SWiVELtime

The Arrogance of Sympathy

We are trying and struggling to find out how each other are doing. Asking "How are you?" is a loaded question today.

First we know everyone is dealing with the deadly contagions of COVID and Systemic Racism--in addition to life's amazing challenges. In our minds we are kind and caring. But our words, our questions, our auto-helpfulness say something else. We leap to assumptions. We judge so fast. We craft something to say before we feel anything. We have no idea what others are feeling and experiencing. 

Philo said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." A battle you cannot fully understand.

True leadership is being humble enough to accept the mystery of not knowing another.

The Japanese have a beautiful phrase to express sympathy:  sabishi so  Loosely translated means--"there is loneliness, for we have all lost something..."

Sympathy can be arrogant and even offensive. Empathy is being fully present and WITH them. It is not about you and it is not a time to fix things. And by the way, time does not heal! Time may provide perspective, gratitude, and humility. And compassion is the mutuality of the suffering.

So slow down, listen non-judgmentally. Take a breath and be present. And see and feel what others say. And we will close the gap of our shared humanity. 

Ask: How are you today? And then silently listen with your heart. 

Thanks for reading. John

If I had the time........

The truth is you have been telling yourself for a long time--"When I have the time........" Time free from the outrageous and incessant barrage of work and email that trample our personal and professional priorities every second. We crave a calm respite from the stress of chasing life, attacking the inbox, and just getting through the jungle of choices. Time when we can listen to our hearts, not just our heart beat. To envision and plan for our next horizon of time. To align our values with our actions. To quiet our impulses and transaction oriented mind, to evaluate our current life portfolio-how it reflects what we want and who we want to be.

But John, I am so worried about my health, the well-being of others, my investments, my job, the state of the world....Take a breath. What can you control at this moment? As in every moment--Only your thoughts, your actions. Everything else contributes a new layer of debilitating anxiety to the stack you already have. Right now, a huge avalanche of time and space has been dropped on your head. What are you going to do. Fill it with social media, cable news, binge more shows--wait for things to settle down---really?!!! Say procrastination with me! This is the silver lining gift that beckons your full and undivided attention. How do we take this unique moment that can be consumed by fear and dire predictions and turn it into a defining moment that clarifies who you are and where you are going? How do we use this time to embark on an enjoyable time of self-discovery and self-actualization?

So it is: the life we receive is not short but we make it so; we are not ill provided but use what we have wastefully. Seneca

Here's a few ideas for you to integrate into your quarantine gap time:

Schedule time everyday for self-reflection and contemplating the questions that are orbiting your mind. Thinking about and defining your life path is a job. So schedule time everyday to focus on these efforts. Not multi-tasking time, dedicated time that builds a commitment. Resist being busy for this time and think, dream, and let your mind wander.

Write down your thoughts, questions and ambitions/dreams. Try to be non-judgmental. You will have plenty of time to make everything achievable and practical. Just start writing--free form. Write what comes out of you. But write! This is not time for immediate actions such as looking for a new job, researching a degree program...but time to review your resume, to write down life goals, to do a SWOT analysis on yourself. Write your story--what drives you, where you have been and where you are headed. Not the space to make new year's resolutions about diet and exercise. Use precise words to express what you mean and want--delicious words. This is time to breathe, write, think, breathe, write, plan, and write.

• The essence of this is to wrestle with the questions: What do you want? What's missing from your current life portfolio? How will you change it for the better?
• Use my SWiVEL doc of questions to get your engines going. Write what's on your mind. Stuff that you think about all of the time, that you want to do, from start-ups, to creative urges, new careers, new avocations, to doing good.
• Make a list of these un-pursued priorities and what initial steps you might take to explore them. This may include a bundle of new existential and pragmatic questions.

Research, explore, and learn about your new priorities. This is the time to fire up Google and follow your questions and ideas that emerge from your reflection and writing. What are the resources available to aid your quest? Make a list of people, authors, podcasts, books, websites that resonate with you--for future exploration. Take notes to refine your priorities. Sample questions:

• How can I succinctly describe my new career interest and the jobs I want within it? What companies are the leaders in this field?
• What are the next steps to advance your start-up idea? And what is the state of that sector/industry?
• How can you re-engage in your love of the arts? Or take that piano lesson.? Online.
• What organizations are doing the good that you want to affiliate with? Are you ready to volunteer?

Connect and re-connect with sources, mentors, and networks. More than any time, you can reach out and connect. You have more time and flexibility. People are available and anxious to talk. Catch up with people you value. Get introduced to people, the orgs, ideas, and interests you have identified through the above steps. The reason this section is last, is you need to be prepared to answer the questions people will inevitably ask. "How is your job?" "How long will you stay there?" "What's new?" perhaps even "How can I help you?" With your initial reflections, questions and writings, you have some things to trot out and put into the universe. And to strengthen the interdependent network of humanity--listen to the needs of others and offer your assistance.

To offset the stress and uncertainty of these times, invest in the most interesting project---YOU! Take the controls of the plane instead of sitting in the back with your seat belt fastened hoping for the best.

Don't waste this time. It is a gift. Instead of generating more uncertainty and negativity, re-energize yourself by making this a defining moment to connect to what and who is important to you.

Years from now people will ask, "What did you do during the Corona Virus?"

 

The Fire Right Now

The following remarks were delivered at The Roast of John E. Kobara in front of 350 of my eclectic friends and colleagues at the Palace Theater in Los Angeles on February 19, 2020. The event raised more than $200,000 for LA nonprofits. The title was inspired by James Baldwin. 

Thanks to the FOKU (Friends of Kobara United) for organizing and underwriting this craziness

Fred Ali, Wendy Garen, Antonia Hernandez, my UCLA mafia: Rob Ettinger (his wife Jane), Peter Taylor and Craig Ehrlich and the FOKU chair Alan Arkatov.

Thanks to the entire cast who made this roast possible, my assistant Jason Boone.

And to all of the speakers—not enough time to rebut, refute or respond to the numerous allegations made tonite.

My family--please stand they have made the greatest sacrifice of all--enduring me, loving me, and the time they gave me to be with YOU. Bobby, Malia, Jenna, David, and my partner of 35 years, Sarah. 

I am standing here filled with gratitude for all of the sacrifices that have been made for me and for all us to be here.

I feel very fortunate to have been in Philanthropy these last 12 years.

Photo taken by: Stephanie Tran

Suddenly I was so much better looking and funnier……

Felt like an attractive tall well-endowed blonde (get it endowed)--with very very large grants.     I would tell people--Look up here at my eyes, at my face and quit staring at my grants!!!

Let’s take a quick stroll down from the philanthropic penthouse to the ground floor of ground truth.

People have been calling, e-mailing me. What is happening? You are not retiring! Tell me the truth! Why are you leaving this great job?

I have been meeting with the parole board for years and they have declined my requests. But this year they approved my release! I am free! I am no longer institutionalized!

Some of you know I battled epilepsy for 10 years when I was young, got me interested in neuroscience. I met with the leading neuro scientists, including Dr. Phelps who performed the first hemispherectomy. I explored the plasticity of the brain—why and how people use more of their brain, get off the neural pathways, live longer and avoid dementia. They told me the key was “playing out of bounds”. Playing out of bounds is out of the box, out of your comfort zone thinking and living. And what I learned was out of bounds is so much bigger!

I am ready to play OUT OF BOUNDS, full time!!!

And why a roast John? Philanthropy just enhances privilege. I have been honored, feted, and awarded without merit. I wanted the roasting I deserved. To turn up the flames of humility. To acknowledge our imperfections, especially mine.

I have tried with great inconsistency and great flaws to live a life of commitment and service and compassion and morality.

Please forgive me if I did not listen to you. Forgive me for taking your time and not giving you enough. Forgive me for laughing at you. For what I said or did not say. Forgive me for not giving you a grant or giving you one you did not deserve.

For I have tried to be a philanthropic arsonist.  Trying to light fires. Annoying little fires. To create some light and some heat. Burn some things down and warm some things up. To help us assemble our kindling our logs and our sparks of energy to light up our purpose, our reason for being. And hopefully to see the interconnectedness, the amazing inter-dependency of everything, of all of us. For we are just molecules and atoms bouncing off each other---in a beautiful fiery dance of life, of continuous change, in pursuit of harmony.

Tonite's roast is brought to you by a new drug:

Introducing PHIL-AN-THRO-PY!

Philanthropy makes you feel good about yourself for extended periods of time, it counters that malaise of uncertainty, anxiety and stress that raise doubts and anxiousness about your goodness. Side effects include taking random jobs that give you the false impression of helping others. Flashes of false empathy and even heart palpitations that mimic compassion. Dizziness and the vertigo of self-importance. Restless strategy syndrome caused by knee jerk reactions to personal experiences. The self-delusion that money alone will solve problems. Other side effects include the elimination of guilt, increased blindness deafness, and dangerous levels of ego obesity. Philanthropy has not been approved by the FDA because it is just a placebo.

Philanthropy IS a very privileged place. And privilege is a function of the awareness of privilege. We are privileged. What have we done, what will we do, with OUR privileged lives?

No matter our point of view, what side we sit on, we agree that the status quo is unacceptable. The suffering around us is intolerable. Philanthropy will never be enough.  We need to change systems, policies, and budgets. We have to become advocates and activists. That is the only way to restore hope, equity, and opportunity. This is an All-In MOMENT. To use everything we have at our disposal. Our moral, spiritual, emotional, intellectual leadership, and yes our money.

For choice IS the enemy of commitment. We have to commit.

Commitment is the biggest human challenge. Full unconditional commitment to ourselves, to others, to our relationships, to our work--to truly becoming who we are and need to be -our best selves. What is our plan to become better humans? Not just skilled humans who are competent and content, but aware of our purpose, passion and potential.

Sometimes we have to see the end to appreciate the present. We are just temporary stewards. Time is limited, and we must do what we can, where we are. NOW.

We are just footprints in the sand, sources of energy that hopefully influence other footsteps, generating more energy and ripples of change to bend that arc towards justice…. Change is inexorable and inevitable. It seems to come at inconvenient times. The truth is nature abhors a vacuum. And things adjust quickly, and the void is easily filled.

Legacy is a shadow. Immortality a facade.

Yet, we all just want to be remembered

Remember that Asian guy nice guy yeah he was at the California … the California Foundation, no the California Endowment. Yeah nice guy who thought he was funny, there was that roast, remember, Yeah Joe no Jim Kob, Koba Yeah Jim Kobayashi.....Good guy

The truth is I will never forget you. 

We have been on this amazing journey together. Some of you have been part of the caravan and some of you have been at these incredible destinations where we worked together, cried together, cared together. You showed me so much kindness you laughed at my jokes you laughed at me and made me a better human. Isn’t that the goal? Helping each other become who we need to be. This journey is not about jobs or careers not about money or wealth. It is about the connection of souls who rise above self-interest to make a dent in the universe to relieve the suffering. It is an accumulation of love, brutal truths, joyfulness, broken hearts and gut hurting laughter, that slaps us upside our heads and kicks our asses to awaken our souls and open our eyes and hearts to what is real and essential.

This roasting eulogy is a living moment for all of us to take inventory. To reflect on where we are in our journeys to become better humans.

Wherever you are right now is perfect. But time is not your ally. Now is the time when the conversation you continue to have with yourself has to get real.

Even now you are making promises to yourself you will never keep

That’s why you need one of these: (Hold up KICK MY ASS)

The Kick My Ass-Do It Yourself Ass Kicking Kit.

You need this.  A gift I made for you. Pick one up when you leave.

Seeing our true reflection, really seeing it, is the greatest reality check. The most powerful point of friction with our hypocrisy. The friction of the truth within us and the lives we lead. That friction can wear us down, exhaust our capacity to hope. It is that same friction that can opens our eyes and hearts and sparks ideas and energy. It is that friction that can build a small fire that becomes a blaze of light to show you the way.

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light, the astonishing fire of your own being. Hafiz 

Thank you for making me feel welcomed here, that I belong. For giving me your attention and talent. I have tried to be helpful--to put your needs above mine. To put the needs of the community above ours. Thank you for forgiving my faults and appreciating my intentions

Thank you for roasting me tonight. To light a fire under me. And perhaps reignite the fire within us.

For me, philanthropy begs the question: How do we comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable? How do we reinvigorate our sense of compassion? Because sympathy is arrogant, and empathy is always insufficient. How do we reinvigorate our compassion? For compassion comes from the root, passio or pati, which means “to suffer.” How do we suffer with others? How do we suffer together?

We live in such a profane world of broken promises and dreams. Of untapped and wasted human potential. Unnecessary suffering. And the layers of embedded racism and colonialism that we still have to reconcile and rectify. And yet in the face of what seems impossible odds there are energizing signs of change and hope, where justice and equity can get a foot hold. And we see the prize, and we keep fighting.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Jiddu Krishnamurti

James Baldwin: I know that what I am asking is impossible. But in our time, as in every time, the impossible is the least that one can demand — and one is, after all, emboldened by the spectacle of human history in general, and American Negro history in particular, for it testifies to nothing less than the perpetual achievement of the impossible.

Here's to the history we are still learning, to the history we are living and mostly to the history we are yet to make!

Yeah yeah, I have been freed from the institution and retiring to play out of bounds, but I will never retire from the fight and the work.

While my philanthropic aura is fading….

And I am shorter of stature, my endowment sags, my attractiveness wanes, I have a lot more snow on the rooftop--but still a fire in the belly!

It is my time to move on. One must recognize that time before others do. Cede things to the next gen--- to you, the newer and perhaps younger stewards to keep the flame stoked, burning hot and burning brightly.

To continue doing the impossible.

Love you all. Thank you.

The Year for a Leap?

The new year is just another year. A year of possibilities and opportunities. A year to reconcile our direction with our souls. A year to make promises to oneself to get better, healthier and more at peace with oneself. It is a moment of the year we let ourselves wonder about what might happen--even dream--before the burden of tasks, expectations, doubts and distractions submerge our brief stint in the clouds. Try to linger and relish a longer moment to envision who you are and what you want. Think less about productivity, your weaknesses, and material things. Focus more on your strengths, aligning your values with your life, doing less harm and growing your compassionate altruism. Instead of losing weight promise yourself to gain more stillness, aloneness, and serenity to be more present in the days ahead.

Getting comfortable with your limits creates new limits. Pushing the proverbial envelope. Tiptoeing to the edge is where you see the next horizon. Listening to the whispers from your heart teaches you where you are supposed to be--what the universe intends for you to do. Staying in the center of your comfort is the easy place, the no- action, no-risk zone. We are never fully happy here, we always dream of the courage to take a chance on loving, on living, on making a change. We will never pass this way again. We can only procrastinate so long. We attempt to avoid regrets or plans we will not pursue, we stumble into the darkness. Time stands still. We need inspiration from within. Your pulse only quickens at the edge of something, closer to and into your fear--your fear of failure and fulfillment. Your heart awakens and you feel alive when you approach what is important or new. All that is left is to surrender and leap into what’s next.

Why will this year be any different? For you and the things YOU control.

Austin Kleon

The inexorable clock strikes 12 again and change will come --desired and unwanted. There are always surprises. The whole of it is what we get and ideally we embrace it. It can also bring greater self awareness of what is important or not. And to these developments we must surrender. For the micro and macro evaporation of beliefs, ideologies, and certainties that hold us back is the grandest part of an open mind and heart. Where change flourishes. So you say you want change with your mouth, but does your mind really want things to stop changing? Conflict. Aaaah the fertile ground for change---but who’s?

What in life is calling you when all the noise is silenced

the meetings adjourned

the lists laid aside

the wild iris blooms by itself in the dark forest

what still pulls on your soul?

Rumi

2020 is a leap year. A new decade, an election year—but what will YOU change? What's stopping you? Where will you leap?

I wish you the courage to achieve more meaning and purpose in the year ahead.

Thanks for reading. John

Are You A Sushi Bigot?

In our effort to be efficient, we categorize things, lump them together and make sweeping assumptions. Call it stereotyping, call it confirmation bias. We generalize and intentionally or unintentionally--the result is the same--obscure nuances, differences, and essential facts about reality, about people and communities. Nothing is more irritating about how our culture refers to "Asians". Perhaps the most "othered" racial group. It is a rare instance when we are even mentioned in a poll, study, or legislative measure. Surprising, when there are 50% more Asians in LA than African Americans. The largest population of poor in NY City is Asian. That there are more Korean and Cambodian elderly without access to healthcare than any other racial/ethnic group in LA. Using these broad categories masks the enormous diversity within the diversity. "Homelessness", "People of Color", "Latinx" and "LGBTQ" are continents of populations that require understanding to even begin addressing the complex facets and microcosms of inequity and human suffering. More than anything CERTAINTY is our enemy. Propelled by a lack of curiosity and humility. An unwillingness to admit what we don't know. Words matter. Words reflect our thinking and then our actions. Doing the work of educating ourselves and others about the layers of diversity and of the needs within monolithic populations matters more. Disaggregating data to understand commonalities and real stark differences is not pursued often enough in academia and the halls of public policy makers. It is our individual laziness and reflexive speed to generalize that puts us in bubbles of ignorance. I know we understand this intellectually, but we have to audit ourselves and others--not as political correctness police but to open our beginner's minds and pursue the path of understanding each other.

I met a young woman for lunch who wanted to discuss "career stuff". We were walking from my office and I asked her to tell me about herself. She launched into a truly engaging story of her family's poverty, her strongly held views on inequality, racism and the need for opportunity for people of color. It was a beautifully articulated set of values. She was emotional and I got emotional too. I learned a lot about her in a few minutes.

I said, "Where do you want to eat?"

She quickly replied, "Anything but seafood."

"All seafood, shellfish? So you don't eat sushi?", I queried.

She said, "No seafood and no sushi--because all sushi is seafood."

My face dropped and I was aghast. I launched into a what I call a rantifesto. It was admittedly a bit theatrical.

"Are you a sushi bigot? Sounds like you are othering sushi. You seem to know everything about this innocent cuisine and yet your ignorance shows how prejudicial you are," I exclaimed.

She was taken aback. "What do you mean? Are you serious right now?, she timidly queried.

"You seem to be so certain about an entire group of food that you have no experience with. Isn't that true?", as I raised my voice slightly. "You know that sushi does not mean raw fish or even seafood? Sushi is diverse. You know there are a number of sushi that are made without seafood, right?"

"C'mon that's not true," she pleaded.

"I need you to open your mind and heart to the possibility that you are wrong that you do not know what you are talking about," I counter pleaded.

She nodded.

I started to list sushi made without fish--"Inarizushi, musubi, kappamaki, makisushi, tamago, nigiri....."

She held up her hand, "Is this true, really. I had no idea?", she wondered aloud. "Would you take me to have sushi like that sometime?"

The clouds parted and the light briefly danced off the downtown skyline. Certainty was obliterated for a brief moment. I nodded. "Sure love to.", I said with a wry smile.

Food for thought. ;) Thanks for reading. John

Gotta call my digital parole officer

The digital leash grows stronger and shorter. We are now accustomed to seeing our fellow humans looking at a screen ignoring the world and the humanity around them. I am as guilty as any but to be honest it still unnerves me. I was conducting a workshop for recently released prisoners who are in an entrepreneurs program through defy ventures One of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of service I have the privilege of doing.

The other night all of the participants were newly released and were wearing ankle bracelets. As we were engaged in a robust and invigorating conversation about life and business development, one of the bracelets starting beeping and vibrating loudly and the owner quickly rose and announced, “Sorry I gotta call my parole officer.” And someone responded, “That beep means you need to recharge the battery!” We all laughed.

We all jump with Pavlovian zeal when our devices beep or vibrate. We all have “parole officers”! (and batteries that die) Our devices will dictate our reality unless we keep perspective and a foot outside of our cell (phone)😉

Take breaks from your devices and smell the roses, write a poem, or go for a walk just to remind yourself that you have a shred of free will left. 

Thanks for reading. John

So you want more growth in your next job

This is one of this phrases I hear ad nauseam. In interviews, in my classes, and workshops. It has become part of a hollow script of job seekers and career changers. Young and old utter this phrase as part of their quest for a better job. Who seeks a position with no growth?! Young people use “growth” as upward mobility or career path. Others imply professional development. What do these meaningless words convey? Do you ever hear anyone say I like gravity?🙂 Since everyone has ambitions, would like more challenges, and a accelerated progressive compensation path--how does this differentiate you?

Recently interviewed a dozen people for an entry level spot and 3 of them asked me in the first minute “what is the potential for growth”? Are you kidding me? I literally said to one candidate, "So we just met on a blind date and you want to know if we might live together?!" C'mon, just saying "growth" is a cop out, possibly a smoke screen that says something about your judgment--your current/former employer did not want to invest in you or a realization that you did not know how to select a job for this magical "growth" thing. Always leads me to my next questions: "How have you grown in your current/last position as a professional and as a person?" And "What are the ways you want to grow professionally and personally in the next few years?" And "How do you see this job you are applying for enhancing your specific growth plans?" Then I just sit back and listen, but not for long because I usually hear the sweet chirps of crickets.

So easy to look at the next and ignore the now. Yeah, what's after this job, this relationship, this opportunity in front of me? Of course, it is assumes that I will manage this well, so let's jump over the present and plan out the future. Basic common sense should prevent us from mouthing such meaningless words. Yet they tumble from the lips. Lot of talk about mindfulness. Being fully engaged in what is in front of us. But these phrases are mindlessness.

Don Nathanson, a famous ad executive, mentored me by saying, "Always try to place yourself in a growing company in a growing industry?" I followed that advice in the 18 jobs I have occupied. Why not explore the job you want fully. Is the organization growing? Is the industry or sector growing? How is the prospective employer doing relative to its peers/competitors? How does the organization assist the growth of its top performing employees (see what I did here?)

No one place will meet all of your needs. Your "growth" will be driven by YOU and your portfolio of passions, personal development and side hustles. Be nice if you could be given a little map with a ladder of steps that you could follow without any risks of change. Wake up! That does not exist. First of all you will change. Second the organization will change. Third the market will change. The real question is are you adaptable? Really capable of unlearning and learning. Of evolving? That is what the employer is looking for. You ask for a certain growth plan and the employer wants someone who will help the organization grow with uncertainty.

Put your little selfish little feet into the interviewers' shoes for a moment before you say something out loud that destroys your narrative, your opportunity and your chances to even get in the door.

Thanks for reading. John

If You Want To Make the World A Better Place

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and then make a change!  Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror

As mentors we know the power of the mirror for self-reflection and the great influence of holding up the mirror to our mentees. Nothing more truthful and compelling as reality to hold us accountable.

Most times we don't see ourselves in the mirror. We are so comfortable. But we know things have to change. That the status quo is unacceptable. That things could be better, have to be better. There is this gnawing sense that there is something missing. Something special and substantial. Nikki Giovanni, You know, we’re better than we think, but we’re not as good as we could be.

Are we making a difference? Is this it? Are we on the right path? We ignore what we see and defer our dreams. we drift, we muddle, we let time pass and hope things will work out. No difference between the pessimist who says there is nothing we can do and the optimist who says everything will be alright. We become complicit in the status quo as we wait. We get distracted by the hedonistic treadmill of immediate gratification and meaningless materialism.

Why do we buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like? David Ramsey

We live in a very crazy volatile uncertain and complex world today where just keeping up is hard to do. I am behind on my bills and my dreams. Les Brown

Mentoring is a lifestyle of helping others by our practice by our principles by our actions. Yes formal mentoring programs are very effective, but mentoring how we learn to be and become is absorbed and emitted all the time. It is a lifestyle. People follow us we follow others. We are role models all the time. If we are aware and awake we get mentored and we mentor others gaining insight into untapped potential our purpose and the great genius we have within us.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond. Marianne Williamson

In the last year I have had the honor to work with many groups to help them unravel the mysteries of mentoring, meaningful work, purpose, passion and their dreams. From unemployed homeless, to elite grad students, from recently released felons to corporate executives, from zillionaire philanthropists to non-profit leaders. The differences are fascinating, the similarities are uncanny. Everyone is struggling to make sense of things. Lower the noise in their minds, the incessant doubt, the guilt, the regret, and the inability to describe what they want. To break through the domestication of conformity. To break through the expectations of others. To make room for their own dreams and tell the truth about what they want without being judged.

The greatest regret of hospice patients on their deathbeds I wish I would have had the courage to live a life that was true to myself not the life others expected of me.

We all tell lies about we are and what we are becoming. When there is less truth, we disconnect from one another. We disconnect from our calling. We can feel like a fraud or a failure. It becomes easier to fake it and NOT make it.

The centrifugal and centripetal forces of the world brings us together and rips us apart. We live in a world that has never been so connected and yet so lonely. A few years ago the number of suicides worldwide surpassed all deaths from homicide, war, terrorism and malnutrition--combined.

We are connected but so isolated and in so much pain. 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. Philo

We need each other. To help one another. To form kinship and community to have a sense of belonging. To pursue our authentic selves. That's why we mentor. Not because it is charitable. Or because it makes us feel good. Because we need to. It is what we were meant to do.

If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten, we belong to one another. Mother Teresa.

We have to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable? How do we reinvigorate our sense of compassion? Because sympathy is arrogant, and empathy is always insufficient. How do we reinvigorate our compassion? For compassion comes from the root, passio or pati, which means “to suffer.” How do we suffer with others? That’s what compassion means. How do we suffer together? That’s what real mentoring means.

We are all just atomic particles bouncing off one another. Energy, positive and negative forces, inseparable and infinitely connected. There is an illusion that mentoring is only helping others. Nothing could be further from the truth. We help ourselves when we mentor. We are all connected to our shared destiny. Our fates are intertwined.

We are not drops in the ocean we are the entire ocean in every drop. Rumi

Who is to say which drop in the ocean is more important or less important? Which molecule of air? Which atom of the rays of the sun?

The power of we. Together we are more powerful. We are not separate humans we are humanity.

When we are open to one another, when we embrace one another we become one another. I am because we are. I am what I am because of who we all are. Ubuntu

Everyday we have to look in the mirror and commit to being the best we can be and commit to being kinder  to one another. To ease the pain of others will ease our pain. Then we will understand the very essence of mentoring and compassion and why we are here. 

Thanks for reading. John

The preceding is an excerpt from my speech as the L. Patrick Mellon Mentoring Luncheon speaker in New York, New York on October 16, 2018

Nothing Uniform About this Man -- The touching story about a former priest turned fighter pilot then philanthropic advisor

This is story about my dear friend, Joe Lumarda, who reveals new personal truths for the first time. Truths that are relevant to the #metoo movement and the horrific unfolding of the latest scandals in the Catholic Church. It is also an amazing story about his life of change, adaptability, courage and family. More than ever we need to have faith in people, leaders, institutions and ourselves. It is so easy to be too cynical these days. Joe's story about his uniforms, his duties, and his values contain lessons for all of us. He gives us truth and hope in large doses. 

Joe is my predecessor at the California Community Foundation. He also was a Coro Fellow. We were having dinner the other nite and co-commiserating about the grand jury report revealing the brutal rapes and abuses in the Catholic Dioceses of Pennsylvania. I knew that Joe went through the seminary and wanted his view on solutions and remedies. As always, he gave me sober thoughts about truth and reconciliation and the need for a lay oversight commission. The next day he sent me this video of a private speech he gave to his co-workers. Ihad never heard the full story.  I was so moved by it, I asked if I could share it. He agreed. 

My hope is it provides you with inspiration to remain true to your values no matter what uniform you wear. 

 

Thanks for reading and watching. John

What if the words we say were delicious?

Words, how we choose them, if we choose them, are so critical to who we are and what we think. We say so many things, often words just are shot out of our mouths without our full consciousness. There is a premium put on speed of response and whatever is pre-loaded, pre-fabricated--not pre-meditated--sprays forth. Words fly out of our open pieholes unwittingly. We say things, important things, with no connection to heart or mind. Empty habits of sounds that we neither hear or feel just fly out of our face like an AK 47 strafing the air indiscriminately. 

 

Most of the time we are in our fog of life where we go through motions, say words, make decisions, and unwittingly set the courses of our lives. 

 

We fire off our cannons enamored with the booms but disinterested in the targets. 

 

We are what we say.

 

Sometimes we try to retrieve a flock of bats that escape the cave, flying in regret formation. We later say "I had to eat my words." Usually refers to the bitter taste of being wrong. Swallowing one's pride and gagging on the foul reflux of crow or the pungence of humble pie. 

  

What if the words we say were delicious? What if we curated words so that we consciously uttered tasty syllables? Words with fiber, complexity and real flavor. 

searchengineland.com

 

Of course this takes our full awareness. Just as in eating, when we rush and never really savor the food we love--when we chew and swallow in a hasty transactional fashion that make the chef cry.

 

I had a powerful conversation with Akuyoe Graham, the founder of Spirit Awakening. She is an award winning performer who has dedicated her life to helping at-risk youth. One of the many keys to her success and the success of her program is coaching these young people to tell their own stories well. To craft a narrative that authentically conveys their life arc. 

 

Akuyoe speaks with passion and she articulates, pronounces, enunciates her words so beautifully. I assumed it was her stage training, but I learned how centered she is--how connected to her heart her words are.

 

Her presence mentored me. It showed me how someone connected to the present looks and sounds. 

 

We were talking and she said, "John your words sound so delicious. I like it when you speak like that." I felt I was talking like I always talked. But she made me realize how important it was to pair my words with my feelings. To literally taste the words. To be in the words. It was noticeable to Akuyoe. She revealed a great truth to me. 

 

I am often more clued into people's eyes. They are windows into which I see connection, energy, and authenticity. But words are formed in the mind and are released into the air to breathe life into our ideas and identity.

 

For the last few years, I have been desperately and erratically tasting my words. To hear them and make notes of the accuracy and alignment with my intentions. I write more. Every day. To work on my words. To align my thoughts with my heart. To speak truth to myself and then to others. 

 

By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life.- Jean Baptiste Girard 

 

Like a more insightful Miller Light Ad: Taste great!. More fulfilling! (if you don't get it move on)

 

I listen better too. To the words being thrown my way. I watch to see if they taste what they are saying. It is so obvious--the facial expression, the curl of the lip, the eyes and the inflection. These non-verbals say so much about the genuine connection between the phonetical sound manipulations and the truth. 

 

I talk to many people about their plans, their "dreams", their destinations. Most of these people say words that are blander than melba toast. 

 

I asked a young executive going back to get her law degree, "What type of law will you pursue?" (the number 1 question she will be asked!) She said unhesitantly, "I am going into corporate law." I said, "Wow that is so non-specific."

 

I asked a new college grad what he plans on doing. He said, "I want to be a middle-man." My face scrunched into incredulity. He went on to tell me the man he plans to be in the middle of things. :)

 

I start off almost every new class I teach in grad school with this question: "Introduce yourself by telling me the lie you tell your parents about what you will do with this degree--the one that works." More than 1000 students have responded, none have protested.

 

What little lies are we repeating? How do our words taste when we talk about ourselves or the future? 

 

Words are small parts of the truth. They deceive and give certainty. All things are unknowable. The tip of an unfathomable iceberg. Hypnotized and numbed into believing the word---no job title, no phrase truly defines you.   Eckhart Tolle

 

One of my favorite examples: In response to the ever present American question:"What do you do?"

 

Often I hear: "I am just a___________." The words of feigned humility or low self-esteem. Both are deadly. 

 

 We use words that are safe, leave us room for error or escape, non-committal thoughts that give us options, politically correct, non-offensive words that say nothing. 

 

These words also disable the network of opportunity and connections to commonality. 

 

We are much more concerned about not offending or over impressing others than using words that impress us. So our priority is the taste of our audience not words that taste good. 

 

All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind. Kahlil Gibran 

 

Take those crumbs and let's make something delicious. 

 

Thanks for reading. John

 

 

Are you a potted plant looking for a garden?

All of us are lonely. All of us feel inadequate. Just part of the human pot. We yearn for more--fulfillment, use of our inner potential, and making some difference that matters. We desperately want to connect, grow and be accepted. Impress others. We deeply believe that our job will help define us and fill in the perceived and real gaps in our persona and life. But the other side of our brain or probably our hearts know that a job and a job title have little to do with who we truly are. We would rather answer the question, "What do you do?" than "Who are you?"

Like bad relationships and marriages it all starts with party manners, pretense, egos and looking good. You know, faking it til you make it. Putting on airs to project an image that you want not who we are. All of this comes crashing down in the end, because we can't be undercover agents forever. Time bombs start ticking until the "crises" of consciousness. The real WTF moment(s) of how we are spending/wasting our life. 

Is this all there is? Is this where I am supposed to be? 

We think of employment like dating. We try on a few jobs to seek a "permanent" partner. Then, like in many marriages, we settle for the best available or the best that will have you. Of course many of these unions work out and they can endure, but many more end in "divorce" initiated by either side. "Irreconcilable differences."

We get stuck and our energy, ambitions, and potential get root bound in a place that no longer nurtures us. We resign ourselves to wait it out for a time ahead where the pastures are greener, brighter and better. We hope someone/something will rescue us. The career/life mirage that remains mysteriously unreachable.

Was paired up with a woman on the golf course the other day. She was chatty so I listened intently and then we got to real life stuff. She said she wished she had a job like mine, but "I have to work for 10 more years before I can do what I want." Sound familiar? To me it sounds like a prisoner dreaming of her release. 

Maybe you are one of the people that owns the crystal ball that will tell you what is going to happen in a decade. Whether you will be healthy. Whether your employer or industry will even exist. In the current time warp, 10 years is impossible to visualize. Yet we defer our dreams.

Then our conversation went into a unexpected black hole of ambiguity, self-deception, and comic relief. 

I said, "What is it you want to do?" You would have thought I asked her about Astro Physics, the origin of life or her husband's relationship with his mother. After momentary shock she starting making up stuff. She talked about her kids, said the word"painting", was not sure if it was a verb or noun. Then, looking as if she found a golden ticket, she blurted out "gardening!" A smile flashed across her face. I said, "It seems like you love gardening." "I do!" she replied. 

"Tell me about this gardening you dream to do. Flowers, vegetables, herbs, succulents, bonsai........." She heard the words and realized she was in an intellectual cul de sac and she turned around in a hurry. "I only think I would garden an hour or so a week." (People say the craziest things to themselves and to strangers) "Oh! I said. "Why couldn't you do that now?", I queried. I smiled and added, "You probably spend more time watching golf on tv?" (hahaha, not) She defended her potted plant status told me how "busy" she was and implying how important she is--violating every Kobara rule! How quickly our true self seeks the safe darkness of silence.

We went back to our individual golf, far away from the light of authenticity, vulnerability and curiosity. 

Actions are the seed of fate, deeds grow into destiny. Harry S. Truman

If she loves gardening, there is no way she would do it for just an hour. Being outside in nature, the soil, the seeds, the time to contemplate life---the meditation that gardening is would transport her. She would start connecting to other gardeners and plants she never heard of. Her network and outlook would be transformed and energized. Does she really like gardening?

Check out what my friend the Gangsta Gardener, Ron Finley , has done with his garden and gardening. 

Doing what you love now, even in small dosages--planting seeds, is the path to your purpose. Your job/career is a vital part of your growth, self discovery and journey. Dig in deeper there. A single job will not fulfill all of your needs. Like a single relationship can never be enough to satisfy you. You need a multifaceted life that is driven by your interests, empathy, and questions--experiment and plant a diverse garden you like. 

But you have to act and do something in the now. 

Why not break out and start gardening today?

Thanks for reading. John

 

Commencing Our New Lives

As we watch another crop of new graduates turn their tassels and "commence", we have to consider our own commencements. What are we doing with what we have learned from living and from the world around us, that informs our life purpose? How have our hearts and minds been changing, but not our actions? How are we each graduating to a new and more authentic level of expressing our unique gifts? As we swim quickly though the rough waters of day to day routines, we ignore the water and the incredible freedom we have to change our strokes and explore new direction. How much are we letting other people's expectations hold us back from what we really want to try and do? 

I am a connoisseur of commencement speeches. I have witnessed and studied hundreds of them. Not an expert, but David Foster Wallace's brutal truths from his Kenyon College address still ranks #1 in my book. Just found this video that takes an excerpt of DFW's speech and provides outstanding graphics that help drive home the power of his words.

Please watch, listen, read the entire speech. It will alter your orbit and shift your frame of mind to question your own default settings and certainties.

We are all trying to graduate. Get to the next level. Only a few times will these milestones be accompanied by a diploma. Real life is a more powerful teacher than universities, if we pay attention to what we see and feel. There is no "means to an end". Avoid the age old trap of settling for the less meaningful present to build a fulfilling future. The means is the end. To think of the thing you are doing as the purposeful place to discover your purpose. To embrace where you are and do it with passion. Make now, the focus. Now is the best time to live. We have no choice. This next year, will be the best year and the best chance to become you. "Later" is a brick on the path to the Emerald City.

Congratulations graduates, that includes you!

Do we need a diploma and student debt to wake us up?

Stop, tread water. Look around. Notice how fortunate you are. Be grateful. Consider the shortness of time. There are no guarantees. Listen to your heart. The water is amazing. We are in an ocean of opportunity. Now what?

Thanks for reading. Now Commence! John

Resolution: Question Everything! How will 2018 be different?

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. —James Thurber  

Questions have been at the heart of the most life altering moments for me. Questions that stop you in your tracks and shift the way we see the world. These questions that dared me and scared me. 

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live differently?

What is your calling?

What would you say or do, if you knew you were dying? Why wait until then?

How much is enough?

What if you removed all of the expectations of others, who would you be?

Questions that assaulted my complacency and sleep walking. They punched me in the face and I punched back. I now dance with these question today. I don't dismiss them as irrelevant intrusions or unwelcome visitors on my well planned life. They humble me, keep me grounded, and guide me into the unknown. 

Life is about asking better questions. And given the time and the context, we need to question everything. No assumption when fully examined holds up. The status quo is unacceptable. 

But that means we have to stop the carousel of our "busy" lives to wonder about where we are going? To reflect on whether our actions are aligned with our ambitions. To evaluate the joy we have in our lives. Are we deferring joy?!!!!!!

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?       Mary Oliver

Each moment you think you figured everything out or what your future holds contains the seeds of your undoing. 

Questions take you on a journey. And like so many things the journey is the best part. 

I have the great privilege of helping different people wrestle with their personal and professional goals. I set a figurative and literal discussion table with some questions that provoke self expression. I am merely attempting to advance conversations. First, an internal thinking conversation within the individuals I address.  And then an external conversation between others. Expressing oneself out loud in front of others provides comfort, commiseration, connections and even community. "I am not alone." "I need help to figure this out." "There are ways to get unstuck." etc.  During the last few months I have led groups of undergrads, homeless adults, executives, community leaders, and recently released felons. The human needs override the unique circumstances and experiences they bring to the table. Differences matter, but at the core we struggle with the same things. With the same questions. 

What people think of as the moment of discovery is really the discovery of the question. - Jonas Salk

Through hundreds of sessions I have stirred up groups with these questions:

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What do I want?

Where am I going?

What difference will I make?

Of course some hesitate to tell the truth and others gush forth. Again the tension between what we say and what we mean emerges into the harsh light of scrutiny. I do not allow clarifications. Mean what you say and say what you mean! Because we all say things and talk without thinking. We are pretty inarticulate as a species when it comes to who we are and what we want. 

Some sample questions that emerged from these conversations:

How many friends would you have if they spoke to you the way you speak to yourself?

If you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with, how are you doing? 

If you compared your allocation of time and your priorities, how would it look? 

When is the right time to change my life/career?

When do you give up on your dream? 

Hard, if not impossible, to answer these questions by oneself. Isolation is the biggest challenge. A horrible recipe of wavering self confidence, relative success (others are better off or being behind expectations), perception of inadequate competence, obligation of previous choices (family, debt, etc) and the absence of time to consider the future.

Some people get caught up in versions of the happiness question. "What will make me happier?" 

Todd Kashdan, a psychology professor at George Mason University, reported a few years ago on studies that concluded that people who think being happy is important are more likely to become depressed: “Organizing your life around trying to become happier, making happiness the primary objective of life, gets in the way of actually becoming happy.”

Happiness is a brief state of being, so questions about happiness are only briefly relevant. 

Yeah, just asking questions changes our behavior. Again authentic curiosity drives us to connections with sources and people that enlarge our pov and our lives. But then we have to act on the answers we encounter. 

That's why I updated the Download SWiVEL doc 2018 with 16 questions for 2018. To help people confront these issues. To write down their responses to help them move forward.  

These questions are used in palliative care for older patients and were featured in the wonderful book by Atul Guwande, Being Mortal. 

1. What is your understanding of your current health or condition?

2. If your current condition worsens, what are your goals?

3. What are your fears?

4. Are there any tradeoffs you are willing to make or not?

And later,

 5. What would a good day be like?

We just don't understand what we don't ask. We operate on the fumes of assumptions, habits honed out of weakness and biased ideas that reinforce our status quo. We need to stop the car in a new community of questions and ask for directions. We need to get uncomfortable, break habits, confront assumptions, and listen to new sources. To open up new thoughts and destinations. Where are you going in 2018?

Renew your curiosity and let it propel you forward.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainier Maria Rilke

So don't dismiss the large and perplexing questions you cannot answer, allow yourself to grow into the answers. Learn to dance with the questions, they will teach you new steps.

Here's to great questions, a better journey and the courage to ask for help. 

Thanks for reading. John

PS: Please share the question that keeps you honest about your journey. The question that stops and make you think about where you are going. I will send you my latest publication: Life Interrupted and Inspired by Words. 

The battle between the scheduler and the Asian jester

Yeah I talk too much. I know. The more I talk the more I think people want to hear me. That is my delusion. I tell stories. I try to provide insights. I try to use humor to be disruptive. To make us have a knowing laugh where we laugh at ourselves for a moment. I have been giving speeches for decades--pretty much a once a week or so regimen. This unknown Asian guy has been in front of many audiences :) But one of the great curses of people who speak is the way we get asked to speak. The invitation is an honor. The idea that others may benefit from our words is a giant ego boost, no question. No the curse is how we are asked. "So and so (someone who was in an audience who you do not know) highly recommended you as a speaker. They said you were (insert adjectives). I was wondering if you were available" (a date that is not far off--triggering many un-askable questions like, "Did someone cancel? Why are you such a poor planner?" By some quirk you are free) I ask, "Tell me about this event. Who will attend, what is the theme, goals? What did you do last year?" To me essential questions. But to the scheduler (not talking about an "assistant" here-often someone with a title to impress me) really irritating. He just wants to confirm the jester request.

Shanghai International Arts Festival

But I want to know if I am a fit without sounding like an ungrateful jerk. So the battle with the scheduler continues. He says something like, "We really want someone to inspire everyone and make them feel good. Last year we had someone who was a big downer. So and so thought you were really funny." Yikes! Don't get me wrong I want to make people laugh, I try really hard to make that happen. But I do not ever want my takeaway to be, "He's funny." Maybe he made us think or he shifted our perspective. Another favorite: Can you do one of your "inspiration talks". "Inspiration" is one of those words! It is the Mona Lisa of adjectives! Inspire whom, why?!! Like an unfulfilling snack that masquerades as a feast. Never works. Again, I am really grateful to be asked to speak. Really. But the scheduler is a stubborn combatant. What I love is the puzzle of writing something unique that will neatly fit into the group's needs. It take effort and time. It is a brutally fun task of wrestling with words, phrases, timing and delivery. Part of the art of speaking that I thoroughly enjoy --when it is done :)

The scheduler thinks I have a drawer full of speeches for any occasion, for any event, for any group. (what it must be like for a comedian to be asked to tell a joke or make us laugh) True that we go back to the same mines to get nuggets that work, to engage new audiences. After hundreds of speeches you develop themes of humanity, concepts that create a space for reflection, stories that change the way people feel and possibly move some people to action. Then like a competent cook you try and blend these elements with some new ingredients to whip up the stream of words into a newish recipe that has an edge--hopefully a little kick. The scheduler has little appreciation for what it takes in the kitchen. They just want to know if you can serve up the dish! Being a "nice" speaker. And even a "funny" speaker can be a waste of everyone's time. Rather be a bad speaker with a good message. So I turn down speaking engagements where I am a poor fit. Or when the expectations are crazy. And where they want me to travel so far to be "funny" for a few minutes. But more often than not, the unknown Asian jester shows up to try and delight the audience and yes be a little funny too. The scheduler wants to complete his task--book the jester! And the jester just wants people to appreciate his craft. 

Thanks for reading. John

 

DIY open heart surgery

When I was 12 I was obsessed with the heart. Heart transplants. Artificial hearts. Michael DeBakey and Christiaan Barnard were my heroes. I was going to be a cardiologist. I surrounded myself with heart models and books. The idea of replacing someone's heart was so futuristic and mind boggling. But my less than stellar grades in science and math forced me onto a different career path. Yet my interest in the heart grew--the role of the heart both physically and metaphysically. I have always been drawn to people who are wholehearted in their lives. On the other hand, always wondered why some seem to ignore their hearts entirely. I developed a keen ability to hear people's hearts in their words, see people's hearts in their eyes, and sense people's hearts in their actions. 

I was paired up with a woman on the golf course and we got to chatting, that's why I love golf--you meet and get to know people. She started talking about her kids and how she and her husband wanted to help her children find happiness in the material world. "Find themselves amidst the clatter and clutter of societal expectations and the system of consumption." How to help them resist the peer pressures and even parental pressures to become people to enjoy life with less--with less than they have now? A very self-aware woman! And a pretty heavy conversation by hole #7! I rarely talk about the volatile topic of parenting and never with someone I just met. Most parents are talking about what their kids lack or are doing wrong. A focus on more. More education. More discipline. More serious. More like them! This mom wants to help her kids develop their hearts!

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched -- they must be felt with the heart.- Helen Keller

Later that week, I was invited to meet with a group of scholarship recipients. These were college students, grad students and even alumni. One of the most poignant moments was when a young man asked, "I got my MBA. I work for a prestigious bank. I have a promising career in finance. But increasingly, I feel disconnected with the purpose of our work. It lacks personal meaning for me. When and how do I re-think my career, when I have a very good well-paying job?" His heart was getting through the noise and appearance of "success" and he was listening!

Heart-driven conversations questioning the status quo. Their hearts are spilling out through their lips to a random stranger! Trying to resist the gravitational pull of conventional wisdom. 

These conversations are like verbal defibrillators for me! It gets me pumped up to talk to others about their truths. It helps me re-ignite my "plan", my assumptions and jolts my heart and the truths within.

"Recent work in the relatively new field of neurocardiology has firmly established that the heart is a sensory organ and an information encoding and processing center, with an extensive intrinsic nervous system that’s sufficiently sophisticated to qualify as a heart brain. Its circuitry enables it to learn, remember, and make functional decisions independent of the cranial brain. To everyone’s surprise, the findings have demonstrated that the heart’s intrinsic nervous system is a complex, self-organized system." Dr. Dominique Surel

Most of us could benefit from a little open-heart "surgery". Breaking our hearts open to guide our lives. Transplant our fear and doubt with courage. Call it a passion bypass!

As a youngster I wondered how many beats each heart had. Each heart has a finite number of beats. When it will stop no one knows. Expecting to live a specific amount of time, defies the reality around us. Today is the only time we can rely on. As parents, employers, mentors, partners, all we can do is create the conditions where this self-awareness can thrive. Where the heart builds an express lane to where courage resides in the brain.

And "courage" is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart."

A close friend was just offered a new job--a "better job". More prestige, more money, more authority. Logical for her to go for it. No brainer, right? But the brain cannot make all the decisions or we are doomed. She came to me for advice. I listened, trying hard not to judge her and not to "fix" her. I heard her inner conflict. Similar to the teacher who is asked to be an administrator. Or the the salesman to be the VP. I heard her talk about losing her connection to the clients, as an advocate of their needs. It was obvious this was a poor fit. But that's not my call. She texted me and wrote: "They are going to offer me the job, what should I do?" I wrote, "At this point, only your gut and heart know the answer. You have all of the facts. Trust yourself."

Your heart talks to you everyday. Are you listening? 

It is so easy to ignore the heart as an irrational and emotional voice of distraction. I have. I did. I still fight the tyranny of expectations. The overlord of optics. They are brutal and relentless bullies.

Takes courage to listen to your own goodness, and act on it. Pablo Casals

Practice open heart "surgery" on yourself :) Let your courage speak through your heart. Listen. Then follow the instructions. Failing to do this risks heart failure.

Thanks for reading. John

When do we (should we) get serious about the pursuit of joy?

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.  —Annie Dillard

The point here is that we all go through phases and cycles that determine our path, trajectory, and destination. Amidst the chaotic stretches where you feel like we have no control there are other moments of clarity, joy and  opportunity. Windows of time that give us the chance to make a change, shift gears, pivot—hopefully focus more on what we really want.

Age 26, according to the unscientific longitudinal Kobara study involving thousands of unsuspecting subjects, starts an 8 year time frame (until 34) where the brain starts to shift to serious things.

It all started some time ago…….

High school is a blur that is dominated by embryonic ideas of self and a confusing cocktail of peer pressure, parental expectations, promises and perfection. Angst over picking a college. The future is filled with questions and excitement.

Who am I?

College can be an awakening unless it was just an extension of high school Average college students change their major 2.5 times. Angst over a major that will connect to a career that cannot be predicted. New questions emerge.

What do I want?

Passion and purpose can be submerged to the realities of student loans and dental benefits.

Caring what others think can distract us from discovering ourselves, our purpose and our joy. 

"Psychologists and social scientists have found that there are two kinds of popularity: One type suggests people like us, they trust us, they want to spend time with us, they enjoy their time with us. That kind of popularity is really important — it gives us a benefit in life in so many domains, for decades, whether we experience it in childhood or as adults. The second type of popularity is the one we remember from high school, that refers to our status; it reflects our visibility, our influence, our power — our celebrity, in some ways. There’s research showing that type of popularity — status popularity — does not predict long term positive outcomes. In fact, it leads to despair, addiction, and relationship problems. But most people are still confusing the two types of popularity, and searching for the wrong one."  Mitch Prinstein, Popular: The Power of Likability In A Status-Obsessed World.

And we can get focused on, even worship things, things we believe will make us happy and or successful.

“....pretty much anything you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.” David Foster Wallace

Am I where I am supposed to be? Am I having fun?

According to the annual Freshman Survey (20 years ago+), the three top goals of first year students in college, in order of preference, are authority in their field (don't even have a major :), raise a family and being very well off financially. The survey reflects the responses of 1.5 million college students from every state. These results have been relatively consistent for 50 years.

That's why I found it fascinating that they did a follow-up study 10 years later when these former 200,000+ freshman were now 28ish. They were asked the same questions. So what were their top three goals now that they have a degree and a healthy dose of the real world?

1. Raise a family
2. Develop a meaningful philosophy of life
3. Become an expert in their field

Help others in difficulty was 4th and being very well off financially fell to 7th.

Develop a philosophy of life?!

Your heart has been giving you signals for a long time but you have muffled those messages by turning up the volume on your life distraction headsets.

You could have one of several "wake-up calls". The world around you starts to call out your name, you wonder how to become an agent of change.  You notice something entering or exiting your heart. A brush with death, yours or someone you love, a subtle or not so subtle connection with life's purpose. You get laid off, not promoted. Then the self-interrogator of life rises again with the blinding light of nerve wracking queries.

Is this all there is? What difference am I going to make? Where is my joy?

Graduate school? Graduate school again?

Marriage or kids or no kids? The initial formation of what I call "regret tumors" starts. Beginning with the abandonment of dreams or promises. Not malignant but ominous tumors.

Seeing the present for the first time instead of letting the next bulldoze the now. 

Most of you under-estimate yourself and doubt is your enemy.

A few of you over estimate yourself and arrogance is your enemy.

Both are necessary for success but you need more perspective, humility, grit and resilience.

Start re-booting your life--- a life that interweaves your passions and your goals. Start listening and trusting your heart. This is not easy, but it is rewarding.

What is meaningful to you? What gives you joy?

If you are over the age of 34, it is never too late. Your quest for greater fulfillment and your sense of contributing to something larger than you is growing within you. Time is fleeting.

Regrets age you. Regrets can kill you. Minimize regrets!

If your goal is to make meaning by trying to solve a big problem in innovative ways, you are more likely to make money than if you start with the goal of making money, in which case you will probably not make money or meaning.    Guy Kawasaki

The key is engaging others in your quest. In your journey. In your dreams. Getting help to pursue your ideas. Getting advice on what others have already learned and tried. Connect! Don't fall victim to the "do-it-yourself" trap. It never works! Listen to yourself! The you that jumps out of the passenger seat and takes over the steering wheel of your life! Start building a life that gives you joy!

So you are waiting for the right time. The confluence of great opportunity, financial security and a sign from the heavens.....

There is no right time, just right now!

Thanks for reading. John

NetworkSharing

Lot of discussion about how to meet people and the way you say hello. Yes all of the technique driven first impression stuff matters but where are you networking? All of us need practice at just getting out there more and introducing ourselves, talking less and listening more. Having more concise answers and pithy questions at the ready. But what if your ladder is leaning on the wrong wall, you are fishing in unlucky waters, or you are mingling where there are no movers or shakers. 

Here's the deal: Get out of your bubblicious world of contacts that are connected to what you already know. You have to get out of the strong tie interchange of comfortable social and professional networks and branch out to the weak tie world of new opportunities.  Note: See Granovetter research and my related post. 

Sure you can look at the job postings or respond to different parts of your Facebook feed, but you will be caught in your own gravitational orbit of familiarity.

We are all sitting on enormous networks we will never use or ever fully appreciate. Like all abundant resources we need to explore them and share them! It is crazy how much influence and power we are connected to. What if we opened up these contacts to others? Help others connect and then get connected. First rule of networking is always give first--to share.

Want a new job, meet new people? Get connected to the people you know and the people they know. On Linkedin it would be your 2nd and 3rd tier connections. Based on interests you get introduced to these connected worlds to learn about work, associations, hobbies, causes... You have a cup of coffee, join an online forum, attend an event through a weak tie connection. For example, you have a family member who is battling a disease, you want to learn about opera, you'd like to more involved with your identity (ethnic, gender, LBGT etc), you want to learn about self-driving cars. Personal stuff, random stuff that you are interested in. Ideally something you have promised yourself that you would pursue someday. Because fulfilling a little promise to yourself feels good! Or helping someone else connect feels great!

You start asking around who is connected with the Alzheimers Association, the Asian American Lawyers, Uber/Google/Tesla. You look deeper into your Linkedin account for such connections. You ask someone you know to share their contact or connection and be introduced and whamo you are off to the races. You have just traversed the weak tie superhighway to something new that you are interested in. The shared network handshake!

And your real handshake and your eye contact also need to be coordinated. Yes, your resume should be updated too. 

But more important you need your list of interests!! What's on your list? Note: When is the last time you SWiVELed? Download SWIVEL_new_2017

So the key to networking is who you are networking with--it's the network, stupid! 

Perhaps you will really learn about your interest and pursue more ways to get engaged with this interest and meet others who share this interest. But it is equally as likely that you may will be introduced to a new world of opportunities you never knew existed. Every new person will reveal something new, if you allow it. I did not say something amazing that rocks your world I said "new".  We need new perspectives on career, happiness, balance, meaning, and fulfillment. We need all the help we can get. This is where the listening and open mind parts are so vital. 

Meeting new people on the common ground of interest is interesting. It is not the bobbing and weaving to gain attention or be clever in the semi-dishonest dance of a cocktail reception. It is the sharing of curiosity and knowledge, and maybe even passion. 

And you know when you are asked to talk about something that you care about--you like it. Not a burden or a favor. It is always nice and even fun to meet people with common interests and share. 

You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want. Zig Ziglar

This type of networking opens your eyes and if you let it, your heart--to new people and ideas. 

I have a personal goal to do this once a week! Not unusual for me to do it twice a week. To have the joy of meeting new people with shared interests through referrals or to agree to make the connections for others. It has become a lifestyle of sharing connections. It is also how I rode the Goodyear Blimp, traveled to Cuba, played golf at St Andrews, got job offers, and moved into our current house--but those are stories for another time. 

Evaluate your network start  linking to the other worlds you don't know and sharing with new people you will get to know!

Thanks for reading. John

Random Acts of Progress and the Drunkard's Walk

We unfortunately seem to be unconsciously biased against those in society who come out on top or the bottom. When we assess the world, we tend to see what we expect to see. We can equate degree of success with degree of talent and reinforce our conclusions of causality by noting the correlation. The worst type of confirmation bias. The " I wish more people worked hard, as I have"--myopic self-deception. In reality there is often little difference in ability/talent between the "successful" and the "unsuccessful". The biggest difference is how randomness impacted the outcomes and opportunities. 

In Leonard Mlodinow's insightful book: The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives, he asserts how things that appear linear, cause and effect, and intentional, all the way down to the molecular level are random.

Whoa, I can feel I pushed your doubt buttons! Fair enough. But let me explain and allow some randomness to influence your thinking oh reader of great certainty ;)

The random motion of molecules in a fluid can be viewed as a metaphor for our own paths through life, and so it is worthwhile to take a little time to give Einstein’s work a closer look. According to the atomic picture, the fundamental motion of water molecules is chaotic. The molecules fly first this way, then that, moving in a straight line only until deflected by an encounter with one of their sisters. This type of path—in which at various points the direction changes randomly—is often called a drunkard’s walk, for reasons obvious to anyone who has ever enjoyed a few too many martinis (more sober mathematicians and scientists sometimes call it a random walk). If particles that float in a liquid are, as atomic theory predicts, constantly and randomly bombarded by the molecules of the liquid, one might expect them to jiggle this way and that owing to the collisions.

So many things we do are impacted by things we don't do and that sets us on a course--or a walk if you will. Things are always colliding with our direction and ideas and once in a while we see them or pay attention to them. We can take credit for these momentary and intermittent flashes of awareness. Our brains want to simplify the timeline so that we can take or give credit or issue blame.

Your place of birth, your parents, your health, your general DNA allocation was random. Even if you think that there was divine intervention or a pre-conceived destiny, there was a huge component of randomness that derived your 23 chromosomes. And all of the "decisions" you made or were made for you. 

What if I didn't accept my mentor's advice that led to a new career? Talked to that stranger who I married and have three kids with? Made that turn, or went to that event, or went on that date, or said yes, instead of no, or wore the red tie, or had Mexican instead of Italian...... Do you really know what would have could have happened? What we pay attention to makes a difference. 

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

What we do know is not everyone is born into the same randomness, contexts for chance, opportunities for choice. There is great inequity in the sets of randomness we inherit. We all know the story of the immigrant who overcomes obstacles to become a billionaire. Or a blind singer who becomes a record breaking star. And if we are not careful we believe that random opportunity is out there for every immigrant or disabled person. 

We know the randomness at Exeter is different than at East LA Community College. The different molecules that are bombarding off of you will create different drunkard's walks. 

I don't think you can be deliberate about shaping your course forward because you then end up somewhere completely stale and expected.  

I think a lot about this relationship between cynicism and hope. And critical thinking without hope is cynicism. But hope without critical thinking is naïveté. Maria Popova

So I try to reside between the two to try to build a bridge, because blaming others and feeling hopeless about changing our course generates a feeling of futility. Then cynicism rises up to provide a false sense of protection while our dreams evaporate. We can restore our hope and energy by moving forward even if we are stumbling and failing along the way. 

But on the other hand, believing blindly that everything will work out just fine also produces a kind of resignation because we have no motive to apply ourselves toward making things better. And I think in order to survive, both as individuals and as a civilization, but especially in order to thrive, we need to bridge critical thinking with hope."

What appears random or "lucky" was usually right in front of you. You know when you think of something and then it appears everywhere--not talking about Google's algorithms :) Or the so-called Law of Attraction. But it is true when you think and discuss your needs your bucket list, your dream job, yes things "appear"

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. Paolo Coelho

So two huge lessons I have learned. Help those with fewer choices and chances see the periphery, see the molecules around them, help them to allow life to happen and divert them from their unsatisfying pursuit of happiness.

Listen to your heart. Open your eyes. Let the paths that are there surround you and reveal themselves.

And for those with fewer chances and choices, those who are more bombarded by the molecules lower on Maslow's, help them have a better chance to see the molecules that are foreign and strange. Guide them to a space where they can see themselves. Where there is sufficiency of opportunity. Not a crutch but a helping hand to give them perspective.

Why? Because we need all of the talent we have to blossom. We desperately need more people to find what they want and to be less oppressed by what others expect. 

Randomness enables us to express things we did not know we had or wanted. Randomness awakens the genius in each of us. Randomness is the way of nature.

Not ignoring reality and responsibility, but being more aware of what interests us, taking chances, and eliminating regrets before they happen. 

The future is already here it just isn't evenly distributed. William Gibson

Life just appears before you. Choices, chances. Too often we try to take credit for what is and we forget how we got there. All of the advice, education, mistakes, mentoring, role models, and yes luck, should take a rear seat to our false and unfounded control over our destinies. 

Yes being focused helps immensely. Yes being planful is also very useful. But what are you missing while you plan? Is your plan and laser-like attention creating a myopia that ignores amazing opportunities or revelations.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Emerson

Random acts of kindness and progress. Allowing the molecules of randomness push us on our own drunkard's walk and discover new people and places. 

Judy Rupp's excerpt from Old maps don't work

It is time for the pilgrim in me
to travel in the dark,
to learn to read the stars
that shine in my soul.
I will walk deeper
into the dark of my night.
I will wait for the stars.
trust their guidance.
and let their light be enough for me.

 Thanks for reading. John

 

My Prayer for Us

Another story about networking and allowing life to happen. Late last year, I spoke to a non-profit group and afterwards a nice Asian American guy named Richard Cheung, told me he liked my speech. He asked if I could speak in Pasadena next year. I said what I always say, "Let's see if I am a fit and if we can work out the schedule." The Mayor of Pasadena Terry Tornek asked me to keynote the 44th annual Mayor's Prayer Breakfast on May 4, 2017--on the national day of prayer. They wanted an ecumenical speaker on the the subject of compassion. I know why me? Not sure why either! Richard is a very generous person and he chairs an amazing organization called Friends In Deed, which helps the most vulnerable people including the homeless. What convinced me was the breakfast was a benefit for Friends In Deed. And I was transported into another world.....Anyway here are my remarks I prepared and delivered to the 600+ assembled. 

 

I’d like to thank Richard Cheung and Friends In Deed for the extraordinary work they do, and thanks to Mayor Tornek for the invitation to be here, for your leadership, and vision for a better Pasadena. And thank you—all of you—for coming here today and spending your valuable time to be together; and to express our unity, connection to one another.

I’m here to be a little bit of a catalyst, a little bit of verbal caffeine, a little bit of a wake-up call, about things you already know, things that are already inside of you—things that we need to stir. My job today is just to shift your perspective a little bit, to consider again, how do we build a better community.

Isn’t it nice to just to stop and pause from the speed of life. And take a breath.     Let's breathe.

Breathe in the mountain and breathe out flowers.

I think about my family and want them to know how grateful I am for their love and support. Sarah, Jenna, Malia, Bobby. In preparing these remarks, I thought of my grandparents when they came to this country with nothing but dreams of a better life, arrived on boats to work on the railroad and to work on the farms in the San Joaquin valley; to pursue the American Dream. I think about my parents, Rod and Tomi Kobara, who both passed away in the last two years, living very full lives achieving the American Dream. And 75 years ago, this week in northern California, they were rounded up by the government—because of Executive Order 9066 that declared all Japanese residents of the United States to be enemy aliens—and 120,000 other JA citizens were put into concentration camps. They were deprived of all their possessions, rights and opportunities for almost four years. Ironically, they emerged out of that process with a stronger desire to prove that they were Americans, to provide a better opportunity for me and my siblings. I’m inspired by my family every day, and the great sacrifices all our ancestors made for us to be here.

Proud of which the Japanese American community bonded with the American Muslim community, since 911, to prevent such a shameful part of our history from repeating itself. Today, more than ever, we ALL need to be part of this effort.

I think about Young Sook Kim, my mother-in-law, whom I never met, who escaped from North Korea to go to South Korea when she was a teenager yearning for freedom. She started doing the wash and feeding GIs during the Korean War, and ultimately married one of those GIs. She came to the United States and had to learn the language and culture and got her bachelors, masters and her PhD in anthropology and became a college professor—she embodies the American Dream. Her life inspires me. She died at the age of 48. Her legacy was to afford her two children, and her three grandchildren she never met, a better chance.

That’s all any of us are asking for, is a chance. An opportunity. A fair chance, and when that chance exists we have hope, but when that chance doesn’t exist, we lose hope. And when we lose hope, we lose everything.

We’re all losing hope. We are surrounded by an ocean of suffering and it is  overwhelming. Each time we say: There’s only so much we can do--We lose hope. And we can think we are just drops in that ocean. We get used to it. The more comfortable we get, we become numb and disconnected from our fellow humans and our sense of humanity.  An excerpt from a poem I wrote:

Comfortable?

Very

Too comfortable?

Perhaps

Why do you ask?

Comfort is nice

Good for you, but we need to talk

About what we should do

Now is a good time

Time

Got plenty of that

Choices

Got plenty of those

I know

I know what I want

But do I want what I know?

Why are we here?

Where are we going?

What difference can we make?

Endless unanswered questions

Does it matter?

Aren’t we comfortable?

Yes, very

But, we need to talk!

Talk?

That's what we’re doing

Again

So how do we comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable? How do we reinvigorate our sense of compassion? Because sympathy is arrogant, and empathy is always insufficient. How do we reinvigorate our compassion? For compassion comes from the root, passio or pati, which means “to suffer.” How do we suffer with others? That’s what compassion means. How do we suffer together? Mother Teresa says, “If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten we belong to one another.” And we have less peace, because we have forgotten a lot. We sit here politely and calmly, while the current state of our world is in crises, our communities are broken, people are suffering, the needs of others are out of control-we can feel helpless and hopeless. Even a generous and kind group like you, begin to think it is impossible to give and do more.

I am fascinated, energized, my optimism is renewed over our untapped potential, the possibilities within each one of us. Gandhi said, the difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve the world's problems.
Kierkegaard called it our Sealed Orders; epigenetics, the new  neuroscience, is studying our unexpressed DNA; Nikki Giovanni, the great poet says, “You know, we’re better than we think, but we’re not as good as we could be.” And Bonnie Ware, who studied the regrets of the dying, found the number one regret of people who were dying in hospice— I wish I had the courage to have lived a life that was true to me, and not a life that was the expectations of others.

A man named Dōgen came to Japan almost 800 years ago to teach Zen Buddhism. Zen Buddhism is about living the full life, the fully expressed life they call it the Supreme Meal. He wrote a book called, Instructions to the Cook. Literally the recipe for the Supreme Meal. The Supreme Meal is what we need to make every day, and every week and every month and every year, in our entire lives. The Supreme Meal is the best we can make with everything we have—and we have everything we need. We live in great abundance, and have every ingredient we need to make this Supreme Meal, and yet we fail to use all of our ingredients.

No matter our point of view, what side we sit on, we agree that the status quo is unacceptable. That the suffering around us is intolerable. We need a supreme meal of hope, equity, and opportunity. I am talking about using all of our ingredients: Our moral, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and financial resources. Putting our full reputations, our social networks, our minds and hearts into the changes that are necessary. This is an All-In MOMENT. A moment to use everything we have.

My mother was a great painter. She painted 1,430 original art pieces during her lifetime. She started painting when she was 48 and painted all the way until her final year of life.

I asked for an art lesson; I asked her to teach me how to paint, and she laughed. In a knowing way, she said, “Oh John, I love the fact that you want to learn to paint, but you’re so busy, and you’re so important, at least that’s what you’ve told me. And it takes time to see before you can paint; and if you can’t see, there’s no way you can paint! And you don’t have time to see.” She finally agreed to give me a "seeing" lesson. She told me it would take at least three hours to see. She started asking me questions about these apples. And I couldn’t see the apples, I tell you, it was hours. And I finally saw the apples, and she mis-quoted Cezanne, “A time is coming when apples, freshly observed, will trigger a revolution.” Actually, he said, “A time is coming when a carrot freshly observed will trigger a revolution.”

And it did. I started to see things. I started to see myself and so much around me. We have so much more to see. We tend to focus on the path and where our feet are leading us, and the path becomes a path of dependency, of certainty. We don’t listen to our hearts. We miss the peripheral view, we miss what’s around us who’s around us, we miss what’s going on right now.

The challenge is in every moment and the time is always now.  James Baldwin

So, I have been trying to shift your perspective, to help us think about who we are, and why we are here, and where we’re going. We’re the only species on the planet that gets to ask the question, What do I want to do? Who am I? No other species gets to do that. We must take advantage of this opportunity. How do we unseal our orders, express our DNA, become better than we are? And have the courage to live a life that is true to ourselves and to others.

We can never forget our ancestors who sacrificed for all of us.

How do we comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable?

The giant ocean of needs breaks our hearts, but we need our hearts to be broken open!

Open to our interconnectedness, inter-dependency. Open to our abundant possibilities.

While we sometimes feel like drops in the ocean, we realize we’re the entire ocean in every drop. (Rumi)

I know that what I am asking is impossible. But in our time, as in every time, the impossible is the least that one can demand — and one is, after all, emboldened by the spectacle of human history in general, and American Negro history in particular, for it testifies to nothing less than the perpetual achievement of the impossible. (James Baldwin)

So, we pause to breathe.           Breathe in the mountain and breathe our flowers.

Breathe in your power and breathe out your kindness

So we can have peace.      Because, Yes!  Yes! Yes!   We do belong to one another!

And once we can see, see this potential, it triggers a revolution. For we need, desperately need, your revolutions! We have every ingredient to make that Supreme Meal. That revolutionary meal. That meal of hope—together.

C’mon let’s join Mayor Tornek, Richard Cheung, Friends In Deed, so all of us can begin making and serving that Supreme Meal today!                      

Thank you.

 

How's Your Cup of Tea?

We have had our little obsession with teacups. Many of us have used, "Not my cup of tea." Originally meant for an unpleasant pain in the arse :) person but applied generally to all things less desirable.  Or "a tempest in a teacup", the lesser used and perhaps later concocted version of "a tempest in a teapot".  Or George Orwell's rant on a nice cup of tea. But a "cup of tea" was to describe someone you like or think is good.

In this regard, my mother was a special cup of tea. 

Many of you know my mother left us last June. She was a remarkable woman who shaped my point of view and my life direction. But if you are a regular reader or have listened to one of my speeches, you know this! 

Anyhow, my mother was a prolific artist and created complex oil paintings in minutes or took weeks and months to perfect a painting. She was both a conceptual artist (think Picasso) and an experimental artist (think Cezanne). Cezanne's work may have been her most important muse. 

Like many artists she had her secrets. Her techniques. Her way of painting that were hers. The real meaning of her pieces were left to the viewer's imagination. As they say, "Art is in the eye of the beholder." Perspective is everything. No two people see anything the same. 

My mother was a prankster with a wicked sense of humor. Some say I got my sense of humor from her, many others have hired a search party for my funny bone. Here is my mother’s last enigmatic prank--That will never be solved.

Years ago, she created a set of paintings of teacups, 15 in all. Somehow they were assembled into a single print—the exact origins are unknown. And where the original of this print went is also a mystery. There are no known copies of this painting, only this low quality photo shown above. With a twinkle in her eye, she told us that each unique teacup depicted her four children and her ten siblings and herself. That adds up to 15. She would never reveal the identities of the teacups!  It is hard to see, but there are unique differences in the teacups. One is cracked, one covered, one upside down, one on its side.....Your interpretations start to go wild.

This was all years ago and we had all forgotten these enigmatic teacups.

After Mom passed I went to the print shop where she made reproductions, so called giclees, of her work. It was an emotional meeting. Like all people that knew and/or worked with my mother, the print shop owner had bonded with her. After we cried together and exchanged stories, he revealed, in his moment of weakness, that he had taken an unauthorized photo of the teacups. My sister Katie and I were aghast. No one in our family ever saw this version. We asked for a copy and ultimately received this higher resolution image:

You can see right away this is different from the original, the order is changed and now there are 16! The new teacup is the one broken into pieces (bottom row).

Who is the 16th teacup?!!

We will never know the exact symbolism or identities of the teacups or solve the mystery of the new broken one. But that is the beauty of art and of life as lived and painted by my mother—all to be interpreted. I know she is smiling and perhaps giggling a bit from on high. 

My sister Tomi found this poem just after we made this discovery: A cup is more valuable chipped. He was broken. I am broken. And when we can see that we are all chipped and broken, we begin to value our life as an expression of the teaching that we are truly perfect and complete, just as we are. —Pat Enkyo O’hara

Each teacup is special and beautiful.

We know that any fixed, perfect and pristine image we have of ourselves or others is an imaginary teacup. 

My mother knew we would see ourselves in every teacup. For we are all of the teacups. Our cupboards house each one of these cups. For we are many things, have been many things and will be many things. Our histories and our destinies are complex and unknowable. We contain the infinite seeds of our family trees and experiences. All of us will never fully express our potential and our possibilities.

So our humanity, our compassion, and our future depends on exploring and embracing our own and each other's teacups.

Here's to our beautiful and mysterious cups of tea in 2017. 

Thanks Mom. And thanks for reading. John

Proximity to Reality: Somos Cubanos

One of the most remarkable things in life is how wrong we are about our perceptions. That almost everything upon closer examination yields insights and new truths. Especially people, places, cultures, religions, and lifestyles we are not familiar with. The constant process of learning what we don't know empirically. 

One of my newer heroes is Bryan Stevenson. He has devoted his life to justice. Called the American Mandela, Stevenson is ripping back the curtain of mass incarceration and the pernicious legacy of racism. His Tedtalk, his latest book Just Mercy are to be added to your must experience list. His acceptance speech earlier this year for the 2016 Public Counsel awards dinner is among the best speeches I have ever heard. And I have seen and studied my share!

His speech is anchored on four principles to pursue change and greater understanding of difference. A fabulous structure to test our thinking about worlds we think we comprehend, people we think we know, and places we think we understand. This is how I interpret Bryan's advice:

Proximate: We have to get physically close to needs, issues, and people to learn the truth through reality. I know this sounds obvious, but much of our perspective about "homelessness", "refugees", "poverty", "Cuba", "black people" and "socialism" are gleaned through abstract and "distant" information.

Narrative: We have a story running in our head about these issues, ideas and people. These stories are reinforced through selective consumption, our biases, and with the limitations of empirical data.  How do we disrupt this story with facts and experiences? 

Uncomfortable: When we disrupt our cranial narratives with facts then we get shoved out of our comfort zones--we get understandably uncomfortable. Truth is the greatest source of discomfort, especially when it conflicts with our long held belief system. Discomfort wakes us up and we have to use our brains and think and feel again. Being uncomfortable is a necessary step in our journey to learn and grow. 

Hopeful: Gaining new perspectives through experience, opening new parts of our minds to new truths, and seeing new possibilities expands our hopefulness. Because when we learn new things we see how change is possible and that expands the pool of hope.

(Yes I have changed the order of these principles for my own purposes :)

Me and Congresswoman Karen Bass

I recently was included on a special study tour of Cuba led by Congresswoman Karen Bass (One of the most dedicated public servants I have encountered) It was a mind blowing learning experience that changed me. I reflect on Stevenson's principles that helped me re-think everything "I knew" about Cuba. Except the food, music, art, rum and cigars, which are exquisite and met and exceeded my expectations!

US-Cuban relations have been so tortured and convoluted through hundreds of years of American history. We have viewed and treated Cuba as a possession and territory for generations prior to the revolution which triggered the ongoing embargo. Then Cuba was perceived as a  threat. Not enough space here to provide or review history. Suffice it to say that the US has imposed its will on this island country for the last 50 years.

We rarely think about Cuba, yet the Cuban people are big fans of Americans. We were greeted by colleagues and strangers with open arms and warm friendliness. I know, it is about the historic antagonistic systems and governments. It is about capitalism vs socialism. And Fidel vs JFK. Here's the deal, that was then and Cuba does not resemble those caricatures of the past. Globalization is here and Cuba has been benched and ostracized. This embargo is not just a political war of words it has really hurt the people. 50 years of no access to anything from the US from anywhere. That includes school materials, medicine and food. I know it was meant to punish the country, but that time passed and it is harming people who pose no threat to us today. As an embargoed country, Cuba is in the same company with North Korea, Iran, Ukraine and Syria. It makes no sense now. It hasn't for many years.

Everything I knew about Cuba was transformed by a closer examination.

The President Obama lifted some sanctions, travel and certain goods are no longer prohibited, but we need to open up our relationship to take full advantage of what Cuba has to offer. Cuban medical training is the envy of the world. They have free medical care from pre-natal to hospice. For example, Cuba has a robust bio-tech industry and have developed a drug called Cimavax which attacks lung cancer cells. NY state now has a few trials of Cimavax, the first medical exchange in 50 years! 

Visited the education system as well, which is totally free. By the way, Cuba's literacy rate is about 97%. In fact they have a Museum of Literacy! We visited ELAM (Latin American Medical School) where students from 110 countries receive free medical training. Free room and board and a stipend! We met a number of US students there who are receiving a world class education centered on the patient. Cuba is famous for providing doctors to Haiti, Africa, and other disaster torn countries. 

As ethno-centric Americans we worried when every corner has a McDonalds, KFC and Starbucks....... It was interesting not to see Coca Cola there. We asked about these changes, which we thought were inevitable. We heard that they don't need Coca Cola, they have "sugar water". Or more burgers, chicken or coffee... They need infrastructure, pharma, hotels, car parts, educational materials---many many things. We want to get the things we need before we add things we don't. "We don't want to add to the war of symbols." Wow!! Television programs are not interrupted by commercials, except public service announcements and education--mostly health oriented. Yes I know, we have more choices. But we have a lot of noise and interruptive messages  too. How would we change our system if we could?

Cuba has many challenges. Poverty is rampant. Inequality is there. Sound familiar? The aforementioned infrastructure is in disrepair or non-existent. But there is a spirit of humanity, of ingenuity, of compassion, and of camaraderie that needs to breathe and grow. US Cuban relations can flourish with great reciprocal benefits to the US and the world. 

As Bryan Stevenson advised: proximity changed my narrative, made me uncomfortable, but even more hopeful. Like all life changing experiences you understand one another, you appreciate our interconnectedness and commonalities. Somos Cubanos!

I encourage you to test your own assumptions, by visiting Cuba,  or anywhere or any population you think you know, but don't. As John Wooden said, "It is what you learn after you know it all that counts."

Thanks for reading. John

 

 

 

 

 

The Mountain and the Flowers

For those who know me, I quote my mother often. Her words and advice have shaped my life and my aspirations.

One of her most memorable quotes is:

Breathe in the mountain

and breathe out flowers.

It is a powerful phrase to me and my family. It speaks to my mother's zen spirituality, her inner strength, her creative force and her focus on the good and positive. Think about this phrase.

Say it as you breathe in and out. What does it feel like? What does it mean to you?

This was one of the very last phrases my mother said to me. Like a reminder of what was important, a reminder of her teachings. I said it back to her so she knew I understood. 

Below is a an excerpt of my thoughts about what this phrase means to me: 

 

My parents built a bedrock of love and support beneath our family

We stand on a Mountain of gratitude and enjoy the Flowers of their generosity

 

Breathe in the mountain and breathe out flowers

 Breathe in the mountain and breathe out flowers 

 

In many ways my Dad is the mountain

 

Silent and overbearing

Powerful, ominous and strong

Never moving, but almost undetectably shifting and evolving

Clouds gone, the mountain appears. (Zen proverb)

He cast a long shadow, a Japanese Nisei shadow, the shadow of the Samurai

A shadow of unspoken expectations

A shadow of protection

A shadow of love

 

And my mother is the flowers

 

Flowers never fail or disappoint you

Flowers always brighten your way

Flowers flirt and bring you peace

Flowers are always kind, always

They want your attention but never demand it

The flowers we breathe out are the flowers of our best selves

Our most loving, openhearted, compassionate and generous selves

A single flower can redeem the loneliness of a room.  Like a single soul can illuminate the world.

It is always about our humility. Our understanding of our commonness.

That we are but a small part of the world and yet can make a difference everyday. 

It is noticing the world through love and kindness.

Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower. (Shigenori Kameoka)

 

Mountains are our values and our identity from our ancestors who suffered and sacrificed and gave us destiny.

Flowers remind us of the seasons, of time, of our sensuousness, of our inner potential to bloom.

I have the mountain and the flowers in me. We all do.

Everyday I try, I try to breathe in the power of the mountain and everyday I try to breathe out the fragrance of the flowers.

And for a fleeting flicker of a moment, I become my mother and my father, reminded of who I am and who I can be.

We all have mountains and flowers.

 Why does it take death for us to come together, to make us appreciate what we have and who we are?

Because this is part of life. Our time is precious and short. Never too late. To pay attention to things, to know ourselves, and love one another and why we are here.

A time is coming when a flower freshly observed will trigger a revolution. (Cezanne)

That time is today.

So how do we  freshly observe our mountains and flowers--and trigger our own revolutions?!

Let's breathe together.    One big breath together

Breathe in the mountain     And breathe out flowers.

 

Thanks for reading. John

 

A haiku in honor of my father Rod Y. Kobara and my mother Tomi D. Kobara:

 

Breathe in the mountain

Power of love and kindness

Breathe out flowers

 

Finding Ourselves in Loss

What do we say when there is a tragedy, a death, something really bad happens to people we care about? 

Most of us are acutely aware of our own struggles and we are preoccupied with our own problems. We sympathize with ourselves because we see our own difficulties so clearly. But Ian MacLaren noted wisely, “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.”

When I was younger I would try to draw on my capacity for empathy, but I had a fairly dry aquifer of emotional intelligence. Life, death, disease, and unexpected mishaps were frankly just part of the hand you were dealt. Our feline life expectancy dropped a year or two each chapter of our experience until we accept we have one life to live and it is very short.

As we mature and age we are exposed to more suffering, more tragedy, more death. It is a jolting reminder of our mortality and the mortality of the ones around us. We feel more compelled to express our sympathies and condolences. To offer support to the survivors. We struggle with doing the right thing at the right time. We write notes, emails, sign cards, and say things to comfort family and friends. Sometimes we rely on Hallmark for the words, say or write the same thing we always say, or we do nothing. At least for me,  it is an awkward process.

What can I say? What should I say? What can I do? What should I do?

I have learned so much being the recipient of these communications. Nothing like learning about yourself by how you are treated.

The golden rule always applies. Say/do unto others as you would have them say/do unto you. What would comfort me?

A rude awakening for me is how selfish I have been and others can be in trying to comfort each other. It is not about me. It never really is. But we can lead with "Me too", or "I know how you feel". 

The oddity of our clumsy and sometimes hurtful attempts to help is this: we have clear ideas from what has helped us in our suffering, but we do not adopt it when seeking to love others. We do not always speak to others in the way we would like to be spoken to.  Edward T. Welch

I remember a comedy routine, where a distant friend goes up to the grieving mother of a murdered child at the vigil to pay his respects. He gets nervous, then tongued tied, and blurts out, "I apologize."  Not the same as "I am sorry." :)

What I learned and others have taught me--Less is more. Stop before you start into your robotic motor mouth routine. Put your well-intentioned pie hole on silent. Silence is better than words. A hug says more than any profound phrases. Everyone deals with grief and suffering in their own ways. But there is a universal understanding that your very presence is more powerful than anything you say. 

"I'm sorry." Is enough. 

Again, stop and look both ways before you stick your foot in your "me too" mouth. 

I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I hope people have done the same for me! A dear friend, expressed her condolences and tried to comfort me. Then she took the safety off of her verbal trigger and away she went. "Yeah, not a day goes by where I don't cry about my husband." I knew what she was trying to do, but it was our first conversation and the second thing she said.

"How are you doing, today?" The today part is sensitive to what is happening. "How are you?" is auto-pilot and invokes the silent "How do you think I am?!!"

Do not say: “If you need anything, please call me, anytime.” Another well intended thought but.........

– If ‘comforters’ knew anything about real hardship, they would know that sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need.

– If comforters knew anything about the sufferer, they would know what the sufferer wants or needs. 

– If comforters really knew the sufferer, they would know that he or she would never make the call. Never.  Tara Barthel

In his book, "The Reality Slap," Russ Harris presents two lists — the first, a few responses that genuinely make you feel supported and understood; and the second, a number of responses that, although meant to be helpful, aren't really all that compassionate. Let's start with the less compassionate responses (many of which I myself am guilty of, and if we're being honest, most of us have said at times):

• Telling you to "think positively"
• Giving advice: "What you should do is this, "Have you thought about doing such and such?"
• Discounting your feelings: "No use crying over spilled milk," "It's not that bad," "Cheer up!"
• Trumping your pain: "Oh yes, I've been through this many times myself. Here's what worked for me."
• Telling you to get over it: "Move on," "Let it go," "Isn't it time you got over this?"

Here are some compassionate responses highlighted in Harris' book:

• Asking how you feel
• Giving you a hug, embrace, placing an arm around you or holding your hand
• Validating your pain: "This must be so hard for you" or "I can't begin to imagine what you're going through."
• Sharing their own reactions: "I'm so sorry, "I'm so angry," "I feel so helpless; I wish there was something I could do," or even "I don't know what to say."
• Creating space for your pain: "Do you want to talk about it?" It's OK to cry," or, "We don't have to talk; I'm happy to just sit here with you."
• Offering support: "Is there anything I can do to help?"

I took a thanatology class in college---Death and Dying. I learned about the 5 stages of dying that was asserted by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Most of us have heard this. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It made so much sense to me. It clearly applied to romantic break-ups :) But death? And the grieving? 

Pauline Boss' research disputes the application of these 5 stages to grief. That Kubler-Ross never intended to have them applied to grieving. We all want steps and stages. We want a linear routine to replace the organic reality. Boss' basic thought is closure for grief is a myth. While time heals, you will never be finished with your grief--and closure is only good in real estate. You don't want to forget or get over it. I know there are nuances here but really important ones. 

This myth of closure has helped me be more sensitive, more compassionate. Time heals but never erases. I know this to be true.

A colleague who did not know my Dad, said "Sorry to hear about your Dad. Tell me about him." I smiled, because I got to tell a Dad story and share my love and gratitude. For me, that was one of the nicest and most comforting things anyone said to me.

Part of building and maintaining a vibrant, authentic and altruistic network is our ability to connect to support one another. No time is more crucial than in times of loss and suffering. 

Remind yourself what would comfort you. Stop, pause, and be present. Say less. Suppress your needs and surrender to the needs of the other. Good advice for all of us almost all of the time. Be kind: For we are all fighting great battles and carrying great burdens that are not known to one another. (my interpretation of Philo)

Thanks for reading. John

The Illusion of More

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little. Epicurus

 

A brand new college grad with his mortar board on says to me: Gotta get into grad school!

Comment to me after my 94 year old uncle passed: So sorry he did not make it to 95

Parents remark at their daughter's wedding: Now for my grandkids!

First question in an interview with me: How long do I have to do this job before I might get promoted?

Never enough. Never good enough. 

One of the greatest distractions in life is this uneasy and ultimately sleep depriving feeling. It can motivate and haunt you. It can dominate our thinking and our actions. We see it in our social media, we see it in our credit card statements, we see it at work and talk about it with almost everyone. It is a silent and powerful under current that defines our lives. Wanting MORE.

Some believe this constant desire and pursuit for more is rooted in our biology — that it helped us to survive. Some believe that this pursuit is fundamental to a capitalistic society that requires consumerism, propelled by the media, culture and of course, all of us aid and abet the crime of MORE. 

It is true that our survival instincts and competitive nature have brought us great progress and material luxuries. But when we lose ourselves to the MORE, that requires an intervention.

According to Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman, income does predict happiness—but only up to $75,000 per year.

The infinite and never satiable goal of a bigger, better, and more expensive version. We do live in a Big Gulp, Super Size, Monster truck, Power Ball,  iPhone 10, All you can eat, Botox filled world that is relentless and unyielding. It is an epidemic.

The yearning for life and wealth shows no signs of aging even as a man grows old. It does not weaken with age. It is a lifelong disease. The man who gives it up finds happiness.  Dharmasutras

I have come to appreciate Marie Kondo's popular and simple advice about Tidying. I have read her book and saw her speak recently. For me the essence is--Look at your things, things you did not remember you have, so many things--Look at each one of them and ask, "Does this spark joy in me?" If it does not, then get rid of it. Give it away to someone who needs or wants it. We should be surrounded by things and people that spark joy in us, right?

A desire arises in the mind. It is satisfied; immediately another comes. In the interval which separates two desires a perfect calm reigns in the mind. It is at this moment freed from all thought, love or hate. Complete peace equally reigns between two mental waves.– SWAMI SIVANANDA

Regardless of what we believe to be at the root of this constant wanting, it takes a conscious and deliberate effort to experience contentment or satisfaction in our lives — to fully appreciate life, people, and the activities we engage in. To stop and smell the roses, as my Dad used to say. To interrupt the impulses and the continuous thoughts that undermine our sense of self and the present.

Yes meditation helps a lot. Anything to disrupt the pattern and bring the world back into focus.

One of my favorite books is Instructions to the Cook describes the Zen Buddhist concept for the supreme meal. The supreme meal is when we live our life fully, wholeheartedly---a fully expressed life.

So the first principle of the Zen cook is that we already have everything we need. If we look closely at our lives, we will find that we have all the ingredients we need to prepare the supreme meal. At every moment, we simply take the ingredients at hand and make the best meal we can. It doesn’t matter how much or how little we have. The Zen cook just looks at what is available and starts with that.

And we become what we say. We evolve into our narratives. So when we say MORE, to ourselves and to others, that's what we believe and that's what we become. 

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Buddha

This is most evident in interviews and conversations. How people always tell me they are looking to make a change because they want more. The most over-used term is "growth" followed by "opportunity". I have learned these are code words for more money. Some souls are looking for meaning and fulfillment, but most want the "opportunity to grow".  Grow to do what or be what?!! We may never know. 

Here's what kills me. Many people have read the same blog posts :), received the same coaching and have the same routines, answers and presentations. And when the vast majority of the walking dead say, "I am looking for a place where I can (continue to) grow." I always ask, "What are your top priorities for personal and professional growth?" This is a stumper. The vast majority of people I meet say that the cause, the issue, even the industry "doesn't matter"!!! I wish I was kidding. They can't articulate what "more" they want. Money is embedded and hiding in these abstract thoughts of more. But what is most often avoided is any self awareness, authenticity, and or introspectiveness to identify what more they want to become.

More is superficial when disconnected from the "P" words of passion and purpose.

How much is enough?

 

The Illusion of More        

Don't need a thing
To do our thing
We have what we need
To pursue what we heed
Everything before us
Nothing between us
The more of our world
Is the distraction
The less of ourselves
Is the attraction
When we forget me
We build on the we

The more takes from the now
It carries us to the next
Without gratitude or grace
It abruptly changes our place
For here is this moment
So full and complete
It's a shame we might waste it
So we can compete
For the more of tomorrow
And miss this special time
Are we deaf to the music
And what's left of this rhyme

No things is our aim
In the end
We are all the same                                           jek

 

There are a few MOREs that deserve our attention:

More peace and social justice

More time with people we love

More solitude, silence, and soul nourishment

More effort to be kind and non-judgmental

More altruism where we give and help without any expectation

More joy, awe, and wonder.

Let's enjoy what we have . Let's find and nurture the spark of joy around us. Let's interrupt the nonsensical wanting impulses. No more. 

Thanks for reading. John

 

 

Your moment

As you may have noticed I have been slipping in my poetry into my posts. :) To be honest I am writing more poems than anything else. It is a cleansing, meditative process for me.  I know my work is personal. Yet I want to share it in the hopes it resonates with you. 

Choice is the enemy of commitment. (attributed to Jerry Brown)

Just know many folks who are going through decision trees right now---school, career, family, relationships......Some dark decision jungles and others delightful and glorious forests. Nevertheless--Choices! First, always be grateful that you have a choice. Second, try to enjoy the process no matter how complex. Third, never look back and embrace the decision! 

The challenge is in every moment and the time is always now. James Baldwin

Your moment

 

This may be a tough moment or a great moment,

 

It may lead everywhere and nowhere,

 

A moment that reveals the possibility

 

The possibility of change, of joy, of surprise

 

Not from a plan of specific steps

Not from a promise from the past

Not from the expectations of others

 

The possibility of what it can be

The possibility of what you can be

 

Seeing the now of it

 

Feeling the here of it

 

Breathing the you of it

 

Becoming the it of it

 

Make this moment, your moment

 

 

Thanks for reading. John

 

Uncomfortable Comfort

Words mean a lot to me. Perhaps more as I age. I value the meaning of the words we choose and use. People who know me well understand that certain words set me off. My bans on "busy", "when I retire...", "stability" are well documented. 

I push myself, and others who will listen, to "play out of bounds" and to not compromise our dreams. Why are we not pursuing what is most important to us? What obstacles prevent us to live the life we want? Am I where I am supposed to be? Are our networks diverse or a bunch of people who are clones --eating, voting, entertaining, agreeing, liking, the same stuff? 

My goal is to disrupt the mindlessness of our lives. Where we accept and tolerate what we have and don't want. 

I was conducting a session with graduate students about career transitions and got this question: "How long should I be uncomfortable?" It was a great question. Because it was honest. It was a vulnerable question. It was a question about the searching and certainty. After all when you are grad school procrastinating your future :), you think a lot about the land of career clarity. If we are contemplating change in our lives, if we are paying attention to the world around us, we all are trying to get to this mystical land of clarity.

When we are open to what we don't know, when we are open to opportunities that we had not considered, when we become vulnerable to questions and conversations that change us----we get uncomfortable.

Comfort the Afflicted and Afflict the Comfortable. F. Peter Dunne

Perhaps my theme song! And definitely my favorite quote.

In other words, I am not where I want to be. I am not sure where I am going. I feel stuck or I crave more certainty about my path. I want more meaning, fulfillment and a greater sense of purpose. I need an answer to give me comfort.

So here's my answer:

You should never be comfortable. Never.

In terms of life and career development.

Yes, we should smell the roses, appreciate our milestones and yes let's have gratitude.

But before we get too caught up in our greatness, drunk with our achievements, and light headed with thankfulness--let's consider the infinite challenge of serving others. Let's pause and consider our ambitions for our families and ourselves. Let's truly understand that we are not satisfied with our inner or outer lives. So stability is a joke. Certainty is a unicorn.

How do you continuously pursue your own growth and that means your ability to help others?

You can join the growing NIMBY family or what I call the OIMBY tribe (Only In My Backyard)--where you take care of your immediate family and everyone else is on their own.

We have to be uncomfortable with our comfort.

We now face the danger, which in the past has been the most destructive to the humans: Success, plenty, comfort and ever-increasing leisure. No dynamic people has ever survived these dangers. 

John Steinbeck 

The status quo sucks! Am I right? The world is not quite right. We are still filling out the breadth of our potential. Our families are a work in progress. Our communities are in great need. The world is at the brink of challenge and change.

When we stop and think about what we can do, what we have to advance our lives and the lives of others, and consider the obscene abundance in which we reside----We can get uncomfortable. :)

Once you accept that our work is infinite. That our role is to advance the work and give the next gen a chance to continue the work. That can give you a modicum of comfort. But then you realize, as I do everyday, life is short. We don't know when our ticket will be punched. So what will I do today?

Don't misunderstand me. Lack of comfort is not lack of peace. Inner peace comes with understanding one's role and opportunity. Inner peace comes with serving others. True peace is the product of an altruistic life of compassion. And compassion literally means to suffer with others. So we come full circle to an uncomfortable peace. 

Our truth stands in the doorways in front of us, doorways that excite, invite, and frighten us.

Have I afflicted you?

Here's to your uncomfortable peace. Thanks for reading. John

 

A poem I wrote inspired by these thoughts:

Comfortable Conversation

Comfortable?

Very

Too comfortable?

Perhaps

Why do you ask?

Comfort is nice

When

When is the right time to talk?

To talk

About what I want

Now

Is this the right time?

Time

Time is the enemy

Got plenty of that

What

What does this mean?

Life is defined

By indecision

I know

I know what I want

But

Do I want what I know?

How

How do I get there?

Where

Where I am going?

This never ends

With a decision

Do nothing

Why

Why am I here?

Need time to talk about this

Need

That's what I am doing

Again

Peek a Boo! I See Me

Infants don't understand the concept of permanence. It is an essential stage of cognitive and sensory motor skill development. We have all done this with little kids. We hide our faces with our hands and then reveal our faces and say Peek a Boo! And the kids are astonished and amazed. Like a magic trick. They laugh uncontrollably because of the surprise.

And when toddlers cover their faces, they think they are invisible.

When we grow up we are still confused about what is real. We think we are invisible. As adults we hide our own faces and our feelings We become quite clever in masking our true selves. And the mask can become the face.

I meet many people at many points in their lives. Junctions, detours, shifts, inflection points, crossroads--all names for the same thing---Life! Every moment considering choices is about change. Anyway, I try to use these moments to see if I get clues about what they really want. Poker players call it the "tell". A sign given off by facial expression, body tics, and or inflection that gives away a truth.

I recently met with a younger man and he was babbling on about who he was and his impressive background ( I remember when I use to show up and throw up) He said, "I want to help people." (When I hear this it takes every ounce of my control not to say, "Yeah "people" that narrows your career choices!") Instead I said "Which people?" And after a series of these back and forths. He spoke eloquently about "helping people overcome what he had overcome." I stopped him and asked him to tell me how he felt. I told him how I felt. It was pretty emotional. His eyes, inflection and body language did all of the talking. And we built a small rhetorical campfire and sat down to explore this personal story. He thought I read his mind, but he opened his book and read from his heart. I was moved.

That honesty about what matters gives me a view of what I think is the soul. The true self who hides in the costume and mask department of our minds. It is a bit of a game of hide and seek I play with others and myself. To get the souls to come out and play and share.

It reminds me to be vulnerable and empathetic in the way I listen and think. It helps me immensely. And I know it has an impact on others and the dimensions of conversation that ensue.

I am convinced that we unconsciously let others and ourselves suppress so much of our potential and our soulfulness. The heavy blanket of expectations, political correctness, not looking stupid, not making other people uncomfortable, not being good enough etc etc.

Sheryl Turkle and her fascinating book, Reclaiming Conversation:

My research shows that we are too busy connecting to have the conversations that count, the kind of conversation in which we give each other our full attention, the kind where we allow an idea to develop, where we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Yet these are the kinds of conversations in which intimacy and empathy develop, collaboration grows, and creativity thrives. We move from conversation to mere connection. And I worry that sometimes we forget the difference. Or forget that this is a difference that matters.

In our daily conversations, it starts with so called small talk, exchanges where we move our lips and sounds tumble out of our pie holes. Classic example is "How are you?" and you reply reflexively, "Fine. You?" and a thousand unthinking variations. But our robotic chatter is not limited to these informal seemingly meaningless verbal transactions. They now consume most of our time. Like bad texting exchanges that say nothing. We partake in a lot of live face to face superficial texting through our mouths. 

We say words and others say words we neither listen to or fully comprehend what pablum spews back and forth. It is not that we are uncaring souls, but we have rehearsed our routines like inadequate amateur versions of Robin Williams' improv group of personalities. We pull something from our inner hard drive and it plays without much thought.

How do we disrupt this pattern if we want to have more interesting and meaningful conversations? How do we show our empathy and compassion for one another? Who starts the real conversation?

Do we have the time and patience? Do we?

And yet we want help. We crave and cry out for mentoring for guidance for support--on our terms, just in time, convenient, fast and simple to assemble. We want life and career advice that comes out of an IKEA box, or fits into a 3 minute YouTube. Not a revealing conversation.

Love Akuyoe Graham's advice to me about enjoying the taste of the words. Meaning that you take the time and thought to savor what you say. You sense the words you speak, their weight, their intention and you convey those thoughts with your face and your body.

Am I there, present, vulnerable, open, attentive, listening, more interested than interesting? That matters. And can make way to real conversations.

Theodore Zeldin from his book Conversation How talk can change our lives:

Conversation is a meeting of minds with different memories and habits. When minds meet, they just don't exchange facts: they transform them, reshape them, draw different implications from them, engage in new trains of thought. Conversation doesn't reshuffle the cards, it creates new cards. It's a spark that two minds create.

How many conversations do we have like that? Wouldn't that be good?

In my analysis this real conversation is a meeting of the minds and a meeting of the souls. 

It takes both sides to make this happen.

Peek a boo (excerpt from my poem)

I see you

Then you’re gone

I see what you want to be, what you try to be

I see what you want me to see

I saw something

The glint of the sun through the clouds

I felt you

A warm breeze on a summer eve

Something real and fleeting

Like a poltergeist

The warmth and chill of presence

I feel you

Peek a boo

But just like that you disappear

From right in front to out of sight

Are you gone or just hiding?

What are you afraid of?

When will I see you again?

Maybe it’s me

Am I scaring you?

Peek a boo

I see me

Like a mirror image

That glimpse of you was a glimpse of me

I want what you want

And your words are the words I want

I hear me through you

Peek a boo

You are changing me

Am I changing you?

An open heart opens the mind

We are changed

We try to be invulnerable and see no flaw

We become vulnerable and see the light

Peek a boo

I learn from you

When I was teaching you

Peek a boo

You mentor me

When I was trying to mentor you

You helped me 

Did I help you?

Peek a boo

I saw you

And you see me

I need you

And you need me

Come out to play and let’s be                                                          John E. Kobara

 

We must help others and ourselves explore and share our truths, our souls. 

If we see it, acknowledge it, welcome it. And embrace it. 

Build a campfire and listen to each other's stories. We have so much to learn from one another. 

Thanks for reading. 

Stop. Look Sideways.

What if you looked at your life sideways? Just saw it differently for a moment. How about your relationships? How about your career?

Not abandoning what you have but getting a new perspective so you can appreciate what is there. We all live in great abundance of things and opportunities that we neglect in our haste to the next. We often misinterpret busyness for pursuit of what we want--progress towards happiness or fulfillment. When we pause and reflect, we can realize the error of our ways. It is hard to do this by yourself. 

Here is a poem I wrote for the "waterskeeters" who recklessly glide across the surface but never see themselves. 

Wholely Water

Am I a water bug dancing on the surface tension?

What's in the dark waters below?

An iceberg for your thoughts

Can I summon the courage to dive?

To explore the murky waters of choice and challenge

To test my imagined strength and talent

Why can't I be a lotus plant?

Thriving in and into the water

Turning muck into radiant blooms

Am I just a superficial insect?

That bugs me

How's the water?

Never touch the stuff

I am a water skipper with a free spirit

No time to see my reflection in the glassy mirror

Gliding enviably across the pond so fast

Not even scratching the surface

How can I be so dry and all wet?

The exhilaration seems more than enough

Why learn to swim when I can walk on water?

 

When we slow down and take stock of where we are going and why--it can be transformative. We have to be open to truthful feedback and a sideways perspective (a new point of view), we can learn something. Great mentoring happens when you suspend your defensiveness, your desire to say the "right" thing, and your ever present judgmentalism. Your eyes and mind, dare I say, your heart can be opened to new truths.

Anyone who knows me, knows my mother has the uncanny ability to give me sideways views of myself. Over and over she has helped me see myself as opposed to the facades I was constructing.

But then it happened to mom! She got a sideways lesson. Her perspective was altered.  My mom has been painting for decades and she continues to evolve. A few years ago she lost the cartilage in her right arm and paints on the floor so she doesn't have to lift her arm. This changes the shape and size of her canvases. She also decided to do more "abstract" work. So she started taking classes in her late 80s and got a mentor! Never too late to change and adapt. 

So my mom painted this mythical waterfall near rocks and a tree to the left.

Her teacher/mentor came to the house and wanted to see her newest things. My mom has been experimenting with more vertical forms. Anyway, my mother pulled out three paintings and leaned them against a wall, including this one. Her teacher quickly turned two of the paintings on the side, converting my mom's vertical paintings into horizontals. (see below) My mother was astonished. "That IS the way it was supposed to be!, my mother exclaimed. And that is now the way it will be hung and sold. Of course the owner of the painting can do whatever they want, but what was the original intent of the artist?

It is obvious to you, right? Everyone who sees this says that. Now before you doubt my story or my mother's intelligence (How dare you :)). Listen to me. My mother has painted more than 1400 originals. When she paints them she turns them around and views them from all sides. She has an eye like no one else. But like all of us she got stuck in her perspective, she needed help and was open to it.

We all try to will the Ouija board of life. We intend things, we plan things, we set firm expectations. And when things end up differently we are disappointed and worse, we can defend the status quo. The way it is supposed to be, the tradition, the habit, and the comfortable way. No!

We have to be open to a sideways view of ourselves. We need help to see ourselves. We have to invest in seeing ourselves accurately. 

The definition of insanity is --doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!

We need help to change and adapt. Mentors, teachers, coaches, therapists, all are capable of showing us things they see that we can't. Caring for others can help us see ourselves and the world around us. Our biases, our distractions, and our egos limit what we see.

Stop for a moment to see your reflection and explore what is below the tension of the surface. Mentor the waterskeeters in our lives to see what they are missing. Look at your world sideways and you might see new horizontals in your verticals.

Thanks for reading. John

 

 

Will this be the Year? For You?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver

Is this the year for your new life? The year you push yourself out and over the edge of your comfort zone.

Why can't this be the time? 

The challenge is in every moment and the time is always now. James Baldwin

This can be the time to make your dent in the universe. To go into our garages and build the new mousetrap. To build the new you. 

 

One that expresses who YOU are. Don't confuse this with your FB, Instagram postings, or even your resume, where you look more like wanna-bes than the real YOU. 

The recipe is pretty straight forward. You take you with all of the expectations of others removed, add a big heaping tablespoon of courage, add extra chutzpah and then a pinch of regrets to taste and voila you get the real you.

It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.  Seneca 49 AD

I have shared the following with thousands of people to remind them in a few minutes how precious life is.

What surprises you most about human kind?

“That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money… and then lose their money to restore their health.”
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future.”
“That they live as if they will never die… and die as though they had never lived.”

What are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?
“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds, and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person is not who has the most, but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not yet know how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

(Excerpted from Interview with God.net)

How much time we waste. How our priorities are often upside down. How the most precious things we want get pushed into the attic and buried in our "hope chests".

We have to do the best with what we got and then do more!

  

I live completely in the present, released from the prison of the past with its haunting memories and vain regrets, released from the prison of the future with its tantalizing hopes and tormenting fears. All the enormous capacities formerly trapped in past and future flow to me here and now. Eknath Easwaran

 

Schedule little windows of time when you will develop your plans and yourself. Time to be focused and unfocused. Nothing will happen if you do not do this! What you need is inspiration. Which can come in a moment, any time, taking a shower, doing the dishes, taking a walk, meditating, reading. Fill your life with more stimulation, different voices, sources, points of view. Change it up. Shake it up. Find things that resonate with you that quicken your heart beat and put a lump in your throat. Then take notes and follow them.

 

You can work with the usual suspects, but find the new and different, that's connected to what we want, like or dream about. Meet with different people every week or month. Get disciplined about stretching your network. Use the existing connections to bridge to new tribes. Worlds that understand your unanswered questions, your "crazy" dreams and your insecurities and doubts. Tribes that will mentor you.

 

Still perplexed? Do you believe that every human is an infinite set of possibilities? Are you human?

My life experiences have shown me how people stop digging when they hit a few rocks. They stop peeling the onion when the tears start. They move away from the edge of the cliff when they see the rocks far below.

 

Get a jackhammer. Put on some goggles. Learn to para-glide.

Listen to what Alec Baldwin says:

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee "Alec Baldwin" 

I frequently worry that being productive is the surest way to lull ourselves into a trance of passivity and busyness the greatest distraction from living, as we coast through our lives day after day, showing up for our obligations but being absent from our selves, mistaking the doing for the being. Maria Popova

What I want for you is the delight that comes from doing what you want. Becoming you. Not merely the achievement of the financial or employment goals or even familial expectations. Yes do them. But make small, medium and large spaces for you. For when your passion bucket overflows everyone around you will get some. Whether you like it or not you infect others with your smile of delight, your glow of goodness, and your engaging enthusiasm for life. 

And when you are not yourself, when you are not smiling, and your passion bucket is empty--you also impact others, just very differently. 

Ripples flow from your life force either way.

So is 2016 the year of becoming you? Let's go!

To be and not to be, that is the answer. D. E. Harding

Happy New Year! Thanks for reading. 

 

Optimistic Fatalism and my conversation with Leonard

 "I really do not like what I do but I am 10 years from retirement......."

"Gotta go with the flow."

"I just want to see if I make partner. I should be a partner by now, they owe me......"

"It is what it is."

"My values and my employer's values are diverging, but I'll figure out what I want to do later in my career....."

"Lucky to have what I have."

According to my unscientific survey, surrendering to the status quo starts earlier and younger. Settling sooner for what you can get and shelving what you wanted. I had a millennial call herself an "optimistic fatalist". "I really hope I am wrong, but I am not going to do what I want."  It depresses me.

I am constantly and irritatingly asked:

When do you move on to the next thing? At what point do I give up on my dreams? 

After one of my workshops I was pursued by an executive who sat at my lunch table. I'll call him Leonard. After listening to the small talk he blurted out some thoughts that were clearly percolating for awhile.

"So John, I get your message--do what you want and even love. I get it. I wish I could do it, I wish it was possible. You know most people just can't do that. People take the jobs they can get and they put up with the toxic worlds they enter to make a living. Having a job you love is a fantasy."

You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. Jim Carrey

"Leonard. Thanks for speaking up and challenging my words. I do not want to make any of this sound easy or simple. It isn't. Taking control of your life takes courage. Just to be clear, I was not suggesting that finding a job you love will be THE answer. But finding work you love, you believe in, that fulfills you is not a fantasy. It is achievable and doable. Of course, if you need a job to eat and survive, then you need a job and your tolerance for inhospitable environments is much higher. But I am talking about me and you. We are sitting in this nice hotel chatting about our futures. We are over educated and have choices. There are amazing things that people will pay you to do that may be more fulfilling and fun. But I was also talking about building a life you love. A portfolio of things that represent your passions, interests and dreams. That procrastinating these decisions into some sort of sequence of steps and chapters is crazy. There is little chance that one job will provide you all of the fulfillment of your life. But you will spend way too much time working, so how do we make it the best job, a job you care about, as the hub and build out great spokes from there. No one like us has to put up with a toxic job. Does that make sense?

Yeah, but I really thought you were just talking about a dream job, Leonard replied.

No. A dream life. A lot of people struggle with so-called "work-life" balance. This is a myth and a harmful way of thinking. People seek balance because something in their lives is not as good as other parts. What if all parts were good? What if you designed your life to give you the fulfillment, flexibility, and the time to "balance" your life? Wouldn't that be a better life? 

Leonard nodded, "I know people(most people say they have a "friend";) who are really unhappy and they just can't leave their jobs."

I hear a lot of people who want to blame everyone but themselves about the predicament they are in. Again, these are first world people with advanced degrees and great resumes. They have convinced themselves they are stuck--stuck like sea squirts.

Sea squirts are odd slinky-like marine life that swim in schools to find a rock or piece of coral to make home. They permanently affix themselves to the rock. Then they do something really odd, they individually eat their own vertebrae and brains. Because when you are stuck on a rock you don't need a backbone or a mind! 

I meet a lot of really smart sea squirts! No backbone to stand up for themselves and their lives. Who get shackled to a narrative of high consumption and higher expectations that makes them fall behind in their credit and their careers. 

Just like moving from pensions and defined contribution retirement plans to 401K's , we have to run our own financial AND life portfolios. 

There is a materialistic and financial delusion that we need so much stuff. And that stuff puts us in debt and that starts the vicious cycle of compromises and postponed plans. We get burrowed and cemented into a rut that imprisons us. We want more and accept less.

By the way, all setting a pattern of optimistic fatalism for our kids.

Yet I watch a growing number of people emerge from the fog and break out of their cells of expectations by following their hearts. Huge changes underway where people are making choices about priorities, downsized lifestyles, and upsized lives. Finding work they love. In the four pay cuts I took for jobs that gave me a more flexible life, I never regretted it. 

I recently met a chef, who now has four restaurants. He was defense contractor engineer who was very well paid. He went to these gourmet dinners with wine pairings made by a friend. He loved these meals and quit his job to become a chef at 45. He would have made more money and had a bigger retirement fund, but he chose his heart over his financial plan.

When you're doing something you love and are drawn to it, you want to do it all the time. - Ra Paulette 

Or the financial planner who volunteered for the Special Olympics and now is a neuropsychologist. Or the night club owner who decided to give his excess food to the homeless and now manages a social enterprise that does just that. 

People who have built happier and more meaningful lives around something that moved them.

What moves you? What is important to you that isn't getting your attention? Build it into your portfolio. Design a life that makes space for it.

 Be reckless when it comes to affairs of the heart.

What I really mean … is be passionate, fall madly in love with life. Be passionate about some part of the natural and/or human worlds and take risks on its behalf, no matter how vulnerable they make you. No one ever died saying, “I’m sure glad for the self-centered, self-serving and self-protective life I lived.”

Offer yourself to the world — your energies, your gifts, your visions, your heart — with open-hearted generosity. But understand that when you live that way you will soon learn how little you know and how easy it is to fail.

Clinging to what you already know and do well is the path to an unlived life. So, cultivate beginner’s mind, walk straight into your not-knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling again and again, then getting up again and again to learn — that’s the path to a life lived large, in service of love, truth, and justice. Parker Palmer

We have to wake up from the delusion that choice is a fantasy, clear the fog and take control!

Does this make sense Leonard? Now what? 

Thanks for reading. John