know that there is a big difference between passive marketing and selling. When supply exceeds demand you have to separate yourself by actively pursuing the opportunities. Waiting for a response or hoping you get one is plain ole lazy and ineffective.

Real selling and marketing require  great messaging, preparation, networking, research, and courage---fearlessness. Many younger job/career seekers think the job search is a video game. Apply online, fill out apps, send e-mails. They avoid human contact and the effort it takes to talk to people, to get feedback and help. Surprise! The interview requires you to log off and literally face your future!

The basic elements of your sales strategy:

1. Your job and career goals. What are your targeted industries, employers, and missions without regard to job openings? Where do you want to work?
2. A great resume and cover letter. Is your resume ready for primetime?
3. A confident story about who you are and where you are going.
4. A kitchen cabinet, your personal board of directors or advisors. Who is mentoring and or guiding you on a regular basis?

Real sales people develop relationships. They do their homework. They research their prospects to see if and how there is a fit. They talk to people at all levels to get a read on the company and in this case the potential supervisor. They even mystery shop these employers to see how the company does things. And they get referred by influential and trusted colleagues so the candidate gets the attention in the screening process,  a shot at an interview and gets hired.

The most effective selling starts way before the job search and lasts well after. Keeping your brand fresh and in demand is critical. Makes your selling during a job search so much easier.

In truth, there is little if any cold calling--that is contacting total strangers for jobs. Yes your interview may be with "strangers" but the process of getting the interview is alot more warm calling. Engaging your network in your search, referrals, references, and insights will be invaluable. Getting people you know to help you.

Yes, there are always those who over sell and take things to the extreme.  Like anything, use your judgment and discretion on how aggressive you want to be. But the vast majority of candidates are under sold, under marketed, and the employer is under-whelmed.

This is Tim's point. Of course you need to have the gumption and guts to sell yourself, but you have to be smart about your approach. Selling isn't just about the ASK. It is about the the preparation for the ASK--your preparation and preparing the employer for your candidacy.

If you really want a job or to work at a particular place, you have to differentiate your candidacy from the masses. We assume you have the skills and competencies. But how will you differentiate yourself? Your passion. Your knowledge of the position and company--most people don't do any homework. Who refers you and your references-- who you know and who knows you. Outside validation is comforting to the employer. All of this has to be part of your sales package and approach.

If you aren't willing to sell by putting in the effort and time, then don't bother applying. Those that sell will shine and those who think that their specialness will ooze out of their online app or resume have a rude awakening.

Tim Harris is absloutely correct. Prepare and psych yourself up to sell! Push yourself to embrace the  part of your job search that gets you out from behind the computer. Selling will increase your chances that new doors will open and opportunities will present themselves.

 Thanks for reading. John

Networking by the Boards

When I was much younger, I got the good advice to get on a few boards--non-profit and for profit--advisory and fiduciary. I naively thought it was difficult to get on boards and further that it was some type of honor. Of course there are a select number of boards that are highly coveted, but the vast majority are accessible to the qualified and the connected.

I also made the mistake of thinking that well known people were recruited on to many boards to help the organization. I learned that many of those well known people are also intentionally building even more robust networks.

Networks snow balls. The more you do the bigger and better they become.

I ask most people I meet. "What boards are you on?" It is a wonderful conversation starter and anyone who has ambitions and a vision for their community is on a board or three. I am not saying that only board members are the ones changing the world or doing work of substance. But it is very telling about what they are doing with their lives, where their priorities may lie, and to whom they are connected. My point here is board members get connected and those connections multiply. And when warm close knit connections increase, then opportunities get amplified. It is very basic networking.

People who are working together closely, who see themselves as peers, will help one another.

I estimate that 50% of the opportunities I have been given have come through my current and past board memberships. That makes it possible for me to stay on my 8 week interview diet!

Board members recruit their colleagues for other boards. This is even more true on for-profit boards. People want people with experience that they trust.

If you think a board is the way to increase your sales prospects, you are sadly mistaken. I have been on and staffed board members who are solely mercenary --only interested in their commissions. These are the worst board members.

The work of the cause, org, or company must come first. You have to show up (literally and figuratively) and become fully engaged. Your brand on the board is about your work on the board. Your great reputation and resume got you to the table, but they are meaningless potential until you deliver for the org. Yes then and only then, will opportunities for business and career follow. And your board work will enhance your resume and the cycle continues.

Find organizations you admire, deeply care about and support. That is your starting point. Among these groups you need to shop for the boards that are the most compatible with you and your life and goals. You may have to work your way up through committees or volunteering. Not always a bad thing to experience the organization from a different perspective. Test the organization before you are in charge of running it! You probably will need to be nominated--you can rarely just apply directly. There is usually a formal nominating process that will take months and in some instances years. Like all things in life you must be patient. There is no instant gratification here.

• What do you have to offer a board? Do you have the time? Are you willing to raise money and give money? Do you have other skills, talents, and experience you will offer?
• What orgs do you want to help define/direct and make more successful? Make a list of your highest priorities.
• Who do you know on those Boards or people that know those people? Get introduced to have informational interviews to explore what the organization's status and culture. What skills, background, and perspectives does the org need?

Be prepared for the democracy of a board. The balance between staff and board for control and direction. A majority of the members not pulling their weight. And the dilution of your ideas and suggestions.

But in the end, being on a board will deepen your understanding of the realities of running an org, especially a non-profit. What it takes to solve complex and intractable problems. You will be shoulder to shoulder with a new network of fascinating people who will broaden your network and your view of the world. And opportunities will follow.

If you say, "I am too busy to be on a Board." We all know the best people to ask to serve are the busy ones. Who wants to recruit someone who is idle? ;) Maybe you are not busy enough!!

Thanks for reading. John

 

Next Level Networking

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there. -- Mickey Friedman

Assess your current network and your mentors. Is it/are they good enough? Adding to and enhancing these resources is imperative. Never settle or get too settled with them. Is your network smarter than you?

No need to dump anyone. Upgrade by adding with a view to the next level.

Surround yourself with smarter and more successful people. Always play with better golfers and tennis players. Always hire people who have more potential or even experience than you do.

Hang around people who know different things and people.

Connect with the next level. The next level you envision for yourself. People who are "ahead" of you in skill, knowledge, confidence and/or career. What are their secrets? How did they get there? And what is it like to be there? Do you even want to be at that level?

When you stretch you will appreciate what you have to offer and that you are better than you think. But left to the devices of self loathing and doubt you will never know.

I have learned this a thousand times. To hang with people who are further along the path than me. It pulls me and pushes me. More often than not I learn I already have what it takes to be at the next level. And other times I see my gaps in their gory details. Either way it is an education on the path I desire.

Don't get me wrong I do not categorize and measure levels. I just know what I don't know. I know when I am reaching my level of incompetence. I know people who are smarter than me. Being around them gets me to ask better questions, hear about sources of knowledge, and talk about things that matter. There is always a next level.

To be mature is to seek assistance.

So every time I have parachuted into a new field, I ask as many people who I think know --"who are the top 5 leaders in this work I should meet? And who are the 5 I should avoid?" And everyone has a list. Everyone gives me names. Then I call up these first 5 and say "everyone" has recommended I meet you. And the person says like who? And then I tell them, they are impressed and often a little embarrassed. And I connect to the next level with confidence.

To understand where you are going, talk to people who are going that way.

Who are the top 5 teachers, salespeople, executive directors, managers, fundraisers, CFOs in your field or in the field you covet?

Who are people that are more advanced in your other interests, better golfers, better chefs, more expert wine enthusiasts, better parents, better travelers.....

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

Join organizations, boards and clubs that have members who are next level.

So find people you think are further along your path. People who can teach you and stretch you. Not intimidating people who have rank and title, but people who will unwittingly or willingly show you the next level.

 Thanks for reading. John

Purpose Driven Networking--Search Me

As the new year unfolds, I always get a flurry of requests for help. People get focused on their needs and wants and reach out. I try to help. Yet people think that I have THE ANSWER. Regrettably, it  is never that simple. Looking for a job, considering a return to school, contemplating a career shift, or finding a soul mate--all have one thing in common. What do you want? What would be meaningful to you? And therefore Who are you? What is your purpose?

I sometimes get treated like a Google search box. Put in your Boolean search phrase and get millions of options in 1 second. It don't work that way! The Kobara search box asks you the questions! By the way this is called mentoring. Some people call it a Jewish conversation--you know when a question is answered with a question :)

But poorly thought out questions always deserve a question. Quality questions get quality answers.

The questions I pose in paragraph one above are often met with disappointment. The look, body language, and inflection I get in return tells me they just wanted me to give them the answer. And I know the answer is within them.

You have greatness within you.   Les Brown

Here are a few inquiries I have had in the first week of this new year.

Like to volunteer for a non-profit in LA.  What organizations would you recommend? --Cold voice mail received from a friend of a friend

Huh? I'd like to go fishing in the ocean, what bait should I use? Yikes. Of course this simple, and I mean in all ways, question triggers a thousand questions. There are more than 30,000 non-profit orgs in LA, after you eliminate the churches, hospitals and schools.! We can not get away with using Rose Parade Themes to define our journeys! Our questions have to be driven by our hearts and our passions, read PURPOSE.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I realized I should have been more specific. --LilyTomlin

More queries:

I am applying to grad school, do you think having more volunteer experience will help?

 I want to meet new people to date, the online thing is not working for me. What should I do?

Here's the deal. When you pursue things you care about, good things happen for your career, your educational options and your love life. Not only do you gain more experience, and your social network grows in substantive ways, but you become more attractive. What do I mean? How interesting are people who have jobs they don't like or don't care about? We are drawn to people who are doing things they love. There is an infectious energy. They become a magnet for more opportunities.

The opposite never works. Do things to impress others or that look good to say a grad school or a potential mate.

Where is the purpose in your life? What is your greatness? Pursue it!

Don't be confused. I am not saying that you have to be passionate about your day job. Be nice but not a requirement. I am saying connect with an issue, cause, through a non-profit organization.  Not a popular or a trendy one. One that speaks to your possibilities as Eric Saperston says. One that makes your heart beat faster and makes you feel good. Something that resonates with your soul.

It has to be personal. Your pursuit of your goodness will attract good things.

The answers to these questions lie within you. It is not so much what you will do next, but why.

I am always looking for the why in these questions I get. How is their pursuit of happiness driven by who they are---their purpose. Lead and network with purpose, instead of ambiguity and generality. Very different to test, connect to, explore your purpose than to go though motions in the hope of finding one.

Of course, while the answers are deeply personal, you can not do it alone. That's why connecting with others to get feedback and direction on the purposes and passions that swirl within you is so important. Yes and the hard and fulfilling work is to let them guide you.

Google yourself. Search within. Nurture your purpose. Engage and test that purpose through volunteering. Then your mentoring and networking will introduce you to a spectacular world of answers and opportunities.

Thanks for reading. John

 

Turn Regrets Into Resolutions

We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.  T. S. Eliot

We can not start a new year and just hope that it will be different. We have to know it for the first time. We have to think about where we are and where we came from. Who we are and who we want to be. We must own our actions, inactions and our reactions. We must take responsibility for all of our achievements both regretted and celebrated. All are worthy of our attention to gain insight into what we need to do.

A big mistake is to forget the things you regret from the previous year. We all all want to avoid regrets, but stuff happens or didn't happen. So as we make our annual promises to excercise more and eat less, let's also take a quick inventory of what we regretted from 2011. Regrets are opportunities for reflection and enlightenment. 

Regrets are sins of commission and omission. They are an essential component of our humanity. If we do not have the emotional and intellectual capacity to think about what we did or did not do, then we are socio-paths with no compass. We regret because we feel.  To regret is human.

The most helpful way to experience regret is to feel it deeply, get over it quickly and move on and use it to push you to new behaviors that are going to be helpful.       Dr. Neal Roese, Northwestern University

Always fascinated by people in job interviews who have no regrets, no failures, no weaknesses. It's not as suspicious, as it is telling of an emptiness. Our lives are filled with the good and the regretted. The only way we can improve is to be aware of our shortcomings ans our regrets. Awareness is always the first step. 

In a meta-analysis of many regret studies conducted by Neal Roese of Northwestern, here's what he found we regret most:

These studies were biased towards younger persons and students. Earlier this year, Roese surveyed adults from across the country and got these results

Romance, marriage and life partners topped the list, followed by family relationships and then education and career again.

What will I do differently in 2012 to push these regrets off my list? We know that doing the exact same thing you did last year is insufficient to address these areas of your life. Whichever you feel are important to you, need to go on the top of your 2012 resolutions list.

Relationships, education and career will always dominate your list. Relationships take great effort and time as they evolve and can not be neglected. Same for education and career. The world is changing and so must you, to stay fresh and sharp. These areas require your constant attention to continuously sustain them and improve. Ignore them at your peril. These regrets can turn into tumors if you give up. There are many sources of regret that have to be forgotten. Buyer's remorse, for example, is not worth your time--move on! And as you can see, financial decisions are not as important. But your primary human romantic and familial relationships are key to your life satisfaction. As well as your life's work and career.

Here's the intangible. Regrets of omission and inaction may be the most daunting because you do not know what those choices would have triggered. We know that each action generates a cascade of events and actions that can change your life. So hesitate less and go for it more. Take a chance. Feel the fear and be more decisive. Be first to connect and reconnect with people you care about or don't know yet. Mentor others. "Next time" rarely happens. Let life take you to uncharted waters and new territories. The only thing you may lose ----is a regret!

We need to learn to love the flawed imperfect things we create and forgive ourselves for creating them.  Regret does not remind us that we did badly, it reminds us that we know we can do better. --Kathryn Shulz

Happy New Year and thanks for reading. John

Let Your Inner Child Fly

The holidays bring back a flood of memories for me. I love being around kids who open up their Hanukah and Christmas gifts with reckless abandon and express real joy out loud.

Adults are obsolete children.  ~Dr. Seuss

Some people think I have never grown up. Okay a lot of people! But who is counting anyway?!!

More than anything I wish you more childishness, more foolishness, more fun and joy. We are so serious. We take ourselves way too seriously.

The grand metaphor of the metamorphosis. How the baby caterpillar develops into a cocoon and goes through the pain and suffering of the metamorphosis of pubescence and emerges as a beautiful high flying adult butterfly. This seemed correct until I heard a scientist describe the caterpillar as the one that was the adult--slow and wingless. A plodder limited by physical and mental capacities, afraid of then consequences. And the butterfly is the child who can fly, flit and explore, fearless and free.

Kids are always flying and adults are more often stuck out on a limb. Children are free of the self consciousness and adults suffer from looking good and being right. If we succumb to the inexorable decline of our freedom to create and be, then we become old and sedentary without regard to our chronological age. When risk aversity beats us into a locked step conformity with what is expected of us and we comply.

Neoteny is the retention of juvenile characteristics.  I like Joi Ito's take on it. Not talking about our obsession to LOOK young, I am talking about keeping the spirit of the child alive within us. The ability to play and to see the possibilities. To say and think things that speak to our possibilities and dreams. Relentless curiosity and free of what you fear others may think.

Remember the movie Big?

Play is important and necessary. All work and no play makes you a dull person!

I have a friend who won't play board games with his son because HE doesn't like board games. He is so hung up on getting him to grow up.

My childhood may be over, but that doesn't mean playtime is.  ~Ron Olson

We become progressively blind as we age. We see the world from our selfish and narrow perspective. A child sees so much that we can no longer see. They see the real things that exist between and amongst the things we create and impose on the world. They see the colors, and hear the sounds.

Ask kids what they want, besides a material thing. The answer will stun you. They have not been burdened with all of the reasons they can not or should not do things. Their imaginations are fertile and unfettered.

Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.  ~Pablo Picasso

Our kids grow up too fast and they lose their sense of play and fun. We need to enjoy and let go of all of the ridiculous expectations we impose on ourselves and others. We need to have fun by experimenting and exploring. Kids take chances by doing foolish things where they express themselves freely and naturally. They are vulnerable and open to what happens.

We need to laugh more--at ourselves--and less at others.

Not going to ignore my responsibilities as a parent, a citizen, or an adult, but I want to fly more like a butterfly and crawl less like a caterpillar. How about you?

How do we do this?

Take a chill pill.  Relax. Everything is not a federal issue that requires a no prisoners approach. Remain urgent about your goals but enjoy what is happening to you and what you are doing.

Value fun and play around us. Schedule time to play that you look forward to--a hobby, games with others, and just discovering an unscheduled time for fun.

Hang out with kids. Kids, young people, or just people younger than you, will give you energy and perspective. They will also teach you things if you are present! If you pay attention they will mentor YOU!

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. ----Benjamin Button

Thanks for reading. John

Ready for your Big Shift?

Can you feel the shifts going on in the world? Can you predict the shifts that will happen in your life? As a Southwest flight attendant said, "Be careful when opening the overhead bins, because.... shift happens. "One thing is certain,  change is underway and will continue. Some will surprise us. Some are predictable.

But are we preparing for the next shift in our lives?

Interviewed Marc Freedman last week for LiveTalksLA. Marc is the founder of Civic Ventures and the Purpose Prize. He has been working tirelessly to engage "older" Americans in meaningful work and to help us as a society see that value in those contributions.

His book the Big Shift is about the demographic and economic change of how Boomers will become an enormous untapped resource when they retire. That's right the 78 million American Boomers are beginning to turn 65. And most developed countries will see their populations turn grey by mid century. Hallmark sold 85,000 birthday cards for 100 year olds last year in the US!

We all are witnessing our parents living longer, many of whom are unprepared for the time they have on their hands. People planning their retirements in their sixties, not realizing that they will be retired longer than they have worked. Still others going through massive disruption in their lives through the recession forcing them to consider radically new career paths.

Marc's book is a treatise on the size and scope of this change and the great need to understand it and harness it. It is a great read. Filled with anecdotes, research and humor. It is not a how-to shift. It is what we need to do as a country to utilize the great talent, wisdom, and creativity of this growing population. But after you read it you think about how unprepared we are for all of the shifts that are occuring to us.

He discusses our obsession with youth which us gives us disdain for age and the elderly. He says we have to understand that fifty is NOT the new thirty but the NEW fifty!

The questions he raises are thought provoking and should give every reader pause, no matter how old he/she is. In fact, I believe that shift prep is applicable to everyone. We all have to think about "retirement", but we also all have to think about the next unpredictable chapter.

The future is already here-- it just isn't evenly distributed.  --William Gibson

We can delude ourselves into preparing for retirement by thinking almost solely about the financial aspects. After all, if we have money the rest will follow. Wrong! Like most things we don't think it through. Most of us have envisioned  a Norman Rockwell retirement, where we live in leisure and pursue our hobbies.

Back at the beginning of the 20th century when we were lucky to live to 50 and that was an attractive goal. But Freedman argues we can not afford to waste the talent and expertise of the Boomers to shuffleboard and Leisure World.

While many Americans who "retire", continue to work and engage in civic life, many do not. They search for meaning again like they were new undergrads who can't declare a major.

As in any change or new chapter, good questions will guide our choices? Here is a sampling of the questions we must ask ourselves to find fulfilling and impactful opportunities in our lives today and as we prepare to "retire".

1. How do we live a legacy in addition to leaving one?
2. How do I take risks at this stage in my life?
3. How can I live a life with greater significance?
4. How can I continue to make a difference?

Regardless of the age and stage you are in, there are numerous opportunities to work, volunteer, and contribute to the causes, issues and organizations you care about. If you are a few years from retirement or decades from it, you have to find things that are much bigger than hobbies. You need activities that allow you to invest yourself to improve the world, community or neighborhood. Retirement is another life chapter, like all chapters will depend on your preparation and how you listen to your heart.

If you don't stand for something, then you will fall for anything. ---anonymous

Shift happens and is happening. The more your life is defined by ideas and issues, the more durable your life will be to shifts. The more you procrastinate the pursuit of your passions the harder shifts are. And the most foolish mindset is ---"I'll wait until then."

Thanks for shifting. John 

Losing our minds by getting stuck

As we get older we tell jokes about "still being upright", or "nice to be seen" or "still breathng".

We know the moment we can't move is when we are dead. We all know about that many sharks have to swim to breathe and live. Humans stop moving and their spirit can die.  Our ability to see ourselves evolve, adapt, learn, and engage is essential to living and to life.

I meet zombies all of the time. Lifelike forms who go through the motions. They are usually good people who do no harm but lack purpose and deeper fulfillment. Many of them have given up on the future. Life is what happens and they make the best of that. Getting by and getting through the day, week, month.....is the objective. All of the obstacles, shortcomings, and challenges have beaten them into a corner of settling for "what it is". It is sad when you see this in a boomer but depressing when you see it in a 27 year old!

I am obsessed by understanding how people untangle themselves from their own web of self-imposed constraints. We all lose so much energy, talent, and ultimate creativity in our society because of this malady.

Daniel Pink studies what motivates us in his terrific book, Drive. He said that we all need Autonomy, Mastery and Purpose to keep us motivated and moving.

Po Bronson who chronicled his interviews with almost 1000 successful people in his book, What should I do with my life? He found that all obstacles in people's lives were surmountable. That with very exceptions they were excuses.

Sharks teach us much about the life giving forces of "movement". The need to keep active,  open,  and curious about what lies ahead. Moving to connect to people and ideas. The need to renew one's spirit and goals by forging ahead.

Sea squirts, of all creatures, teach us something fascinating about human behavior. Sea quirts are these simple opaque tube-like tunicates or urochordates that have been swimming in the oceans since the Jurassic era. They swim in schools and like sharks filter water through their bodies to live and survive. But sea squirts do something bizarre, oh so it would seem. They find a place to attach themselves as a group. They then proceed to digest their own brain and nervous system because they will no longer need them! Now attached to a rock or coral, they can survive by merely filtering water without thinking (not that the sea squirts were solving algebra equations or having deep thoughts!)

Does this sound familiar? It does to me. Once attached to a comfortable place, way of thinking, surrounded by others who are almost identical, the need for a brain and new thoughts are rendered obsolete. I know and have met permanent and temporary sea squirt humans! People who settle. People who give up. Non-profit board members who eat their brains once the meeting commences. People who are so stuck in their ways, their assumptions, habits, and their networks----part of them dies. Their spirit and energy about change and the future goes into a deep sleep. Their minds are not engaged or necessary!

For the sea squirt, eating your brain et al is an irreversible act. Hope you like the rock selected because that will be your final resting place! But for us humanoids, we still have brains and can choose to keep moving our lives forward. Whether you are 40 or 60 you have a lot more to give and live for. Certainly if you are 27 or 37, you can not be stuck yet. 

Are you a sea squirt? Have you lost your mind because you are stuck? Have you settled into your piece of coral and decided that this is all that life can be?!

One thing I have seen is that the network, the school you swim with, can hold you back. Maybe its time you evaluated the people around you. Maybe you are holding yourself back. Maybe you need a different perspective. Maybe you need different priorities. Maybe more connection to your values and loved ones.

You are not done yet. You still have a bunch of ideas about the future, your future, your family's future, your community's future. We need you to move. Don't eat your brain. :)

As you can see a sea squirt can be quite beautiful. But as we all know, true beauty lies within and we can not allow that beauty and potential to wither because we are anchored to an immobile rock.

Thanks for reading. John

Wonder, Wander and Speak to your Dream

Had the opportunity to hear Eric Saperston speak the other day. He was a breath of fresh and inspiring air. He is a free spirit who went on a quest to discover the secret of success. All of this was the focus of a documentary film call The Journey. Eric is such a cool and down to earth guy who walks the talk.

 

He literally followed this Chinese proverb:

To know the road ahead ask those coming back.

Here's the essence I gleaned from his talk.

1. Live a Life of Wonder---Seek experiences, people that test your limits that make you think, that define your dreams. Live in awe by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Find and then pursue the "what" you want to do.
2. Live an Open Life---Do you have the courage and confidence to ask for help? To know when you don't know and seek assistance. Eric says too many people think they can "fake it til the make it." He met John Portman, a famous architect, on his journey. Mr Portman said, "An open life is yours if you have the courage to ask for help."
3. Speak your Possibility---Clearly articulate the "what". Your dream, your goals, your aspirations. Talk about what you want and engage others in your quest. Ask for help, advice, for role models. Tell your story and where it is going.

Succinct and relevant words to live by. Can't be successful doing just one or two of these. You need all three.

Eric learned and confirmed that total strangers would share with you great truths. The fact is many people will share their truths with you--if you ask. I remember when I shared the stage with Jack Canter of Chicken Soup fame. He discussed the lessons he learned from pro-athletes, movie stars, and famous leaders. Yes, well-known persons have very compelling points of view. But I argued that day that the "average" people I knew had equally if not more powerful words of wisdom. That the people you interact with on a daily basis are the real stars and will give you more value and mentorship than a far away icon. As a society, we place too much value on celebrity, but I digress...

The people you know or have access to have amazing insights and secrets they would love to share with you if they had the opportunity. They can help you understand how to get you on a path that has more fulfillment, reward and meaning. Find them.

Once you realize what you don't know, you seek help. And if you ask for help, you will learn, progress, and get closer to your goals. But you gotta ask.

Most people say they are team players and that they collaborate well. But most do not know how to engage others to learn. Knowing who to ask, I have found is the biggest key to success and effective leadership. The old Jersey joke, "I know a guy who knows a guy....." Find people who know what you don't know.

Driven by wonder, you wander. You look for advice and answers and encounter the awe. And because you live an open life, your journey to seek help gets shifts and changes. And you can arrive at destinations you never planned.

We adopt a lifestyle of mentoring and networking and "speak our possibility," and seek the possibilities of others. We encounter others on our journey that we help and they help us. This is a life that defines the dream.

Thanks for reading. John

 

Don't take a holiday during the holidays

Taking a break from networking during the holidays is so dumb. I understand that people get overwhelmed with events, gatherings, obligations and shopping! But the best time to look for a job, make connections, reconnect, and strengthen EXISTING relationships is during the holidays. Why? Because, you will see, be with, and be around lots of people. People who you care about and who care about you.

 

Isn't that awkward? To mix business and pleasure?

 

You gotta be kidding. Still think the world works in distinctly separate worlds of personal and professional? Wake up and smell the egg nog!

 

The collision between the personal and professional is where new opportunities and ideas are generated. Make the most out of it.

 

After WHAT you know it is WHO you know. And WHO you help.

 

Networking is the process of connecting and conversing. It is not just getting the stuff or the job. It is the wonderful process of discovering things through others. It is the rewarding process of helping others. It is not just the tunnel vision stalking for a specific goal. Yes, you have very specific goals or needs, and networking helps you pursue them, but it also leads to the unintended and unanticipated. Getting desired results by accident---that's serendipity!

 

Yes I know you are busy and this is a busy season.

 

If you want something done ask a busy person. The more things you do, the more things you can do.  Lucille Ball

  

Busy times are the best times for things to happen. But don't get so busy with the chores that you miss the chances --the chances to connect. Don't rush past the reasons you are so busy.

 

For example, holiday cards are a nice way to reconnect--assuming you write something in them! I find it almost laughable that people send a card with their pre-printed name and nothing else. No photo, not letter, nothing personal. Like an unsmiling face that says in a monotone voice, "Nice to meet you." In my opinion that informationless card tells me I am just part of the masses--another undifferentiated recipient of a bulk mailing. I think some catalogues can be warmer and fuzzier. :)

 

I have oft quoted the BYU marketing study where nearly 600 people were sent Xmas cards at random from the Chicago telephone book--the next year more than 20% sent cards back to a person they never met! That's how personal holiday cards can be! That's how robotic we are!

 

So if we choose to build our network with cardboard using impersonal holiday cards, not getting out to visit people, avoiding personal conversations and contact, then your network will be flimsy and weak.

 

Some people think of their network as an attic full of memories and previously useful things. They rustle through the "boxes" of these forgotten contacts when they need something.  Your network is not just a Rolodex of names, a lengthy list of friends on FB or even a collection of business cards. It is an organism, a living thing that needs nurturing and care.

 

This holiday season, make a special point to connect, engage and listen. Reconnect with people you like and care about. Even if it has been a long time. Make a personal effort to communicate and lend a hand.

• Write a personal note and suggest you get together
• Deliver a gift or card in person
• Go to that extra holiday event to reconnect with old friends and meet new people
• Host an event or two and invite some close and or new friends over.
• Enjoy the holidays with others

So instead of resting I am saying do a little more. Get a little uncomfortable and push yourself to have more holiday presence. --Not more stressed but more connected.

The holidays are an extraordinary time to advance your goals and the goals of others. Don't take time off and don't say you are too busy.

 

The holidays are not a time to isolate yourself, but rather an excuse to deepen our sense of community and connection.

 

Thanks for reading. John

Do yourself a favor, say YES!

As we approach another week of turkey and thankfulness, we pause to reflect on the time, challenges and blessings we all have had. It is a wonderful time to be with family and appreciate what we have.

 

How do we directly convey our appreciation to those who deserve it? People in our present, people from our past? People who help us routinely and people who set you on the right path? But is saying "thanks" enough? Well, it is a very important start.

 

If you are truly grateful, repay them with an offer of unconditional support. How can I help YOU? Make an unsolicited offer to do them a favor. I do believe that reciprocity is the most powerful form of exchange. Ask people how you can help them. I am not talking about a well maintained ledger of give and get. I am suggesting that you need to repay what you have received with an act of generosity. Make sense?

 

Here's the lesson: People said "Yes" to you. They agreed to help you, guide you, and get you what you needed. Without their willingness to say YES, you would not be where you are.

 

For many years one of my many new year's resolutions was to " to say "NO" more often, to decline "opportunities" and favors, so I could focus on "priorities". It was one of my early career efforts to be more focused on time management. I naively thought I could and should control what happened to me. That the word "NO" would protect me from bad things that would undermine my grand plan and my mission. Once I learned that the only thing I controlled was my ignorance, I was free. So I abandoned it as a goal when I realized, what a negative thought it is. Saying YES is good. Being open and positive is so much more important to me than the alternative.

 

It is a a universal truth that you attract to your life what you give time, attention and focus--positive and negative. Say YES to the positive!

 

The word YES has helped me experience the flow of life that comes my way. It opened my eyes, my heart and my mind to new ideas, people, careers, and opportunities. Most important, it helped me become stronger and better as a person!

 

In writing this, a friend shared this link with me. Sasha Dichter of Acumen Fund conducted an experiment of just saying YES for 30 days--the generosity experiment.

 

Warning: for you literalists, I am not talking about hedonism, your unhealthful habits or illegal activity. :) Talking about helping each other.

 

If you talk to my assistants over the years, certainly my wife, they will concur that my inclination to say YES and agree to things can seem random and overwhelming.

 

I sometimes get used and abused--that is a risk. Some say I am a sucker, others generous. I never regret it.

 

Saying YES, and agreeing to do people favors is the currency of karmic capitalists. You learn that the more you say YES the more you get. What goes around comes around and usually it is a quick trip! Not driven by material gains or things, but experiences, new people, perspective, self awareness, getting out of your comfort zone and most important feeling good about who you are! Doing good begets good.

  

Saying YES becomes a frame of mind. And we all know that to change the game we have to change the frame!

 

So easy to say NO! 

 

One of the first words our kids learn after "Dada", is "NO". Why? because we say it so often. 

 

The YES philosophy has many consequences. It takes some time and effort to fulfill and deliver on your favors you say YES to. But the upside and return to you is 10x the "cost". Say YES to:

• Meeting with people to discuss ideas
• References
• Job searches
• Informational interviews
• Resume reviews

Try to avoid the delusion that saying NO is more disciplined and focused as I once did. Try saying YES often if not all of the time. And your heart, your mind, and your soul will gain energy, rhythm, understanding and satisfaction.  

 

Express your gratitude by doing others favors. Do yourself a favor, say YES!

 

Thanks for reading. John

Innocence of the Bystander

Witnesses to tragedies, crimes, and unethical behavior are never innocent. They are changed by what they see even if they avert their eyes, minds, and consciences. Seeing and hearing bad things alters you, especially if you don't do something to stop, mitigate or report the event or behavior. Each time we "allow" something to pass as acceptable when we are offended, makes us a little more tolerant of such things. Over time a little callous can start to build up on our heart and our moral compass and we let more things pass without intervention. Initially we ask ourselves, "Should I have done something?"  or "What else could I have done?" Later, we can rationalize, "Maybe its me." "I don't want to be the only one who complains."

Psychologists have tried to explain this phenomena:

1. The diffusion of responsibility: a bystander assumes that someone else has or will take action.
2. Pluralistic Ignorance: an individual looks around the group and because no one is doing anything to help, they assume that no one else perceives there to be an issue

In other words, "someone ELSE will or should do something."

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."  Mother Teresa

The Penn State allegations remind us all about our duties as a bystander. No one has been found guilty but heads are rolling. People allegedly saw horrific things and nothing was done. Children may have been seriously harmed. (the average pedophile molests 100-200 children, so the 8 victims may be the tip of the iceberg) An entire community will suffer and a university will be tarnished for years because of the inaction of a few. All in the name of football. Schoolroom teachers and medical personnel are obligated to report abuse if the suspect it. Military academies and other educational institutions uphold a code of ethics where if you witness cheating, you are a cheater--unless you come forward. We will not lie, steal, or cheat, nor tolerate among us anyone who does. And not coming forward can be grounds for dismissal. But coaches, executives, priests, and others can view themselves as above the law.

Selfishness and self preservation prevent us from taking chances, from making changes, and from ruffling feathers/rocking the boat. When we place ourselves above the welfare of others, that's when the conflict occurs. It is a survival instinct. However, when that instinct interferes with the rationalization of crimes, especially crimes that physically harm others--children--all innocence is lost!

What would it take for you to step in and get involved? What level of harm, potential harm, suspected harm will make you act?

Tattle tales, snitches, stool pigeons have always been vilified. Upholding the honor amongst thieves seems to be a powerful moral prophylactic. But this is not about just whistle blowing, this about how we act upon our human instinct to assist an other.

As Americans we think that we are the most generous people on earth. We are quick to judge other cultures, China most recently, who appear less sensitive or even do things we find violating our sense of decency. Regrettably, we Americans do not have a corner on the market of "Thy Neighbor's Keeper." While we invented Neighborhood Watch, the Welcome Wagon and even foundation philanthropy, Penn State is an example that we are not always responsive or respectful of the needs of others.

I love these Liberty Mutual ads. The idea that we should help strangers. That helping others is contagious and sets off a chain reaction of good deeds. One thing is certain, when you see good being done it creates a model of behavior. Everyone wants to help others. Seeing is believing. That is the power of role modeling and mentoring.

After the children who may have been injured, the assasination of the moral example and leadership of Penn State coaches and executives may be the second biggest victim on the Happy Valley campus. When leaders and mentors fall from grace, who or what fills that void? Communities of all sizes and shapes thrive when they have mentors and role models. In Malcolm Gladwell's Tipping Point, he discusses the studies that have shown that a community stabilizes when it has 5% of its population as role models. Just 5%. The point is, you don't need nor will you ever have everyone as role models. But without them the community de-stabilizes and deteriorates. What happens when some of our top role models fall from grace? Will this void increase or decrease people's desire to help one another and get involved to right wrongs?  

Everyday we are bystanders to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our innocence will be determined by what we do and how we role model the treatment of others by standing up for what is right and just.

Thanks for reading. John